


Can't Go On This Way

by ellebeedarling



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Some Fluff, asshole shepard, learning to love, past male shepard/ashley williams - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 03:14:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 64,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11958534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/pseuds/ellebeedarling
Summary: Gabriel Shepard is a cold, distant man, never letting anyone too close.  Zaeed Massani is a grizzled mercenary, set in his ways. All either of them is looking for is a quick lay, something to relieve the stress of a suicide mission. Through the time they spend together, both of them come to realize it's so much more than that.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very excited about this story! I've been working on it off and on since last fall some time, and thanks to the gentle encouragement of my beta, Estalfaed, I finally finished it! Yay! 
> 
> Expect updates weekly.
> 
> Title is from the song This Means War by Avenged Sevenfold which is Gabe's theme song. 
> 
> Very brief mentions of rape and murder in this first chapter. Warnings will be posted at the beginning of each chapter.

_I can't go on this way_  
_Not as I am today_

_~Avenged Sevenfold_

 

* * *

 

 

 

Gabe stepped into the starboard cargo area of the Normandy – the section of the ship that his new mercenary team member had chosen to occupy. Zaeed Massani leaned against the far wall, cigarette dangling out of his mouth. Shepard had known he was fucked the minute he laid eyes on the man. He'd always been a sucker for big muscles and tattoos – both of which Massani possessed in abundance. Despite the fact that half the man's face was disfigured, he was still ruggedly handsome. Couple that with the gravelly voice and thick British accent, the Commander knew that if Zaeed ever decided to turn on the charm, he would be putty in the man's hands. The thought of which had things stirring uncomfortably below his belt. 

 

Truth be told, he'd fantasized during his shower, after collecting the salarian doctor, about being  _ putty in the old merc's  _ hands. He'd hoped that rubbing one out before coming down here would help him stow those thoughts, but no. Seeing the man leaned casually against the wall, looking sexy as fuck, was just starting the whole damn fantasy over again.

 

“ Shepard,” Zaeed drawled, “I was just waxing goddamn nostalgic.”

 

“ That so?” Gabe asked, schooling his features and managing to keep his voice even.

 

“ Yeah. Just thinking how this little suicide mission reminds me of the good ol' days.”

 

Since Zaeed was already smoking, Shepard pulled out his pack and lit one, taking a seat on a nearby crate. “Let's hear it,” because – let's face it – Shepard always loved a good war story, and he could listen to Massani read engine schematics and still get hard. Come to think of it, this was a very bad idea.

 

It wasn't all that often that a man affected him this way. Women were one thing, but guys… a guy had to be something pretty spectacular to get this kind of reaction from him.

 

Kaidan. 

 

Kaidan was actually the last. But... Kaidan was dead now, a thought that still made Shepard’s insides twist with grief. Not that he'd ever shown any interest in Shepard. Kaidan was the model Alliance soldier. It was hard for Gabe to imagine him breaking fraternization regs. Ashley, on the other hand, had been warm and willing, and Shepard had suppressed his interest in his biotic lieutenant and channeled that into fucking the Gunnery Chief instead. She'd been a good distraction, but nothing more.

 

Gabriel Shepard fucked; he was good at fucking. One thing Gabriel Shepard did not do was love. Love came with too much pain - too many goddamned complications. Fucking was easy.

 

“ Fancy a drink?” Massani asked, pulling a bottle of bourbon out of his duffel.

 

“ Sure.” Gabe watched the merc put the bottle to his lips and swallow, and tried not to lick his own lips in response. This was so fucking stupid. Maybe it was the stress. Or the fact that, even though it felt like just a few days since the last time he'd fucked Ashley, it had been over two years since he'd actually gotten laid. Or hell, maybe it was the knowledge that he was, in essence, undead. Whatever it was, his skin crawled with pent up desire for the man, and his body insisted that he needed Massani.

 

Like now.

 

Zaeed passed him the bottle, and he took it, closing his eyes and pouring a generous swallow down his gullet. It was so smooth he didn't even grimace, and Massani gave him an approving nod. Shepard just licked his lips and took a drag off his smoke. They passed the bottle back and forth awhile, the spirit loosening their tongues a little, and traded stories for an hour or more.

 

“ So this deal you made with Cerberus?” Shepard asked at length.

 

“ Tell you more when we get there,” the merc said.

 

“ It'll probably be a few weeks.”

 

“ Shouldn't be a problem,” Zaeed informed him.

 

Shepard nodded and stood. “We're going after Archangel in a few hours. You're on the ground team. Meet me at the airlock at 1900 hours.”

 

“ Yes, Sir.”

 

He imagined it. Surely he did. There was no way in hell he saw a little flash of desire in Massani's eyes when he said,  _ “Sir.” _ And there was no fucking way in God's Glorious Galaxy that the man had  _ emphasized _ the word. Shepard swallowed. Hard. Zaeed grinned.

 

“ We should do this again soon, Shepard.”

 

Gabe gave a shallow nod and left the room, heading straight to his quarters to jerk off for the second time that day.

 

**

 

Archangel turned out to be none other than his old friend and teammate, Garrus Vakarian. He and Gabe took up residence in the lounge and proceeded to get completely shitfaced while Garrus updated him on the last few years and Gabe took all of ten minutes to tell all that he knew about what had happened to him the last two years. Shepard was already three sheets to the wind when Massani showed up in the lounge with a handful of cigars. Smirking, he passed one to Shepard, who took it, returning the man's grin. A cigar was offered to the turian, who declined.

 

“ You play poker, Shepard?” Massani asked, pulling a deck of cards out of a pocket on his camouflage cargo pants.

 

“ Not when I'm this fucked up,” Gabe said, laughing.

 

“ Come on, Shepard. I'll go  _ easy  _ on you.”

 

There it was again. That little spark of desire. Either that or he was  _ way _ more fucked up than he realized. “Maybe I don't like it  _ easy _ ,” he quipped, and Zaeed definitely reacted to that, body going rigid for the barest moment as their eyes met. Gabe didn't fail to notice the man's nostrils flaring as he inhaled sharply. Garrus fidgeted beside him, causing him to break eye contact with the mercenary. Shepard laughed, took a puff off his cigar. “Deal 'em out.”

 

“ So where're you from, Shepard?” Zaeed asked during their third hand of Skyllian Five.

 

“ Mindoir. You?”

 

“ London.”

 

“ Could've guessed with that accent,” Gabe informed him.

 

“ Didn't that colony get attacked fifteen, twenty years ago?”

 

“ Fifteen.”

 

“ You there?”

 

“ Yep.”

 

Garrus motioned to Zaeed to drop the matter, but the merc either didn't catch on or ignored it altogether. “What happened?”

 

Shepard's blue eyes were icy when he looked up at Massani. “I watched a batarian rape my mother while four others held me and my old man down. It wasn't until they slit her throat that I managed to find the strength to break their hold and make a run for it.”

 

“ Holy fuck, Shepard. What happened to your father?”

 

“ Fuck if I know. I left that sick bastard to his fate. I hope he's been a slave this whole fucking time,” Gabe spat. He stared down at the cards in his hand as if they were responsible for the fate of his family.

 

Garrus sighed beside him. He'd heard all this before and knew that their night was now officially over. Gabe despised talking about his past, and no wonder. In all his years at C-Sec, Garrus had never encountered anyone who's life was more screwed up. But Massani wasn't done twisting the knife. “Guess that explains Torfan,” the merc ruthlessly plowed ahead.

 

Much to Garrus' surprise, Shepard barked a humorless laugh, “Yep. I made sure those bastards paid for what they did to her.” A hollow vacancy colored his eyes as he recollected the events of that day and just how many batarians had died by his own hand.

 

“ Well, you'll have to tell me about it some time,” Zaeed said, then seamlessly changed the subject, telling about one of his daring misadventures as a budding mercenary. By the time he was finished, Shepard was laughing and smiling and back to being happily drunk, and Garrus' trained eyes didn't miss the smoldering looks that either man threw at each other.  _ Interesting _ , he thought. He'd have to keep an eye on this development.

 

**

 

Gabe awoke stuck to the sheets. Again.

 

This was so far beyond  _ fucking _ ridiculous. He was thirty one  _ fucking _ years old. He shouldn't be having  _ fucking _ wet dreams! He was tempted to go down below engineering and screw that naked psychopath just to get it out of his goddamned system. She'd already offered once, and he'd turned her down. Why he'd refused, he hadn't exactly figured out, but he was a thousand percent fucking positive that it had nothing whatsoever to do with the sexy as all hell mercenary taking up residence just a few floors beneath him.

 

Thinking of Massani beneath him had him growing hard. How the hell was he supposed to complete this mission when the only thing he could think about was getting off?  _ Mother fuck! _ Angrily, he threw off the blankets and stepped into a cold shower. It didn't help. He was just as hard when he came out of it as he'd been when he went in. Mind made up, he threw on some jeans and a t-shirt and stormed into the elevator.

 

He'd been stuck on the damned ship for three wretched weeks with Zaeed Massani, and it was all he could do to focus on anything other than the man's ass. Something had to give. Either he had to get laid, or he was going to go insane. The two of them spent time together every single day talking about shit from the past or just shooting the damned breeze, and he had yet to suss out whether or not the man was even into guys. Zaeed had mentioned a few affairs with women, and a few times Gabe's hopes had been completely dashed. But then he'd go and say something that Shepard would swear was flirting, and by this point the Commander was just fucking confused.

 

And horny.

 

And frustrated.

 

The elevator doors hissed open on the engineering deck and he plowed forward, and straight into his secret obsession. Zaeed grunted and told him to watch where the fuck he was going. Shepard muttered an apology, electric blue eyes flitting all over the place, refusing to land on the mercenary.

 

“Where the fuck are you going in such a rush?”

 

Shepard mumbled about needing to check with Donnelly on something, and Massani chuckled, “Barefoot?”

 

Looking down at his feet, indeed bare, Shepard cursed. When he finally allowed his eyes to meet Massani's, he saw that desire that had been making fleeting appearances in the man's eyes over the weeks of their acquaintance. Gabe watched him for a moment, both men's expressions near unreadable.

 

_ Fuck it _ , he thought, grabbing the merc's face and crushing their lips together as sweet relief flowed through him. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabe and Zaeed work out an arrangement for stress relief.

The last three weeks had been hell as Zaeed waited for Shepard to make his move. The man was a distraction, in the worst sort of way. Thoughts of the sexy young Commander, whose fierce blue eyes seemed to peer into his very soul, had nearly consumed all his waking hours since he'd boarded the Normandy.

 

He'd heard of Shepard, of course, but never really paid any attention to the man or the rumors surrounding him. Shepard was a soldier, and did what soldiers do. This particular soldier just happened to be rather exceptional at his job, as evidenced by the fact that Cerberus had shelled out billions of credits to revive the man, giving him a top of the line ship and the best crew in the galaxy to boot.

 

Right now none of that mattered to Zaeed. Finally able to taste those soft lips he'd been fantasizing about was enough to keep his brain well and truly occupied for the moment. And shit, did the man taste good.

 

The feel of Shepard's tongue against his lips spurred him to action, and he gripped the man's collar, shoving him roughly against the wall of the elevator. He pressed into the kiss while the Commander swatted blindly at the controls. Shepard's scent – gun oil and whiskey and smoke – filled him, fueling his desire until it threatened to boil over, and the burn of scraping stubble only stoked the flames higher and higher.

 

Stumbling feet carried them toward the bed, left unmade in the man's obvious haste this morning. Zaeed had no idea what Shepard's intentions were when he'd stormed barefoot down to the engineering deck this morning, but as they tumbled onto the mattress, his frantic movements indicated that he wasn't the only one who'd been imagining this little encounter.

 

He felt Shepard's cold fingertips on the bare skin of his belly, and the man grunted as he tugged at Zaeed's t-shirt. His chuckle sounded dry as dust, even to his own ears, but Shepard grinned at hearing it, sucking in a sharp breath when Zaeed pulled the garment over his head. Shepard's resolve seemed to snap like a rubber band, and his hands flew into a frenzy as they roved his body. When he remembered himself, Gabe slowed, tracing the patterns of tattoos that colored the mercenary, the blue of his eyes giving way to black arousal.

 

There was another smile from the Commander, something almost soft but edged with steel, and before Massani knew what was happening, Shepard had rolled them over, straddling his waist and kissing him roughly again. The younger man sat up suddenly, grabbing the hem of his shirt with both hands and ripping it over his head to send it flying, and Zaeed found that he'd been just as desperate to map Shepard's body as the younger man had been.

 

Red lines marred the otherwise smooth skin covering impressive muscles, but Zaeed ignored those, knowing they were likely unpleasant reminders of what the man had been through. The scars did nothing to detract from his beauty. In fact, the story they told, of hardship and perseverance, of a stubborn will to survive, simply made the man more intriguing. More than a hot ass to fuck, Shepard was something of a puzzle to solve. A thought that didn't sit well with Massani.

 

“ Take your fucking pants off,” he muttered as his hands wandered over bulging muscle and scar laced skin.

 

Shepard's laugh was dark and sent shivers up Zaeed's spine, and the older man watched with hooded eyes as the Commander stood on the bed and stripped off his jeans quickly. His cock stood out proudly, and Zaeed couldn't help licking his lips, watching as Gabe gave himself a few lazy strokes. “Want this?” The cocky bastard! Massani could hardly decide between kissing that goddamn smirk off the man's face or sucking his dick.

 

He watched the muscles of Shepard's arm roll and ripple with every twist and pull, and when a shiny drop of pre-cum leaked from the tip, Zaeed's mind was made up. Leaning forward, he licked the dewy drop away, his groan getting lost in Shepard's. Fingers threaded into his short hair, pulling him closer, encouraging Zaeed to get on with it already, and he grinned up at the man before taking him straight back to his throat.

 

“ Fuck!”

 

Zaeed would have grinned again if his mouth hadn't been otherwise engaged at the moment. As it was, he winked at the younger man, and set to work in earnest. Shepard's eyes were wide as he watched his cock disappear into the wet heat of the older man's mouth, but he remained silent, save a few quick hisses of air when Zaeed hit just the right spot.

 

“ Fuck, I've wanted to watch you do this since I first saw you on Omega,” Shepard whispered with a shallow thrust of his hips.

 

He pulled off, jacking the Commander's erection with measured movements, and grinned. “Should've fucking said something sooner. We could've been doing this the whole goddamn time.”

 

“ Christ!” Gabe's eyes rolled back in his head as the word came out in a long groan.

 

“ Why don't you come fuck me now?”

 

Shepard hadn't been expecting that; Zaeed would bet his life on it. The way the man growled, dropping to his knees and knocking him onto his back, had him chuckling more. Eager teeth bit at his lips, just shy of painful, causing him to arch into the younger man. “Take your fucking pants off,” Shepard ordered with a grin, mimicking Zaeed's earlier words, then he abandoned him to rummage through the nightstand for lube.

 

Zaeed eyed the nearly empty tube with a knowing smirk, and Shepard just shrugged, tossing the bottle down and bringing their lips back together. “Goddamn you taste good, Massani,” Shepard murmured as he nipped at the older man's neck. Words were hard to come by at the moment, so Zaeed settled for grinding his hips against Shepard's, both men hissing at the friction created. “Turn over.”

 

Shepard's fingers were a welcome intrusion, and his dick sliding along the cleft of his ass even more so. Massani moaned into the pillow as Gabe bit along his shoulders and the crook of his neck. “I'm ready,” he managed to say, and Shepard wasted no time replacing the fingers in his ass with his cock.

 

“ So damn tight,” the Commander said quietly. “Just like I knew you would be.”

 

“ Been thinking about fucking me in the ass have you?”

 

His smart remark was cut short by the snap of Shepard's hips. Gabe stilled, leaned forward, and murmured in Zaeed's ear. “As a matter of fact, I have. Just like this, too. With your ass in the air, just for me, begging me to fuck you.”

 

“ I'm not one to beg, Shepard,” Zaeed nearly snarled.

 

“ Lucky for you I don't have the patience for it today.” He rocked forward again, shivering against Zaeed's back, then sat up straighter, and moved, quickly building to a blistering pace. “Not gonna last long,” he panted, squeezing Zaeed's hips hard enough to bruise.

 

“ Fine by me. Then I'll get the chance to fuck you, too.”

 

That was enough to undo Shepard, and he came with a curse, then stilled, taking a moment to knead the merc's hips with gentle hands. Pulling away, he fell onto the bed. “Damn,” he breathed, and Zaeed laughed softly, pressing a kiss to the Commander's lips.

 

Gabe's eyes swept the man's body, hard muscle and downy gray hair, and when they landed on the man's still erect cock, he grinned, his own dick twitching at the sight. Zaeed gave a small shudder, forcibly rolling Shepard onto his stomach. The look he received could only be called lecherous, blue eyes flicking to his over his shoulder.

 

He moved quickly to prepare the man, slipping into him with ease when he was done, and his lust spiked at Shepard's moan. “Get on your hands and knees so I can fuck you good and proper,” Zaeed said, grinning at Shepard's breathy laugh. Gabe obliged him, thrusting back hard against his hips as Massani slowly shifted forward.

 

“ Come on and fuck me, Massani.”

 

“ You're so goddamn tight,” he muttered.

 

“ So loosen me up,” Gabe demanded. “Come on Zaeed. Give it to me.”

 

A tremor wracked his body at Shepard's request, but he couldn't resist giving into the command. For long minutes, the cabin was filled with the sounds of their fucking – skin slapping skin, muttered curses, and moans that made his toes curl.

 

There was a moment of surprise as Zaeed noticed Shepard stroking his own cock in time with his thrusts, but he didn't have the capacity to study on it. “Fuck, Zaeed,” Shepard gasped just as his body seized up for the second time that morning, and the merc finished with him, a low groan ushering from his chest.

 

Shepard fell forward onto the bed, despite the mess, and Zaeed followed him down, pressing kisses against the back of his neck and along his shoulders. When Shepard tensed and began squirming beneath him, Massani frowned and moved away.

 

The Commander left the bed so quickly it would have been comical if it hadn't been for the slight sting he felt in his chest. Shepard disappeared into the bathroom, and he heard the shower start up a moment later. Zaeed stayed where he was, still trying to catch his breath and wondering what had spooked the man. 

 

In true soldier form, Shepard stepped out of the bathroom in less than five minutes, white towel pulled snug around his waist. “You're welcome to use the shower to clean up,” he stated, pointing in the general direction of the bathroom and heading toward his locker.

 

Propped on his elbow, the merc watched as Shepard dressed with the precise military efficiency born of years of training and practice. “I'll head down to the crew deck for my shower,” he said at last, rising to begin the hunt for his clothing.

 

“ Suit yourself,” Shepard said with a shrug, pulling the top of his Cerberus fatigues on with a scowl. Whether the sour face was meant for the Cerberus uniform or him, Zaeed wasn't sure.

 

By the time he was dressed, the Commander was pulling his boots on, and Massani grabbed him by the collar, hauling him off the bed. Shepard looked ready to punch him, but Zaeed kissed him soundly before he had the chance. “This was fun, Shepard,” he muttered. “We should do it again sometime.”

 

A curse reached his ears just as he strode out the door, and he couldn't help grinning. He had no idea what the hell Shepard's deal was, but the man was good in bed, and for now, that was enough for him to play along.

  
  
  


**

  
  


From the look on Ashley's face, Gabe could tell he was the last person she ever expected to see again. Not surprising considering she thought he was dead. When she hugged him, he returned it stiffly, not sure exactly what she was expecting of him. The pained expression on her face caught him off guard, and it was only after hearing her confess that she'd loved him that his brain finally caught up.  _ Shit! _

 

For the last couple of weeks, he and Zaeed had been hitting the sheets pretty regularly. It was fun – actually, it was pretty fucking incredible – and his focus had been sharper now that his stress was being relieved at frequent intervals. In every instance, however, it was simply a matter of tucking it away and getting on with the business of waging war when the party was over. Always there was a kiss and a promise to go again later, which Gabe was perfectly fine with. He wasn't looking for more.

 

So when Zaeed made a disgruntled noise behind him at Ashley's confession, Shepard had no idea which of them to scowl at first. The sound of Miranda's impatient huffing made him choose Ashley if only for the simple fact that the Cerberus operative looked nearly ready to murder someone, and the less ammunition Cerberus had against him the better.

 

He sighed. “It wasn't the same for me, Williams. I'm sorry. I thought we were just having a good time.” He saw the horror on her face the moment it clicked into place. Before she could let into him with a tirade of words that meant nothing to him and would inevitably glance off the hardened armor of his heart like a bullet off a kinetic barrier, he held up his hand to stop her. “Hate me all you want to Williams, but I need you to take me to what's left of the colony's leadership so I can complete my mission here.”

 

Ashley stared at him, momentarily stunned, while Shepard glared back with his arms across his chest. “You're a real asshole, you know that,” she said at last, shaking her head with something like disbelief.

 

“ So they tell me. Shall we?” He gestured with his open hand, and Ashley rolled her eyes with a scoff, turning on her heel and marching away from him. Shepard and crew followed her further into the colony.

 

People in various stages of stasis littered the field around them, and the Commander called Joker to have him send the shuttle with Solus and Chakwas so they could tend to the wounded. Grunt and Garrus were called upon to load the craft with crates of food and medical supplies – enough to hold them over until the Alliance could send relief ships.

 

Shepard worked all afternoon with the crew, off loading boxes and getting them where they needed to be, moving debris so that more room could be made for sick colonists. A shadow covered him, and he glanced over to see Garrus standing beside him with an amused look on his face. “Something funny?”

 

“ This doesn't look good, Shepard,” the turian drawled.

 

“ The hell are you on about?”

 

“ I'm talking about the girl you used to fuck and the man you're currently fucking steeped in what is undoubtedly scintillating conversation on the other side of the field.”

 

Gabe tracked Garrus' gaze and sure enough, Ashley and Zaeed were talking and laughing as they unpacked a crate full of bandages. An uncomfortable pinching settled in his chest, and he frowned before turning his attention back to his own task, refusing to acknowledge either the irritating feeling inside or the couple across the way. “Don't you have some work to do, Vakarian? Over there,” he made a vague gesture with his hand and got to work, ignoring the turian's chuckle as he strode away.

 

Sweat rolled between his shoulder blades, making him more irritable than usual. He fucking hated hot weather, and the heat and humidity of Horizon were nearly unbearable. Removing the top half of his armor, he sat heavily on a crate, downing half a bottle of water then pouring the rest over his head. Trying to dry his hands was a futile effort, but he grabbed a cigarette out of the pack and lit it anyway, exhaling with an annoyed huff.

 

“ You know,” Massani's thick accent said from beside him, “for such a fucking hardass, you sure are a softy at heart.”

 

Gabe looked over to see the merc on an adjacent crate, lighting a cigarette of his own.  “ I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Massani.”

 

Zaeed blew a plume of smoke from between his lips and pointed toward the colonists with his cigarette. “I mean when you're talking to people, you're an absolute shit, but when people are hurting, you spend an entire afternoon in a goddamn hellhole trying to help them.”

 

Shepard rolled his eyes. “Being an asshole doesn't make me indifferent to people's suffering, Zaeed. I like people just fine. It's just... individuals I can't stand.”

 

“ Like that Williams?”

 

“ No. Her I liked... until today at least,” Shepard shook his head with a humorless laugh. “Not sure what the hell I could have possibly said to make her think I was in love with her. I'm not the kind of guy to make promises to someone just because my dick is inside them, and I damn sure don't make them outside the bedroom.” He scratched his jaw, fingernails rasping in the day’s growth of beard, then he shrugged again and met the merc's eyes. “Why? Were you two over there comparing notes or something?”

 

“ Don't fucking flatter yourself, Shepard,” he scoffed. “As if we wouldn't have something better to talk about than you.”

 

“ What were you talking about, then?” he asked, completely unfazed by Massani's attempted slight.

 

“ Why? Jealous?”

 

“ No. Curious.” Gabe scanned the horizon. There were still colonists coming out of the stasis. The majority of the ones who'd already come out were still reeling from the effects of the neurotoxin. Most of the colony's doctors were either abducted or ill themselves, and Chakwas and Mordin had their hands full. He supposed he should offer to help. It didn't take a medical degree to read people's vitals and give them injections after all, and he could follow orders as well as give them.

 

“ She asked what my story was, and I told her,” the merc said, drawing Gabe's attention back to their conversation.

 

Shepard looked at him again, “You told her about us?”

 

“ Is there an us?”

 

“ You know what I mean, Massani. Did you tell her we're fucking?”

 

“ Is that what we're doing?”

 

“ Is it not?” Gabe tried to get a read on the man, but he had a good poker face – perhaps even better than Shepard's own.

 

Zaeed shrugged, “I'm fine with the way things are.”

 

Shepard felt an odd combination of relief and disappointment at his words, but simply said, “Good. Me too,” and snuffed out his cigarette. “We're staying here tonight,” he informed the man then crossed the field to offer a hand to the doctors. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard over thinks everything.

The sun had begun to sink beyond the horizon when Shepard finally felt like he could take a break. He mentioned to his crew that he was going for a walk in the direction of the lake on the outskirts of the colony and headed out. 

 

This planet was so goddamn  _ hot! _ Mindoir had been a temperate planet with temps hovering at seventy degrees Fahrenheit year round. Being accustomed to moderate temperatures meant that Shepard was miserable if he was either too hot or too cold – either of which he was nearly ninety percent of the time. He felt he could handle the cold better, though. Heat made his temper flare like a volcano on the sun. And one could always add more layers of clothing in frigid weather, but there was only so much he could take off before the authorities got involved.

 

Reaching the edge of the lake, he glanced around to be sure he was alone then stripped off bare ass. He waded into the water till it reached his thighs before diving under. It was amazingly cool and refreshing, and just the thing he needed to wash away the sweat and stench of death that had been clinging to him all day. He groaned with relief at the cooling sensation, thankful to not feel like his skin was on fire anymore.

 

Orange scars still glowed faintly all over his body. Chakwas had taken care of the ones on his face with her fancy machine, because everybody in the whole fucking galaxy knew that Commander Gabriel Shepard was  _ not _ a positive thinker. Ever the pessimist, he frowned at the thought that it would likely take four or five more surgeries to heal the rest of the scars on his body. If Zaeed minded, however, he'd never let on, and Gabe didn't really care one way or the other. Well, he didn't want to look like a giant glowing jigsaw puzzle for the rest of his life – no matter how short – so he supposed that meant he did care at least a little.

 

The water stung the scars, but felt so amazing otherwise, that he ignored the niggling pain. He lay on his back floating on top of the water and stared up at the stars beginning to appear in the sky. As a child, he and his mom had spent many nights stargazing. She pointed out the constellations to him, telling fanciful stories about the characters represented. He didn't know the constellations of Horizon, but he easily found the shapes and patterns in the bright points of light. His mother's voice rang clear in his mind –  _ Wouldn't it be fun to run away, Gabe? To travel amongst those stars? We could visit new places and meet so many interesting people. _

 

How he wished they had gone – had left Daniel Shepard and his drunken rage behind. Then there would have been no batarians to take away the only thing that had ever truly mattered to him. The only thing that had been left to him. Gabe had adored Hannah Shepard, had failed her in so many ways. He hadn't protected her when it had mattered most – hadn't ever protected her like he should have. Now she was gone. Longing that he never allowed himself to dwell on surged up, choking and blinding, eyes stinging with tears that he stubbornly refused to let fall.

 

The water was quickly losing it's appeal, but before he could move to get out, he was forcefully pushed under. An iron grip held him down for a few seconds, and he actually started to panic. Pushing up off the lake bottom, he forced himself out of the grasp and came up spluttering, cursing, and swinging his fists. One connected with solid flesh, and he realized that it was Zaeed just before the older man's lips crashed into his.

 

Gabe was torn between being furious and aroused, and decided on a whim to let himself just be the latter. The chance to abandon his morose thoughts was a welcome one, and his arms went around the merc's neck. He deepened the kiss until they were breathless and dizzy. “Fucking asshole,” he muttered when they stopped for air.

 

Zaeed laughed and brought their mouths back together. Shepard allowed himself to get lost in the feeling of the older man's lips as the merc moved to pepper his perpetually stubbly jaw with kisses. The thrill of lust and the bliss of Massani's touch let him forget things better left buried. He groaned when the man clamped down on his neck but came back to himself when the mercenary started sucking a bruise on the smooth skin. “No fucking marks,” he hissed, “at least not where anyone can see them.”

 

“Am I to be your dirty little secret then, Shepard?”

 

Gabe rolled his eyes, “No. I just don't think the crew need to know what's going on.”

 

“You think they don't already?”

 

“Let me have my delusions a little longer, Massani.” He grinned at the older man, then kissed him again, slow and savoring. Snaking one hand under the water, he burrowed between them, gripping the older man's shaft and giving it a long, firm stroke.

 

“Fuck, Shepard,” Zaeed moaned.

 

“That's the idea,” Gabe said huskily.

 

With a lecherous gleam in his eye, the older man returned the favor. Shepard's head fell back with a moan, giving the merc ample opportunity to mouth against the now exposed flesh of the younger man's throat again. Gabe clutched the back of the man's neck, holding him tighter against his skin as they continued to stroke each other under the water. As their pace increased, they both began to thrust into each other’s hand. Eventually, they joined their hands to encase both cocks, letting them rub together as they rutted. Shepard gripped the man's graying hair tightly, pulling him up so their mouths could come together again for a sloppy, open mouthed kiss. Breaths were heavy and ragged around their gasps and sounds of pleasure, and Shepard was glad of the distraction that relieved his mind of overburdened thoughts.

 

“You feel so goddamn good, Shepard,” Massani moaned.

 

“So do you,” he returned with a gasp. “Gonna come.”

 

“Yeah,” Zaeed said just as Shepard felt the momentary warmth of the man's release before it dissipated into the cool water around them. Gabe was right there with him, and he pressed their foreheads together as they rode out their high together.

 

“Jesus.”

 

Zaeed hummed in agreement and rooted forward until their lips were pressed together again. They basked in the lazy kisses of their post coital haze for several long minutes before Zaeed muttered, “I'm fucking freezing now.”

 

Gabe laughed and nipped at the merc's lower lip. “Come on, you pussy. Let's get out.” He turned toward the shore and froze. Ashley Williams was standing there with a horrified expression. “Enjoy the show, Williams?” Shepard spat, watching as the the woman turned and fled toward the colony. “Fuck!”

 

Shepard didn't bother trying to find Ashley when he got back to the colony. He honestly didn't give two fucks about her. She was a fine soldier, but his feelings for her had only extended so far as getting into her pants. Now he'd moved on. His only regret was the high likelihood that she would gossip about what she'd seen. His sexuality was not something he was ashamed of, but it was personal. News had a way of traveling fast, and he didn't want their activities broadcast for the galaxy to revel in. Hell, he ought to have  _ something _ that was just for him alone.

 

When he'd died, all his assets had been absorbed by the Alliance, seeing as he had no surviving family to speak of. Even his retirement home on Intai'sei had been sold. Other than a couple pairs of jeans and t-shirts, he had nothing to his name, nothing to call his own. Nothing except for this secret... tryst or whatever the fuck it was with Zaeed.

 

In the past, it hadn't bothered him that he was practically a drifter. The Alliance provided for the basic necessities of life, and he'd never seen the need for more than that. Now things felt different. He felt odd in his own skin, like something was off kilter, creeping along his titanium bones, plaguing him with an itch that couldn't be scratched. Being with Zaeed made him forget all those things. Things he'd never wanted dredged up in the first place. Like memories of smoke and ash and lifeless chestnut eyes, and this unfamiliar ache in his soul that only went away when he could lose himself in a good bottle of whiskey or a good fuck.

 

The team had set up camp near the center of the colony, and a grumbling Shepard threw himself down on his mat. He tossed and turned until he finally gave up and just laid there on his back staring up at the stars with his hands behind his head. Sleep wouldn't come, and his mind drifted back through the years. To his mother and the nights she'd filled his head with dreams and fantasies of adventure. To fire and smoke and death, and bright red batarian blood coating his hands. To the rush of pride and vengeance that came with the gurgled breaths of his dying enemies. To Ashley and how she felt and smelled and tasted, the way she'd yielded herself to him because he represented power and authority, and the way that had gone to his head, driving him mad with lust. 

 

The peace he'd felt in the lake was fleeting, his mind roiling with turmoil once more, and he tried to go back, to grab onto that moment in the lake when he'd been drowning in the storm of Zaeed Massani. He wanted to remember the way the merc's lips had felt against his – rough, bruising, scraping – and the way their bodies fitted together, pressing in tight. It slipped through his fingers like the water though, leaving him hollow and bereft. Despite the fact that he'd been alone for more than half of his life, the loneliness had never seemed as sharp as it did tonight. Sighing, he rolled over onto his side, and found a pair of mismatched eyes boring into his own.

 

Zaeed watched him wrestle with himself. “You need to get laid, Shepard,” he whispered with a smirk. “Work some of that frustration out.”

 

Gabe glowered at him. “Very helpful, Massani. I blame you for this,” he hissed back.

 

“For which part? The part where your ex-girl caught us fucking? Or the part where you're lying awake worrying about it?”

 

“Both.” He sighed again, scrubbing his hands down his face. Why  _ was _ this bothering him so much? Was it the fact that Ashley had caught them, bursting his little bubble of reprieve? He'd been trapped in his own mind for weeks since Cerberus had brought him back. The only things that helped him gain his footing these days were the stolen moments of time with Massani between missions or the times he was too drunk to remember. And that scared the absolute shit out of him.

 

“What are we doing here, Zaeed?” he asked. The old merc shrugged, but didn't say anything. Gabe nodded, not feeling any better about the predicament. Hell, it wasn't even a predicament. At least it shouldn't have been. He growled and got up off his mat, digging around for his cigarettes and stalking away from their sleeping teammates. Zaeed followed him.

 

“Give me one of yours,” he said. “I left mine over there.” Shepard handed him the pack, and they sat in silence – each man lost in thought until all their tobacco was burned away. “What do you want out of this, Shepard?”

 

What he wanted was simple – to fuck and be fucked so he didn't have to think. He didn't want his life complicated by former lovers who fancied themselves in love with him or by rumors and speculation into his involvement with Zaeed. He didn't want love. He didn't want romance. He just wanted the escape of sex and to move on with his day. The way Massani was watching him – one pale blue eye, one vivid green – intent and piercing, made him wonder about the thoughts in the merc's head. He wasn't ready to give up their little arrangement, yet he was unwilling to give more. His mind flew at FTL speeds, flitting from one disastrous scenario to another, until he actually growled, biting out a petulant, “I don't know.”

 

Massani laughed and stomped his cigarette butt out on the ground. “Well, come find me when you figure it out.”

 

“Wait, dammit! What do you want?”

 

“You,” was all he said, then turned and walked away.

 

“Very fucking helpful,” Gabe muttered too low for Zaeed to have heard him. He lit a cigarette on another sigh and laid down on the ground, staring up at the stars. What the fuck had just happened? This morning he had a nice little deal going for stress relief, and now he was practically freaking the fuck out about where this...  _ thing _ was going.

 

When morning finally came, he'd spent the whole fucking night chain smoking and staring at the sky. He was up with the sun, rolling up the sleeping mat he'd left in the makeshift camp with the others. Zaeed got up and dusted the grass and dirt off Shepard's back and ass for him, and Gabe scowled at the man. Massani simply laughed as he walked away.

 

He caught Ashley staring at them again, and resisted the urge to flip her off. Barely. When they made it back to the Normandy, Gabe locked himself away in his cabin for the rest of the day.

 

**

 

Gabriel Shepard was hiding. He knew it, and he hated it. He avoided Zaeed, despite the fact that he suffered. Thoughts, like worms, invaded his brain, loosening his control as they tore at the carefully constructed barriers he'd erected. Since Mindoir – since even before the batarians – he'd kept his heart sealed in an impenetrable fortress, necessary to protect himself. Now the memories burned just behind his eyes, tormenting him night and day.

 

He was angry. Furious. His already quick temper was like a stick of dynamite with a shortened fuse, exploding bright white and hotter than hell, and causing the crew to give him a wide berth. He didn't sleep because he couldn't. The itch that never went away gnawed at him in the night until he was up and pacing the room, wishing for something to shoot, settling for the bottle of ninety proof he kept in his desk drawer. It was self destructive, but he only needed to live long enough to stop the Collectors. Then he could surrender to the peace that death brought, joining his mother and the memory of things long lost.

 

He'd never had any innocence. His father's fists had made sure of that. From the earliest time Gabe could remember, he'd known pain and anger and just exactly how unfair the galaxy could be; how unforgiving. And now he was unforgiving as well. Hardened. Focused and strong on the battlefield. A tattered shell of a man in his quarters.

 

Zaeed stayed on the ship while Shepard went to Illium to recruit the Justicar and the assassin. Shepard made all his usual rounds, steadfastly avoiding the starboard cargo area and the mercenary who resided there. At night he remembered rough hands and stinging stubble roaming his body. He imagined lips, scarred and lined around the edges from years of smoking, engulfing his cock, filling his veins with fire and ice. And he jerked himself to an unsatisfying orgasm, making a mess of his hand and stomach, feeling nothing like it did when he was spilling into Massani.

 

Zaeed stayed on the ship while Shepard helped Miranda with her sister. After rescuing Oriana and killing Niket, the woman practically threw herself at him. She was gorgeous, and he would no doubt enjoy himself, but something held him back. Something that he flatly refused to acknowledge. He'd never had qualms about taking what he wanted, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't want Miranda. But things were complicated enough, confused enough, without adding this drama to the ship. An image of lovers, used and discarded, piled up like dead bodies in the corner, flashed through his mind, and he grimaced before telling the woman no.

 

Zaeed stayed on the ship while Shepard recruited Tali from Haestrom, and for awhile things seemed better. The quarian was like a balm to his frayed nerves, soothing him in a way no one had ever been able to do before. Not since his mother had died anyway. Her childlike innocence kicked his protective instincts into overdrive, though she would tell him he was being a bosh'tet if she knew that. Still, he took her and Garrus with him everywhere, like they were the Three Amigos tearing shit up, righting all the galaxy's wrongs. 

 

When Tali was charged with treason, Shepard became a lion defending his territory with sharp fangs and claws and got the charges dropped by sheer force of will. He'd have destroyed half the flotilla to protect Tali if he'd had to. There were only two people he could honestly say he cared about in this whole damned galaxy - in the twisted sort of way that he was capable of the emotion at any rate - and Tali was one of them. (Garrus was the other, though he’d never tell the smug bastard that.) 

 

So he had a mini melt down in his brain when Tali suggested that she wanted to _ link suits _ with him, realizing that it was a quarian euphemism.  _ Tali? Sweet little Tali? _ There were some lines even Gabriel Shepard refused to cross, and this was one of them. He would die before he hurt Tali. He'd certainly kill before he allowed her to suffer, and he knew beyond a doubt that he would hurt her in the end, whether intentional or not. As gently as he could he told her he wasn't interested in her that way, thankful, for once, that her face was hidden by a mask.

 

Zaeed and Jack were walking with their arms around each other toward starboard cargo when he came out of engineering, and he was drawn up short, staring at them – probably with his mouth hanging open. Massani smirked at him, and Shepard closed his mouth with a snap. He stepped into the elevator, punching the button to the loft so hard the panel cracked. “Joker,” he snapped, “Set a course for the Citadel. And put in a requisition order for a new elevator panel.”

 

“Aye, Sir,” the pilot responded.

 

After thinking for a few minutes, he called Kasumi and told her he was ready to complete her mission on Beckenstein. Then he went to his room, pulled out a bottle of whiskey and drank till he passed out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabe and Zaeed make up, then everything goes to hell again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for mentions of rape and abuse in this chapter. Nothing graphic, I promise, just brief mentions.

 

_The Hangover from Hell_

 

By zero nine hundred the next morning, Shepard's shitty mood had been named by the crew. The entire ship steered clear of their Commander as he stalked through the decks, growling at anyone who so much as glanced in his direction. He stubbornly refused to take even one aspirin to alleviate his pain. Though Shepard was renowned for his short temper, patience was nonexistent today. He'd already made Chambers cry at least once.

 

The itch in his bones sizzled under his skin more than usual, driving him to infuriating distraction. He couldn't go on a mission like this. They were mere hours from the Citadel relay, though, and he'd promised Kasumi that he'd be there for her mission later in the evening. The latent rage that normally simmered beneath the surface of his cool demeanor was at a full boil this morning, and he just couldn't shift it no matter what he did.

 

Retreating to the seclusion of his cabin, he attempted to work on reports for Anderson and the Council – though he felt he owed them next to nothing. He'd never been considered a team player, but the circumstances of the galaxy, the precarious position they all found themselves in, with regards to safety, made him at least attempt to reach out to his former employers. He damn sure couldn't afford to alienate anyone right now, no matter how much he wanted to tell the world to fuck off.

 

Pain behind his eyes – stabbing like ice picks into his brain – made it impossible to concentrate on his reports. Instead, he sat at his desk holding his head in his hands. The visions came again – smoke and fire and death – and by now he'd seen so much of it, he had trouble distinguishing one disaster from another. The screams of terror were all the same anyway. The stench of decay was the same. It really didn't matter where he was or who was dying.

 

When he could no longer stand to be alone with his own thoughts, he went to the mess hall and found it empty. His stomach couldn't handle the thought of food at the moment, but he poured himself two cups of coffee and headed back toward the lift. The crew needed a leader, not the crumbling mess of a man he'd let himself become. That left him wanting to hide like a coward until he could get his shit together.

 

The door to the lift opened to reveal Zaeed and Garrus, laughing and entirely too cheerful for Gabe's liking. He glared at the pair of them, until the turian stepped out of the elevator and shoved Gabe in. Shepard had never seen the doors close so fast. His scowl deepened as Massani took one of the cups of coffee for himself, sipping it and humming his thanks as he tapped the broken button to deck one.

 

“What the fuck do you think you're doing?” Shepard asked when Zaeed followed him into the loft. The merc didn't say a word, simply took both cups of coffee and set them on the desk. Then Gabe was pinned against the wall before he could blink.

 

“I'm going to fuck this pissy mood out of you,” Zaeed said at last. “You've been avoiding me for weeks now, and I'm goddamn sick of it!”

 

“I haven't-”

 

“Bullshit!” Zaeed jabbed a finger into his chest.

 

Shepard smacked it away. “You don't-”

 

“Stop being so afraid of having feelings, you stubborn fucking asshole!”

 

“Fuck you, Massani! You don't know me! What? You think you're going come in here and save me from myself? You think you're the first to try? Well, it's not going to happen!” Gabe gave the man a shove, but Zaeed pushed him against the wall again.

 

The merc kissed him, lips bruising through the clash of teeth. “Just give me a chance,” he said against Shepard's mouth.

 

“I can't do that.” The fight seemed to have leached right out of the younger man, and he slumped against the wall as Zaeed studied him.

 

Instead of arguing, the merc kissed him again, and this time, Shepard yielded more willingly, grabbing fistfuls of Zaeed's shirt to pull him closer.

 

“What about Jack?” Gabe asked when they paused for air.

 

“What _about_ Jack?”

 

“Aren't you fucking her?”

 

“No... why would you think that?”

 

“I saw you together yesterday,” Shepard growled.

 

“Never took you for the jealous type, Shepard.”

 

“I'm not. I just don't want things getting... out of hand aboard the ship. If you're with her, you're not going to be with me,” he said, emphasizing his point with a finger to the merc's chest.

 

“I've never fucked anyone on this ship but you,” Zaeed told him honestly. “And if you'll shut the hell up, I'll fuck you again.”

 

Shepard rolled his eyes but didn't resist when Massani shoved him roughly toward the bed. Zaeed fucked him harder than ever before, but it was finally enough for Shepard to feel some relief from his tormented thoughts. Blunt nails scraped his back raw, digging out the relentless memories, tossing them away, and leaving them as tattered as his skin. Teeth bit into his shoulder, tearing out the visions of lifeless brown eyes. His warm, wet tongue soothed every mark, washing away the blood he saw on his hands each time he looked at them. Gabe's orgasm shook him to his core, tremors wracking his body until he collapsed with the strain of keeping up the pretense of strength.

 

He was completely drained – emotionally, mentally, and physically – so much so he couldn't find the will to complain when Zaeed replaced his harsh actions with gentle kisses to all his bruises and scrapes. “Better?” the merc whispered in his ear, and Shepard simply nodded, unable to speak at the moment. Not trusting his voice if he could.

 

With a sigh, Zaeed moved to the opposite side of the bed, and Shepard rolled over, tucking his hands behind his head to watch the stars fly overhead. “Is that hard to look at?” Zaeed asked, and Gabe balked at the concern in the man's voice.

 

He held the merc's gaze for long minutes, wrestling with himself. Should he be honest, or let the matter drop? Vulnerability was not his strong suit. This thing with Massani, however screwed up it was, had gone on for longer than any previous relationship in his life. There was surprising comfort in that, even if it pained him to admit it. The idea that he couldn't conquer these demons alone threatened to ruin the peace he'd just reclaimed. Tired of arguing with himself, he finally sighed, “Sometimes,” then returned his attention to the stars.

 

“Why the fuck are you so afraid of having feelings?”

 

It was the second time today that Zaeed had brought it up. Whether he owed the man any explanations or not, he found himself answering, “Because every time I've allowed myself to love anyone or anything, it's been taken away from me – usually violently.”

 

“Like your mum?”

 

“And a girl – Lily.”

 

“Batarians?”

 

“No... my dad, actually.” Shepard's voice turned deadly cold when he spoke again, so low the merc could hardly hear him. “Fucking bastard raped her. Her parents never pressed charges, but they moved her away – back to Earth I guess. They sure as hell wouldn't let me know where. Of course it meant she wasn't there when the batarians came. Not that what she suffered was any better. With any luck, she thinks I died on Mindoir along with the rest of them.”

 

“Jesus Christ... Shepard that-”

 

“Just don't, Zaeed. There's nothing you can say that will change it.”

 

“Gabe....”

 

Shepard looked at him. No one ever called him Gabe. Ever. Not since his mother died.

 

“Neither of those things is your fault. You know that right?”

 

The stars caught his attention again. “So the therapist they made me see after the attack, and again after Torfan, told me, but... sure as shit feels like it was my fault. Lily came to my house looking for me, and dad was there – drunk as usual. If I'd made her understand why she couldn't come to my house, she... it wouldn't have happened.”

 

“He'd done this before?”

 

“I don't know... maybe. He'd get drunk and beat the hell out of mom and me. I think he raped her, too. I'd hear her screaming and begging him to leave her alone, but... I was too chicken shit to go see. To save her. From him or from the batarians.”

 

Zaeed reached over and took hold of his chin, forcing him to look at him, “Gabe, you were a kid. Hell, you were only sixteen when she died. There was nothing you could have done.”

 

“Doesn't mean I shouldn't have tried.” Shepard shrugged away from the man's touch and got up. Still naked, he went into the bathroom and came back a few moments later with a glass of water, rummaging in the nightstand for some aspirin for his headache. He sat on the side of the bed and cradled his head in his hands, flinching at Zaeed's warm touch against his back. Though he fought to settle himself and just let it rest there.

 

“I'm sorry, Shepard.”

 

“For what?”

 

“That all those things happened. That you're struggling with this.”

 

“Why do you want to be here?” he couldn't seem to keep from asking.

 

“The sex is pretty fucking fantastic,” the older man said, and Gabe huffed a laugh. “But... I don't know. There's something... there's _something_ here, isn't there?”

 

“I don't want there to be,” Gabe confessed.

 

“I know. So... until you do... the sex is fucking fantastic.”

 

“It is pretty fucking great,” Shepard agreed with a smirk, still refusing to meet the merc's eyes. With a sigh, he stood and pulled Massani up with him, taking the time to brush a kiss across the man's lips. “Come on. Let's get back to work.”

 

**

 

“What the fuck is that?” Shepard eyed the suit in Kasumi's hands, lip curling up with disdain.

 

“It's called a suit, Shep,” she said drolly. “You can be so silly sometimes.”

 

Gabriel Shepard had never been _silly_ a day in his life. “I'm not wearing that.”

 

“Oh yes you are.” The thief shoved the garment into his chest. “Now, scoot along and make yourself pretty.”

 

Shepard scowled at her, but Kasumi was undaunted, flashing him a cheery smile and turning him toward the door. She sent him on his way with a gentle push. Why did she have to be so goddamn happy all the time? He grumbled at the suit in his hand then stomped his way toward the elevator.

 

As it turned out, Zaeed loved the sight of Shepard in a suit. Gabe stopped to tell him that he and Kasumi were leaving, and the merc had bent him over the nearest crate and fucked him senseless. Gabe was still dazed when he met Kasumi in the shuttle bay ten minutes later.

 

“You okay, Shep?”

 

“Hm? Yeah... fine,” he mumbled, utterly failing to notice the woman's smirk.

 

He had a bad feeling about the mission from the moment Hock came out and said Kasumi couldn't come in with him. Not that he was worried about being able to handle it – he was a infiltrator for fuck's sake. This mission was right up his alley. No, it was more of a premonition that he always seemed to get when things were about to go FUBAR.

 

He'd felt it on Torfan, but he'd ignored it and sent his squad in anyway – and the whole fucking galaxy still hated him for that. He'd felt it on Virmire, but there hadn't been anything he could have done about it – now Kaidan Alenko was dead. He felt it now, but didn't know how to prevent whatever was about to happen.

 

After they broke into the vault and stole the graybox back from Hock, Gabe began to understand a little more about where the premonition had come from. Still, he couldn't have guessed what would happen.

 

As they exited the warehouse onto the landing pad, his tactical cloak and shield failed, and he got clipped in the shoulder. Bullet wounds were nothing new. Normally he would just slap some medigel on there and shake it off to finish the mission. This was his bad shoulder, however – injured during a training mission in N-school. Completing the objective with the bullet still lodged in his shoulder was how he'd earned his promotion to N6. Whether it had never healed properly or what, he didn't know, but even dying and being rebuilt from the ground up hadn't cured the residual pain that he still carried from the incident. The problem was compounded by the fact that it was a polonium round that struck him this time.

 

Wound pouring blood and toxin spreading throughout his body, he reactivated his cloak and soldiered on until Hock showed up with his fucking gunship. Already in agony and mind weakening from the delirium of the poison, he let his cloak fail once more and took a burst of fire from the ship. The first bullet struck his shin and shattered it, but the shots continued up his body puncturing his armor until one struck his right lung. This was it. He was fucking dying again. He just knew it.

 

Kasumi shouted for him to stay in cover – as if he were going anywhere – while she dealt with the ship's shields. Once they were down, he popped out of cover and hit the ship with a barrage of missiles from his ML-77. The damned thing exploded like a supernova, and he collapsed back on the ground, letting the thief deal with the remaining few lackey's that were still advancing on them.

 

He wasn't exactly sure how Kasumi got him back to the shuttle, but the next thing he knew, he was being dragged out of the craft by Zaeed, a look of sheer terror on the man's face.

 

“Zaeed?” A pang of regret stabbed him – for what he wasn't exactly sure. Though a voice in the back of his mind said it was for more time. More time with Zaeed? More time to finish his mission? Fuck if he knew. As his vision darkened, the only thought he had was that he hoped no one would bother to bring him back this time.

 

“Gabe, goddammit! Don't you dare fucking die!”

 

“M'kay,” Shepard murmured before losing consciousness.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zaeed begins to make his intentions more clear, and Gabe has too much time to think.

Voices swam in his head. Always the same old thing repeating on an endless loop.  _ “Gabe! Go! Run!” “Sir, they've surrendered!” “I don't give a shit! We're not leaving any of these bastards alive!” “Fight hard, Lieutenant. Die proud!” “Aye, aye, Commander.” “Shepard wake up! Get out of that bed!” “Why the fuck are you so afraid to have feelings?” _

 

Memories mingled together, confused and blurry. A pair of eyes - one green, one soft blue. Emerald grass swaying in the wind over rolling hills. Fire. Death. Agony. Machines bent on destruction, razing everything in their path. Soft lips broken by scars, lined with scraping stubble.

 

The darkness began to fade, blinding white light replacing it, blotting out the shadowy images that danced across his mind's eye. Shepard drew a ragged breath, pain lancing up his right side like being sliced open with a razor. He hissed and blinked, squinting against the stark light of the medbay. A curse stuck to the roof of his mouth, staying there without being heard. The light softened, less harsh on his sensitive eyes, and Gabe felt relief wash through him that he could at least be granted that small reprieve.

 

As the pain subsided to a dull ache, he became aware of more of his surroundings. Various sounds reached his ears – the beeping of machinery, a quiet snore awfully close to his ear. Gabe turned his head, lips brushing through Zaeeds' hair where the man's head was resting on his shoulder. “Massani?”

 

The merc's expression was bleary when he lifted his head. However, his face cleared, settling somewhere between relieved and fucking pissed when his mismatched eyes finally met Shepard's icy blue. “Shepard,” he breathed. “Christ, you scared me.”

 

Shepard blinked at the man, not quite sure if he was still dreaming or not. His limbs felt heavy, and pain radiated down the entirety of his right side. “Sorry,” he mumbled, lips still sticking together from disuse.

 

Zaeed brought him a glass of water, holding it to his lips while he took a slow drink. Once his head was nestled back into the pillow, he caught the merc's eyes again. “How long was I out?”

 

“Seventy two bloody hours.”

 

“Please tell me you haven't been sitting here the whole damn time.”

 

“Sometimes I went to take a piss,” Massani said with a grin.

 

Gabe wasn't entirely sure how he felt about that. Something had been growing in the back of his mind for weeks. Since Horizon. Something that Shepard had no intention of studying. Even now, the only thought he could muster on the subject was that his fling with Massani was no longer a secret. There would be no other explanation for the merc spending so much time at his sick bed, and the crew wasn't stupid, even if they'd all willingly chosen to work for Cerberus. Shepard sighed.

 

“Miranda seemed pissed that I wouldn't leave your side,” Zaeed went on. “Probably jealousy if you ask me. Joker nearly shit himself, but Vakarian didn't even bat an eye. Do turians even have eyelids?”

 

“Hell if I know,” Gabe muttered. “I really don't give a shit, either. And I'm sure Miranda's not jealous. Probably more like pissed that I'm laid up here in the first damn place.”

 

“I hear your Illusive Man's put out.”

 

Shepard cracked a grin. “Fuck the Illusive Man.”

 

“Trying to make me jealous?”

 

“You don't strike me as the jealous type, Massani.”

 

“How are you feeling?” he asked to change the subject.

 

“Like I was taken out by a fucking gunship. Where's Chakwas? I need to get out of this damned bed.”

 

“She's not going to let you go anywhere, Shepard.”

 

“We'll just see about that.”

 

Zaeed scowled at him. “You are so goddamn stubborn.”

 

“I have shit to do, Massani.”

 

“Gabe, you nearly died.”

 

Shepard eyed the merc with suspicion, an uncomfortable spasm constricting his chest. The concern in the man's voice inflamed the itch under his skin until he felt ready to crawl right out of it. At the same time, something deep within reached for it, ready to wrap it around him like a comforting touch. Shepard couldn't be sure which emotion he should chase. Instead of dwelling on it, he closed himself off from it, fortifying the walls erected to keep such feelings at bay. He heard Massani's sigh when he turned his face away.

 

“I'm glad you're alright anyway,” Zaeed said. “I'll go find the doc.”

 

No one had ever sat at Gabe's bedside before. He'd never really been sick as a child. Never suffered serious injury. By the time he'd had his first hospital stay, his mother had been long dead, and no one else had ever cared enough to wait for him to get better. Shepard clenched and relaxed the fists at his side, bunching the sheet up in his hands to occupy them.

 

Desire shot through him. Not for physical contact or anything sexual, but merely for Zaeed's presence. It took him by surprise. The truth was, waking up to Massani's face had brought a peaceful sort of feeling that was as unnerving as it was calming. The inescapable thought that this wasn't the way things were supposed to go crept through him. Attachment was a foreign concept, a forbidden thought that didn't belong in his mind. No matter how loudly some part of him begged for it – craved it even.

 

Love and meaningful relationships were for other people, not for Gabriel Shepard.

 

The thoughts volleyed back and forth in his head, driving him insane. Familiarity beckoned him on one side – the bizarre comfort of being alone. At the same time, there was something so compelling about the idea of having someone in his life to lean on, to make sure he never had to be alone. Round and round his brain went until the reassuring fury that followed him everywhere he went began to well within him once more.

 

Chakwas finally arrived, giving Shepard someone to argue with other than himself. The next few minutes went down like a business negotiation. The doctor would let him return to his room to sleep at night so long as he was back in the medbay by zero eight hundred to serve his time in the bone regenerator. She would also install the heavy bone and muscle weaves that he'd purchased and then refused to take the time needed to integrate into his technologically enhanced body.

 

By the time they were done, exhaustion had begun taking hold of him once more. Though Chakwas strictly forbade any strenuous activity, Zaeed escorted the Commander to his room under the guise of helping him. As soon as they stepped out of the elevator on deck one, Zaeed lifted Gabe off his feet and carried him to the bed. Shepard spared the energy to scowl, but not enough to protest. His body ached, and he could barely hold his eyes open.

 

He didn't even have the strength to argue when Zaeed stripped them both down then crawled into the bed with him. His last conscious memory was of a warm pair of lips against the nape of his neck and the murmured words, “Get some sleep, Shepard.”

 

**

 

Waking alone was both a relief and a disappointment. Trying to sort out his feelings had become an exercise in aggravation, however, so he didn't bother. His head was pounding, reminiscent of a hangover, but his body hurt too much to do anything about it. He needed to piss, but the bathroom was all the way on the other side of the room. Just thinking about the effort it would take to get there made him groan. Instead, he lay flat on his back and stared through the viewport in the ceiling, seeing only the inside of the Citadel bay the ship was docked in.

 

When the door opened, he didn't bother looking up to see who it was. Somehow, he just sensed that it was Massani. The smell of food, roused him enough to lift his head, and he couldn't help grinning at the sight of Zaeed with two takeout containers and two cups of coffee.

 

Zaeed helped him to the bathroom, but made no move to give him some privacy. “You planning to hold it for me?” Shepard asked with a frown, which deepened into a full blown scowl when the merc laughed at him and backed slowly out of the bathroom.

 

He couldn't get back to the couch without Massani's help, which pissed him off to no end, but he was very grateful for the takeout breakfast the man had gone to pick up for them. “Figured there was no need to add insult to injury,” Zaeed told him.

 

The merc filled him in on what had gone on the last couple of days while they ate their breakfast. Afterward Zaeed helped him shower, which would have been just another foray into irritation if the man hadn't also jerked him off while they were in there. Gabe returned the favor, and by the time he got to the medbay, he was more than ready to nap while his leg remained immobilized in the bone regenerator.

 

Gabe barely had time to register Zaeed's kiss to the cheek before sleep claimed him. He awoke several hours later – leg still paralyzed by the machine it was in. Dr. Chakwas looked up from her charts when she realized he was conscious again, and brought him a datapad. “Zaeed left this to keep you entertained. I was honestly afraid to see what was on it.”

 

Shepard chuckled as he accepted the datapad. Flipping through it, he rolled his eyes. There were several magazine subscriptions – including multiple porn mags, Badass Weekly, Guns and Ammo, and Soldier of Fortune. He read the articles that interested him, noting that it had literally been years since he'd done anything so frivolous as read magazine articles. He even took the time to gape at some of the more stimulating photos in the porn mags.  _ Holy shit! Miss October had some huge tits! _

 

He quickly bored of the reading material, however, and was soon left with nothing to do but stare into space. And think.

 

Thinking was never a good idea.

 

He thought about Lily – something he hadn't allowed himself to do for more than a decade. He wondered what had ever become of her. Where had she moved to? Was she married with two point three kids and a dog now? Did she ever think about him?  _ Probably not _ , he thought with a bitter laugh. Had he loved her? Maybe. He'd only been sixteen when his father had made sure she could never have loved him back, and less than six months after Lily and her family had left Mindoir, the batarians had arrived, destroying the last precious thing Shepard had.

 

He thought about his mother. Hannah Shepard been a beautiful woman with blonde hair and dark, chocolate eyes. Gabe looked a lot like her, with the exception of his hair and eye color. Hannah had met Daniel Shepard when she was waiting tables in Vancouver, and he'd swept her off her feet. They'd fallen in love, and she'd ended up pregnant. It wasn't until after they were married and baby Gabriel had been born that she realized her mistake.

 

Daniel Shepard was a dead beat and a drunk with a short temper and a hard fist. When he lost his job at the Alliance shipyard in Vancouver, he'd moved them to Mindoir, promising them a better life. That better life had consisted of Daniel's continued drunkenness and increased violence toward his wife and son, and Hannah having to work her fingers to the bone for one of the larger landowners in the colony while her husband screwed around with anyone who would have him.

 

Her favorite color had been pink, and her favorite dessert raspberry sherbet – which Gabe still couldn't eat to this day because it made his heart hurt with longing. She loved to dance and laugh. Her favorite song was an ancient jazz tune by a man named Frank Sinatra – Fly Me to the Moon. Romance novels, especially of the variety that consisted of a knight in shining armor coming to whisk his one true love away from her life of turmoil, were her favorite source of entertainment. Gabe always suspected she would have left if not for him, though he'd never understood why she thought he, himself, wanted to stay with his father.

 

For all that Hannah was light and fun and full of life, her husband was mean and hard and full of malice. He'd never understood how the two of them had ended up together. He wondered what his mother would think of him now. Would she be proud of the man he'd become? Probably not. His mother believed in love and its power, and Gabe despised the very idea of it. Love hurt too much. Cost too fucking much. Look at how his own mother had suffered for it. And what was her reward for putting up with a drunken lout of a husband for sixteen years? Being raped and murdered by a pack of lowlife monsters.

 

Gabe remembered how he'd charged into the bunker on Torfan. Regardless of what everyone thought, he hadn't sent his squad in alone. Major Kyle had seen it that way, but that coward had been hiding out at the ground assault vehicle, too fucking scared to make a move on the base. Shepard had taken over the mission, and he'd ended Kyle and his biotic crazies on Presrop a few years ago.

 

He'd found a sadistic satisfaction in gutting those batarian bastards on Torfan. Let them call him the Butcher. It was a badge he wore with honor. Maybe those weren't the same people who'd killed his mother, but in his mind, their whole race was responsible. As long as their society as a whole condoned slavery, more mothers would die ruthlessly at their hands, and Shepard would never hesitate to kill any batarian who was dumb enough to cross his path. He'd proven that over and over, including killing Balak on the asteroid over Terra Nova.

 

Thinking eventually led to Massani and just what in the actual fuck was going on with them. What had started out as nothing more than lust was turning into something that Gabe was entirely unfamiliar with, but it wasn't entirely unwelcome anymore. Truth was it made him feel good that the old man had worried about him, had sat by his sick bed, was taking care of him. It had been so long since anyone had cared enough to worry about him – not for his own sake, at least.

 

He'd told Massani just a few short days ago that he didn't want there to be anything more between them than sex, and he'd meant it. Somehow his heart hadn't quite gotten the memo. He didn't want this. Did not under any circumstance want this warm, fluttery feeling in his chest that he'd gotten when Zaeed brought him breakfast this morning or again when the man had kissed him on the cheek before leaving to start his day.

 

By the time Chakwas came to release him from his prison his brow was deeply furrowed, and he felt like he needed to shoot something. Before he could hobble to the door of the med-bay on the cane that Chakwas had given him for just such a purpose, Massani showed back up to escort him up to the captain's cabin. Gabe started to tell him to fuck off, but it was so much easier to walk leaned against the mercenary than it was on that damned cane that he decided to let the man take him to his room.

 

To his surprise, Zaeed had brought dinner – steaks even – and beer, and a duffel bag sat in the floor by his desk. Surely the man didn't think he was moving in, did he? “Something I should know, Massani?” he asked gesturing at the bag.

 

“I was running late and decided to drop it there till I can take it back to my room downstairs,” he said. “Don't worry, Shepard. I haven't forgotten that you're fucking afraid of goddamn feelings or commitment.” Zaeed laughed and then deposited him on the couch as Shepard frowned.

 

Gabe didn't say anything else, just took the proffered beer and cracked it open, downing a generous swallow. “Wish I could get the fuck out of here for awhile,” he said around a mouthful of the steak Zaeed had brought him. “Thanks for this by the way. You... didn't have to do it.”

 

“Figured it would be fucking rude to eat a steak in front of you while you ate an MRE or whatever.”

 

Shepard didn't believe that for a second, and his look told the mercenary so. He didn't press the matter, however, just continued to enjoy his food in silence, wishing he knew how to get a handle on all these damned  _ feelings _ .

 

“We could go to my apartment,” Zaeed said after so much time had lapsed that Shepard had forgotten that he'd said anything.

 

“You have an apartment here?”

“Yeah. Gotta fucking live somewhere.”

 

They'd fucked a lot over the weeks since Zaeed had joined this crew, but last night was the first time they'd spent the night together. It was new territory. As a general rule, Gabe liked to fuck 'em and leave 'em. Falling asleep with someone meant vulnerability and the potential to get in over your head. He was quiet for so long that Zaeed had obviously given up on him answering when Gabe finally looked at him and said, “Yeah. Okay.”

 

Massani quirked an eyebrow at him but didn't say anything, just stood and gathered their dishes and disappeared for twenty minutes or so. When he returned, he tossed a packet of medicine at Gabe. “From Chakwas. Said to take it before you go to sleep tonight. Need to pack a bag?”

 

Shepard grabbed his cane and hoisted himself off the couch. He tossed a pair of sweatpants and underwear on the bed along with socks, a t-shirt, and a pair of jeans. He pulled out a bag and carelessly stuffed the items in it. “Could you grab my toothbrush?” he asked the merc.

 

Zaeed wordlessly did as he was asked and handed it to Shepard, who shoved it into the bag. Without another word, Gabe shouldered his bag and made for the elevator. It was slow going, but something had happened between leaving the medbay and making the decision to spend the night with Zaeed that had Shepard refusing to let the man help him even in the slightest. The merc didn't say a word, simply let Shepard continue on at his own pace. They made it to the taxi stand, and by the time they pulled up in front of Zaeed's apartment building, exhaustion had started settling into the Commander's features.

 

Shepard didn't ask, and Massani didn't care. He came around to Gabe's side of the car and helped him out. The younger man scowled at him as usual, but relented and let the merc practically drag him into the house. Gabe sat heavily into the nearest chair, already regretting the decision to leave the Normandy. Not so much because he didn't want to spend the night with Zaeed, but because it made him realize just exactly how unfit for duty he actually was.

 

“The hell is in this packet from Chakwas? Painkillers?”

 

“Think so,” Massani said, “Plus some sort of regeneration stim or some shit. Supposed to make you feel better and help you heal faster.”

 

“I'm taking it now then,” Gabe said, inserting it into his omni-tool and releasing the medicine into his bloodstream. “Nice place,” he said looking around. The apartment was small but tidy. Plenty for one or maybe two men. Especially a man who was rarely home.

 

“Thanks. My roommate isn't here right now. We almost never cross paths anymore unless we plan it.” He grabbed a beer out of the fridge and offered one to Shepard.

 

“Your roommate?”

 

“Steven Hackett.”

 

“You're fucking kidding me!  _ Admiral _ Steven Hackett?”

 

Zaeed shrugged. “Known him for years. We both needed a place to crash when we were on station, but neither of us wanted to pay the kind of prices they charge here on the Citadel. We decided to go in together. Both of us are here so rarely that it usually doesn't cause a problem.”

 

Gabe sipped on his beer and continued looking around the room. There were no photographs or anything that might be considered a personal effect. There was the brown couch, typical of something you'd see on the Citadel, with a large vid screen in front of it, and a bookshelf full of books and vids across from the chair he was sitting in. The dining table was behind him, and the kitchen was on the other side of it. Directly behind the couch was a hallway that Shepard assumed led to the bedrooms. “Can I smoke in here?”

 

“Sure.” Zaeed tossed him his pack to keep Gabe from having to fool with digging his out, and Shepard lit one, leaning his head on the back of the chair.

 

“What did you do today?”

 

“Had a bounty to complete here on the station,” Zaeed said, grinning when Shepard cut his eyes toward him. “Got a goddamn reputation to uphold, Shepard, even if I don't need the creds right this minute. Then I came back here to grab a few things to take with me when we ship out again. Picked up dinner and came to see you. That about sums it up. You?”

 

Shepard sighed. “Nothing. Just did... some thinking.”

 

“About?”

 

“Lily. My mom and dad. Torfan.... you.” Gabe didn't look at the man, just stared up at the ceiling as he puffed away on his cigarette. He didn't notice that Zaeed had moved across the room until he was standing directly behind him and leaning into his line of sight.

 

“What about me?”

 

Gabe blinked up at him. “I was thinking about you sucking my cock,” he lied.

 

The older man's grin turned feral, and he moved around to stand in front of Shepard. “You first,” he said.

 

Grinning, Shepard snuffed out his cigarette. “Why don't you take me to bed?” 


	6. Chapter 6

Bacon.

 

Shepard smelled real, honest to god bacon. From a pig. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had meat from an actual animal rather than vat-grown.It may have been while he was still on Mindoir. Smiling, Gabe stretched, muscles just as sore from injury as they were from him and Zaeed fucking around the night before. When it finally registered that he wasn't alone in the bed, he froze, body going rigid. “Zaeed?”

 

“ Mm?”

 

_ Fuck! Hackett! _ Panic sent his heart racing as he wondered how the hell to get out of this situation. He damn sure couldn't afford to be arrested by the Alliance. There was still too much work to be done. The Council and the Alliance may not have wanted to accept it, but Shepard, with Cerberus’ help, was the only one in the whole damn galaxy who was actually doing anything about the fucking Collectors and Reapers. While those stodgy assholes sat in their cushy offices day in and day out, humans were being abducted, possibly murdered, by the thousands. The fucking Alliance could only be bothered to send one – ONE – soldier to Horizon to try and help, and that was only because the Illusive Man had left them a trail of breadcrumbs to get to Shepard.  _ Fucking bastard! _

 

There was no way he was going back. Not yet.

 

He jabbed Massani with his elbow until the man began to stir. “Go back to sleep, Gabe,” the man mumbled.

 

“ Someone's here,” Shepard hissed.

 

“ Probably Steven. Go the fuck back to sleep.” The mercenary wrapped his arms more tightly around the soldier, nuzzling his neck as he pulled him closer.

 

Shepard growled in annoyance. “Zaeed, I'm a wanted man!”

 

“ Heh, yeah you are.”

 

“ Oh for fucks- Seriously? I have to go.” He fought against the arms that pinned him down until he was breathless. When Zaeed finally relented, Shepard bolted from the bed as if the thing were on fire and began scrambling around for his clothes, muttering curses under his breath the entire time.

 

Massani finally cracked an eye open, watching the man limp around his room in agitation. “Where the fuck are you going?”

 

Shepard stopped, leaning heavily on his cane, and ran a hand over his buzzed hair. “Fuck! My boots are in the other room.”

 

“ What are you on about?”

 

“ Your roommate? Admiral Hackett? Remember him? Thinks I'm a terrorist? Wants to arrest me? This is hands down the  _ dumbest _ fucking thing I've ever done.” Shepard stopped to wave a finger at Zaeed, cursing before resuming his frantic rambling. “And that includes that idiotic rabbit's foot tattoo that I let my buddy Jorge talk me into one time.” There was at least one small silver lining to dying and having all his skin replaced.

 

“ Steven's not going to arrest you, you stubborn ass, now come on back to bed. There's plenty of time before you have to go back to the ship. Let's spend it doing something more fun than worrying about Hackett.”

 

Gabe ignored him, eventually finding all his things and stuffing them back into his bag.

 

“ You're walking better,” Zaeed observed, propping himself against the headboard and lighting a cigarette. Shepard averted his eyes from the man's shirtless chest and the line of purple bite marks beneath his collarbone. He acknowledged the man's comment with a grunt, fingers curling around the handle of the cane he was forced to use, but still didn't settle down. “Want me to sneak you out the goddamn window?”

 

“ I would say yes, but my fucking boots are in the other fucking room!” Shepard growled and looked helplessly around the room again. “Tonight we're staying in my cabin,” he hissed, turning toward the door before he could see Zaeed's warm smile. “I have to go. The less time I spend in Admiral Hackett's goddamn house, the brighter my future will look. You can come with me or stay, I really don't give a shit.”

 

The merc cursed when Shepard opened the door and took off like a scared pyjak. He was still pulling a tank top over his head when he caught up with Shepard in the kitchen. “Steven, would you please tell this arsehole that you aren't going to arrest him?”

 

Admiral Steven Hackett stood at the stove in his boxers frying bacon. Glancing up, a look of surprise lit his face. “Shepard? What the hell are you doing here?” Gabe saw the light click a second later as the Admiral figured out what was going on. “Relax Shepard,” Hackett said. “We're all friends in this house. Have some bacon.” He nudged the plate, and Shepard cast a wary glance between the Admiral and his lover before finally sighing and easing himself onto a stool at the counter.

 

“ I told you,” Zaeed crowed. “You worry too goddamn much.” The merc pecked him on the lips and headed down the hallway. “Gotta take a piss.”

 

“ Thanks for sharing,” Shepard called after him, then glanced around the room, uneasy with his current circumstances.

 

“ Eat, Shepard,” Hackett ordered, and Gabe complied. “Coffee?”

 

Shepard shrugged, and the Admiral poured him a cup, sliding it across the counter toward him. “Mind if I smoke?” Hackett made a noise that Shepard took as permission, and he fished his pack out of his pocket to light one. An awkward silence descended on them, but before he could say anything else, Ashley Williams popped around the corner in nothing but a t-shirt and panties, freezing in place when her eyes landed on Shepard.

 

She croaked his name, face going red in an instant, and Gabe held her eyes with a steady stare. “In the flesh.” Wordlessly, she fled the room, and Shepard focused his attention on his coffee.

 

“ What happened to you?” Hackett asked him, pretending like Operations Chief Williams had not just come out of his bedroom in her underwear.

 

“ I'm assuming you mean the cane, and not the whole dying and being resurrected thing.”

 

Hackett chuckled, “Yes.”

 

“ Ended up on the wrong side of a gun ship a few days ago. Sprayed the whole right side of my body. Shattered my femur. Punctured my lung. Should be back in action by next week.” He leaned his elbows on the counter and took a sip of his coffee.

 

“ Of course you should,” the admiral said wryly. “Injury like that would keep any other soldier down for months. You? You get yourself killed and still keep fighting. Never known anyone like you Shepard.”

 

Gabe scoffed, “Don't forget the part where I get canned by my employers and end up working for fucking terrorists.”

 

“ How's your mission going?” The question was a surprise. He hadn't honestly expected Hackett to bring it up. Maybe the Admiral was just digging for information to hang Shepard with later. Who knew? With a sigh, Shepard finally conceded that the mission was going well. “You know it's for your own good, right?”

 

“ What is?” Shepard asked.

 

“ Keeping you away from the Alliance. There's protocol and procedure that have to be followed, Shepard. The brass can't just take your word for it and put your ass back to work.”

 

“ Why the fuck not? You don't seem to doubt who I claim to be.”

 

“ I don't doubt it for a minute, but I'm just one voice. If you go back to the Alliance now, the colonies will all be abducted, and the reapers will win. We need your ass out there fighting this threat, not sitting in a hospital on Earth undergoing months of psych evals. Stop being a fucking baby about it and just get the damn job done.”

 

Shepard was stunned speechless. The possibility that Anderson and Hackett both believed him and had pushed him away upon his return so that he could do what needed to be done had never occurred to him. He just assumed that he was being hung out to dry – left with no other options. “Yes, Sir,” he said at last.

 

Massani and Williams returned at the same time. Another wretched silence ensued as Zaeed took the stool next to Shepard, and Ashley fidgeted beside Hackett. “Well, this is fun,” the merc drawled before popping a piece of bacon into his mouth.

 

“ Massani,” Hackett began in an attempt to lighten the mood, “haven't seen or heard from you in awhile. Until I came in and saw boots in the living room, I was beginning to wonder if you were dead.” Zaeed scoffed but didn't comment. “When did this happen?” The admiral gestured between the two men across from him.

 

“ Shepard recruited me for his mission a few months ago and started fucking me a couple weeks after that.”

 

Gabe flipped him off.

 

The weirdness of the situation dissipated slightly during their meal, though Shepard and Williams steadfastly ignored each other the entire time – a fact that did not go unnoticed by Hackett. Eventually Shepard fell into the comfortable rhythm of old soldiers swapping stories.

 

“ Shit, okay, so,” he started with a laugh. “During boot camp, we'd get our showers at night and sleep in our PT gear so we could roll out at zero four hundred and be ready to go, right? So this guy, Sherman, was always getting fucking busted for some dumbass shit or another. He got extra KP one night - I don't even remember why – but when he came in that night, he just stripped off ass naked and fell in the bed and went to sleep. Our DI was this real hardass named Monday-”

 

“ I know him,” Hackett interjected with a grin, one Shepard returned.

 

“ So Monday comes in the barracks the next morning banging on a metal garbage can, then he throws it down the center row, screaming for us to get the hell up, 'Alright you hogs! Get your asses up and into gear!' just like he did every damn morning. So we're all scrambling outta bed, lining up down the center row. Monday is walking between us, scowling and shouting about what we're going to be doing this morning.

 

“ Now, I’m Shepard, naturally Sherman is next to me. So Monday passes in front of me, 'Today hogs we're gonna... What the  _ fuck _ Sherman?' He stops and whips his head around to look at Sherman. I'm trying so hard to see what the hell is going on without turning  _ my _ head, and the next thing I know, Monday is in Sherman's face screaming. 'Sherman where the fuck are your clothes?' That idiot, Sherman, is trying to stammer out some excuse as to why he's standing there at roll call with his dick hanging out, and Monday stops him, 'On the floor Sherman! You're gonna give me fifty push-ups for every inch of cock I see hanging out there!'”

 

He stops to wipe the tears from his eyes, still laughing with the memory. Hackett and Massani were laughing with him, and even Williams seemed amused by his story. “Now, I'd seen Sherman in the shower before,” Shepard went on. “His dick was fucking  _ huge _ ! I swear. Every bit of six inches just hanging there. Had to have been over ten when it was hard. We didn't see Sherman for the rest of that day!”

 

“ I bet he never forgot to put his PT clothes on at night again,” Hackett said, still chuckling.

 

“ Nope!”

 

The stories wound down as it got closer to time for Shepard to return to the med-bay, and he and Zaeed offered to clean the breakfast dishes while Hackett and Williams excused themselves to go shower. “Why do I get the feeling you know exactly how long Sherman's dick was when it was hard?” Zaeed asked with a gleam in his eye. Shepard simply winked at him with a smug smile and set to work washing the dishes.

 

Zaeed laughed quietly, shaking his head, drying the dishes and setting them back in the cupboards when he was done. Silence descended, and as always in moments like these, Gabe retreated into his thoughts. A strange tranquility settled over him as he realized exactly how domestic his current situation was. The last time he'd felt anything like it had been with his mother.

 

Just days before she'd died, she'd called him to help her in the kitchen. Their meals were always simple fare. Since his father refused to work, their income was limited, and Hannah was forced to make do the best she could. Gabe only hated his father more, seeing how hard she worked to make him happy, knowing that it was useless. Daniel Shepard was the sort of man who refused to be happy no matter how good he had it.

 

He and his mother had stood side by side, just like this, Gabe chopping vegetables while Hannah prepared some sort of grain for their dinner. She always asked him about school and what was going on in his life, about friends he didn't have, about his dreams and aspirations. At the time, his only aspiration had been to get the hell off Mindoir via a one way ticket; to put as much distance between himself and Daniel Shepard as physically possible. Looking back, he realized just how selfish it had been that he hadn't even considered taking his mother with him.

 

A sadness that he hadn't allowed himself to feel in ages rippled through him. Usually, memories of his mother were accompanied by bitter anger, but today there was just a fond craving for her presence.

 

Zaeed sidled closer, brushing a hand over the back of Gabe's neck before reaching out to collect the latest clean dish. He began chatting aimlessly, and the longer it went on, the more relaxed Gabe felt until he was grinning without even realizing it.

 

“ You're in a good goddamn mood this morning,” Zaeed murmured close to his ear, wrapping his arms around Shepard's waist. His fingers slipped under the hem of Gabe’s shirt to toy with the little trail of hair that descended from his belly button. “What're you over here thinking about?”

 

“ Nothing,” Shepard said gruffly, continuing with his task and trying to ignore the tingling in his chest.

 

“ Bullshit! You're thinking you kinda like all this homey shit, right?”

 

Gabe shrugged the man off him with a scowl. “Fuck off! Don't be an asshole,” he growled. “We can fuck all you want, but emotions and shit... that's... it's going to take time.... and that's the best you're getting from me.”

 

“ Then I'll bloody well take it.” Zaeed turned Shepard to face him, holding his gaze and cupping his cheeks between his hands. He brushed their lips together softly, then pulled back, whispering, “You don't have to hide from me, Gabe.”

 

Shepard tried to get away, but Zaeed held him in place, kissing him again and again. His resistance snapped, and Gabe pulled the older man into his arms, holding him close and deepening the kiss. His heart ached with an impossible yearning to be closer to the man, to somehow meld their bodies into one, and it equally scared and enthralled him. Pushing forward, he pinned Zaeed against the counter, pressing his advantage, grinning against soft lips when the merc moaned.

 

A quiet cough from behind had them springing apart, and Shepard looked up to see Ashley watching them with a quirked brow and the hint of a smirk on her lips. He turned back toward the sink cursing under his breath. “Got a problem, sweetheart?” he heard Zaeed saying. Then to Shepard he said, “You know, Gabe, I've been thinking. Why in the hell don't you have any tattoos? You seem to love mine.”

 

He glanced at his lover and decided to pretend that Ash wasn't in the room, “I used to have a bunch.”

 

“ Well maybe it's time you started a new collection.”

 

“ I'm not getting your fucking name tattooed on me, Massani. You can forget it.” He tossed the dishrag into the sink and started toward the couch to grab his boots.

 

“ No, I have a great goddamn idea for one. 'Massani was here,' right on your ass!”

 

“ Go to hell,” Shepard said with a laugh, giving the merc a shove.

 

“ Go sit your ass down,” Zaeed laughed. “I'll be ready to go in a minute.”

 

“ What happened to you?” Ashley asked quietly.

 

Shepard took a moment to light a cigarette, inhaling and exhaling rapidly before explaining his injuries. “Should be all healed up in a few more days. Doc has some new high tech equipment in the medbay.”

 

“ I'm sorry... about Horizon.”

 

Shepard looked at her and shrugged. “It was nothing.”

 

“ So I figured,” she huffed. “Didn't know you were bisexual, Shepard.”

 

“ Would it have made a difference?” He went on when she shook her head, “For the life of me I can't imagine what I might have said or done to give you the impression that I was in love with you. I don't make promises in the heat of the moment. Hell... I don't make  _ promises _ , period. I  _ am _ sorry that you misunderstood the nature of our arrangement, though. I thought we were on the same page.”

 

“ Yeah, me too. Anyway, I've got to get going. Anderson has a new assignment for me.”

 

“ See you around, Williams.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the story that Shepard shares is a true story, told to me by a friend and written down almost verbatim. My friend is a US Army vet and played the role of Shepard in this story. I thought it was hilarious and just had to include it in the fic! :) 
> 
> And I hope you don't hate the Ashley/Hackett thing. A rare pair to be sure. They don't make too many more appearances in the story though. :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zaeed convinced Gabe to go on a date with him.

“ We're on shore leave, Shepard. Let me take you on a damn date.”

 

“ A  _ date _ ?”

 

“ Yes, a fucking date. You know, dinner and drinks, and ending up in your bed, fucking each others brains out?”

 

“ Well, I like the sound of that last part anyway,” Gabe said with a lecherous smile. Zaeed thumped him on the forehead. “Fine. A  _ date _ . What time are we doing this?”

 

“ Eighteen hundred hours. Wear that suit of yours,” he winked and left the room.

 

The bone regenerator worked miracles on his leg. In the last two days he'd gone from relying heavily on either the cane or Massani to get from point A to point B, to now being able to move freely with just a limp. The soreness in his shoulder still grated on his nerves, but he'd regained almost full range of motion. Chakwas removed the bandages from the rest of his bullet wounds, leaving him with angry red scars, like a series of polka dots down his right side. Shepard's fingers lightly traced a pattern between them as he watched his reflection in the mirror and sighed. He'd just finished his last corrective surgery for the cybernetic scars when he'd gone with Kasumi and nearly gotten himself killed again.

 

Shutting his eyes to his damaged body, he stepped into the shower, letting the hot water rinse away the nagging worry that inevitably morphed into roiling fury whenever he let himself dwell on something for too long. Refusing to let himself be daunted by the prospect of going on a date –  _ just a stupid, fucking date, Gabe _ – he concentrated on readying himself. An odd mixture of anticipation and dread shivered through him, but he focused on the monotony of shaving and getting dressed, letting his mind wander toward less dangerous topics instead.

 

While there was no way in hell he would ever get Massani's name tattooed on him anywhere, much less on his ass, he decided that Zaeed was right in one aspect – he wanted to get some of his tattoos replaced, and start adding new ones. He was in a unique position, starting with a blank slate in his early thirties. Besides the unfortunate rabbit's foot, he was also free of the name “Frank” - a drunk marine that he'd picked up in a bar in Rio once upon a time. Neither the rabbit's foot nor Frank's name would be replaced.

 

Zaeed was waiting for him at the airlock at eighteen hundred on the dot. “Damn I love you in a suit,” the merc murmured, while Gabe smirked.

 

“ You clean up pretty well yourself, Massani,” Shepard said, giving the man the once over.

 

Zaeed wore dark jeans, a white button down, and a black blazer. They strolled through the Presidium, ignoring the looks they got from the crowds. Shepard supposed they were a strange sight – two scarred and scowling soldiers in suits, stalking their way toward the restaurant. Gabe shot the merc a wary look when he held the door open for him to pass, but didn't argue. Making their way to the bar, they each ordered a scotch while waiting for their table.

 

“ So, this isn't fucking horrible, right?”

 

Shepard gave him a lopsided grin. “Not  _ too _ fucking horrible, no. Is this how the other half lives?” he asked, taking a sip of his scotch.

 

“ You mean the half that's not scared shitless when it finds itself falling for someone? Yes. This is what normal goddamn couples do, Gabe.”

 

“ We're a couple?” Gabe asked flatly.

 

“ Yeah... we are. Fucking deal with it,” Zaeed snapped.

 

“ And if I don't want to be a couple?”

 

“ You do; you just don't fucking know it yet.”

 

“ Hard to argue with that, I guess,” Shepard muttered, rolling his eyes. Another new emotion fluttered through his heart, and he was forced to look away from the merc. “Sorry I'm being a pain in the ass,” he whispered, running his finger around the rim of his glass.

 

Massani hid his grin behind his tumbler, “So far I think you're worth it.”

 

They chatted until they were called to their table. Shepard balked when Zaeed tried to hold his hand, but took a deep breath and let it happen. He hadn't done anything so innocuous as holding hands with someone since he'd dated Lily. It occurred to him that he was being stubborn and childish. _ Normal _ people let themselves become emotionally attached to others.  _ Normal  _ people let themselves fall in love.  _ Normal _ people went on dates and held hands. It was just that Gabe hadn't ever felt  _ normal _ a day in his life.

 

While other kids were worrying about their weekend plans, Gabe had worried about staying out of Daniel Shepard's sight, out of the way of his fists. While other kids had friends and dated, Gabe kept mostly to himself. Lily had been his only friend back then, seeing something deserving of love in the sullen teen that no one else could. Their relationship had consisted of taking walks through the woods, talking about anything and everything, until one day they realized they could kiss and touch each other instead. After that, most of their time together was spent in varying stages of undress. It had been his first taste of something new and exciting, something that left him feeling good instead of wretched. Honestly, neither of them had been able to get enough of each other.

 

They never had a proper date other than the one school dance they'd gone to together because his mother insisted that he should ask her. That had ended abruptly when someone made a snide remark about Lily's choice of date and wound up with Shepard's fist to his nose. Gabe had been escorted from the dance by security, and Lily had gone with him because she loved him. Or so she’d told him later that night, after he'd managed to convince her that she looked better out of the pretty dress than in it.

 

Had he told her he loved her back? He couldn't even remember. It was only a few weeks later that his father had ruined everything. Could it be possible that school dance had been the only date he'd ever gone on in his life?

 

Shaking off the memories of the past, he gave his full attention to the story Massani was relaying. That voice still did things to him that were impolite to talk about in public. Suddenly he very much wished that they'd stayed in! Forcing the feelings away, he told Zaeed of his plans to start replacing some of his tattoos, and the merc promised to take him for the first one after dinner.

 

“ It's not going to be your fucking name.” Gabe scowled. “The first one's going to be for my mom,” he said quietly. When Zaeed reached across the table and took his hand, Shepard didn't pull away.

 

Their food arrived, and with the combined effects of the alcohol, good food, and Zaeed's company, Gabe relaxed and found that he was enjoying himself immensely. As their meal wound down, Shepard placed his hand on Massani's thigh under the table. The merc ignored it until the Commander began tracing a twirling pattern up his leg, sweeping closer and closer to his dick with every pass.

 

Zaeed eyed him, taking note of the careful way Gabe avoided looking at him. A wide smirk split the younger man's face as he sipped his drink with feigned nonchalance. Leaning closer, the merc spoke quietly, “Why don't we get the hell out of here?”

 

“ Hmm... I'm thinking I might like to have some dessert first,” Shepard said with a teasing lilt.

 

“ Your  _ dessert _ is waiting in your goddamn bed,” Zaeed growled.

 

“ And  _ yours _ is waiting between my legs, but... I want something chocolaty to take with me so I can lick it off you.” Without sparing a glance toward his lover, Shepard flagged down the waitress, succeeding in making the poor girl blush when he asked for “Extra fudge sauce... to go,” and gave her a wink.

 

Blue eyes simmered with lust when they met Zaeed's, and the merc swallowed sharply. “Goddamn pervy bastard,” he muttered while Shepard laughed.

 

Smoldering looks were exchanged while they waited, trying to reign in their excitement until they were at least out the door. The waitress tried to avoid looking at them as she delivered the dessert and scurried away, and they left the restaurant, heading for the nearest tattoo parlor. 

 

Shepard’s first choice for his new ink collection was a black heart on his upper right arm, with “mom” in relief in the center. Hannah Shepard’s name lined the curves at the top while her birth and death dates were scrawled down the sides to where the heart came to a point. While there, the artist sketched the concept for the sleeve Shepard wanted on his left arm - flowers and leaves wrapped in thorns and chains starting at his shoulder and ending on his middle finger. He’d go back every day of shore leave until it was finished. 

 

The rest of the trip to the Normandy was spent in yanking each other into darkened alleyways and making out like horny teens until they finally stumbled into the captain's cabin. Zaeed tried to force Shepard over the desk to fuck him again like he had before the mission to Bekenstein, but Gabe wasn't having it. Shoving the old man away, he marched him backward to the bed, throwing him down.

 

Shepard did a slow strip tease while the merc watched him with hooded eyes – eyes that widened when the Commander started stroking himself and moaning obscenely. Zaeed batted his hand away, and Gabe laughed, shoving him roughly down on the bed again. He worked quickly to divest the man of his clothing before grabbing his dessert. Starting at his chin, he drizzled a fine line of the fudge sauce in a zigzag pattern all the way down to the man's balls then got to work lapping it up, moving at a torturous pace, blue eyes never leaving the mismatched pair that stared at him in awe. 

 

Once the chocolate sauce was gone, Shepard focused on torturing his lover, slowly dragging his tongue up the vein on the underside of the man’s dick. Zaeed’s breath came in short gasps as Gabe licked across the head of his cock, savoring the contrast of salty pre-come and sticky, sweet chocolate. The tip slipped between his lips, drawing a shuddering moan from the older man, and Gabe took his time bringing his lover close to the brink before releasing him with a wet pop and a smug grin.

 

Tired of being tormented, Massani tackled Shepard back onto the bed and sucked him while he worked two lube-covered fingers into his hole. Gabe alternated between laughing and moaning as his lover fingered him, running his hands through the merc's graying hair all the while. Convinced the younger man was prepared, Zaeed lined himself up and pushed slowly inside, holding Gabe’s burning gaze.

 

Every touch, every kiss was gentle and deliberate as Zaeed rocked into him. Velvet lips caressed each other, and Gabe stared up at him, eyes drowning in a dizzying swirl of confusion and fear, lust and tenderness. Zaeed pulled back to study those sapphire eyes, and Gabe looked away, unable to face the depth of emotion that was reflected back to him.

 

The merc gripped his face and forced Shepard to look at him. “Don't hide from me, damn it! Feel this. Let yourself feel it, Gabe.”

 

A fractured sob rattled from Shepard’s chest. “I... Zaeed, I can't...”

 

“Shh... yes you can.” The older man continued his movements – languid and loving – slowly pumping into his lover. He placed soft kisses along the younger man's jaw and neck while his free hand moved to gently stroke the Commander's erection that was pinned between their sweaty, muscled bodies. Gabe groaned and let his head fall back, whispered curses flowing from between his lips. Massani smiled at him, loving the way he could undo this powerful man who could practically move mountains. “Come for me, Gabriel. Let me feel you.”

 

Shepard's lips chased his lover's until they found purchase. Fingernails dug painfully into the merc's muscular back as he held on tight, body going stiff as a board for the last, painful moment before bliss broke and poured over him like a tidal wave, spilling in ribbons between them. Massani followed, emptying himself inside his lover. 

 

Trembling fingers traced the scars on Zaeed’s cheek as their bodies quivered and cooled. “I’m scared,” he whispered.

 

“I know.” Zaeed brought their lips together briefly. “There's no shame in feeling fear, Shepard. You know that. It's what you do with it that proves whether or not you're a coward.”

 

“I want to show you something.”

 

“Anything.” 

 

Gabe pulled up his omni-tool as Zaeed shifted off him, propping himself on an elbow for a better view. The screen was filled with a holo of a beautiful woman - sandy blonde hair, chestnut eyes, and Gabe’s own thin, sharp nose. “My mother,” Gabe said quietly. “Hannah.”

 

“She was beautiful.”

 

“Yeah.” They watched a slideshow of pictures from Shepard's childhood. The only thing he had left of his family at all. There was one of him and Lily as they prepared to go to a school dance. Only one of Gabriel Shepard as a baby. Several of Hannah, and one of Gabe, around ten years old, with both his parents. He shut off the omni-tool and they lay in silence for awhile. Shepard sighed as Zaeed dragged his fingers gently up and down his torso. “It's just been me for so long now,” Shepard said quietly.

 

“But it doesn't have to stay that way, Gabe.” For all the merc’s gruffness, his voice was tender and kind, full of safety and something hopeful that Shepard never dared to let himself dream about before.

 

Shepard turned his head to catch Zaeed’s eyes. “I want you with me,” he said, simply.

 

“Then I'm here.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens...

After being subjected to the bone regenerator for the third day in a row, Chakwas declared Shepard's leg healed. She still wouldn't clear him for combat, however. Not until he'd undergone a few days of physical therapy for both leg and shoulder. She wanted a little more time for his lung to fully heal, too. While some part of him felt the need to argue, he not only knew it was fruitless; he was actually beginning to enjoy the time off with Zaeed. The fear that had plagued him for so long began to ebb away – a slow process, but progress was progress.

 

Shepard couldn't justify doing nothing, though. There were still reports to write, intel to pour over, messages to respond to. Honestly, if he never had to write another report as long as he lived, he could die a happy man. That wasn't the way life worked, unfortunately.

 

With a weary sigh, Gabe sat at his desk to begin the tedious paperwork – the constant thorn in his side. Messages were the easiest to dispense with, so he started there. The world seemed to come crashing down around him when he saw the first message.

 

_ From: Lily Tanner _

_ To: Gabriel Shepard _

 

_ Subject: I'd like to see you _

 

_ Gabe, _

 

_ I know it's been years since we've spoken or seen each other. Perhaps I've no right to still call you a friend, but I do. I would really like to see you. There is something you should know. _

 

_ Lily _

 

The words on the screen blurred as he read them over and over, unsure exactly what to do, or how to respond. Just a few days ago, Shepard would have had to face things like this alone, come to a decision on his own, but now he had someone else to lean on. A thought that was as terrifying as it was liberating. Closing the terminal down, he headed for the elevator.

 

Zaeed sat on a crate in starboard cargo sharpening his throwing knives. Gabe already knew it was something he did to calm himself – a sort of meditation. The rasping slide of the blade against the stone was strangely soothing, and Shepard took a deep breath, inhaling the oil and smoke scent that permeated the room. The essence of Zaeed tempered his anxiety, smoothing his fraying nerves.

 

The merc looked up from his task giving Shepard a small grin before setting to work again. “What's up?” he asked, as he carefully slid the blade against the stone.

 

Gabe pulled himself together, leaning against the wall with counterfeit indifference. His arms crossed over his chest in his typical relaxed posture, but the gesture did more to hide his trembling hands than anything else. “I got a message today...” his voice trailed away.

 

“From?” Zaeed stopped working to watch his lover, immediately sensing the man's agitation. Setting his tools aside, he crossed the room, cupping Shepard's face with his hands and kissing him. “Talk to me, Gabe.”

 

It was all Shepard could do to meet the man's eyes, but he remembered what Zaeed had said the night before – it's what you do with the fear that makes a man a coward. He'd be damned if he ever gave anyone reason to call him a coward. “It's from Lily. She wants to meet me.”

 

“Lily? Your girl from Mindoir?”

 

Shepard nodded, forcing himself to relax his posture. “I can't imagine why she'd want to see me after all these years... after what happened.”

 

“What did she say?”

 

“That she still considered me a friend. Wanted to see me. That there's something I should know.” He wouldn't admit how much that last thought made his heart hammer.

 

“So go see what she wants. What could it hurt?”

 

**

 

Lily Tanner looked exactly the same as she had the last time he'd seen her more than sixteen years before – the same dark skin, same ebony curls, the same hazel eyes that had filled his dreams and nightmares equally for more than a decade. The smile she gave him was dazzling, and he couldn't help but return it.

 

“Gabe,” she exclaimed, pulling him into a tight hug. Shepard returned the embrace awkwardly, then glanced around her lavish apartment as she guided him toward the sofa.

 

“Looks like you've done well for yourself,” he commented, taking note of the expensive furnishings and artwork.

 

“I work at the embassies,” she said with a shrug. “It pays well.”

 

She wasted no time diving into stories of where she'd been and what she'd been up to during the years of their separation. Gabe, likewise, told her about his life, Alliance training, and career, leaving out many of the sordid details that painted him in a bad light. For whatever reason, it was important that Lily think well of him. She'd been the first person, other than his mother, to ever truly care about him. That alone was deserving of Shepard's respect and concern for her.

 

However hard he tried to avoid talking about the things that were uncomfortable to him, Lily still knew – as she always had – exactly how to pry information out of him. “So,” she began, “tell me what's really going on. If the news vids and the rumor mill are to be believed, you've turned into nothing short of a monster.”

 

“Way to be blunt,” Shepard muttered, sighing and running a hand over his head. “The years have not been kind to me, Lily. I don't know what more you want me to say. I'm not a monster, though I have been told I'm a grade A asshole.”

 

Her laugh was light and melodic, “You've always been that.”

 

Shepard huffed, but couldn't help chuckling. “I try to do the right thing,” he finally said. “But I'm not one to put up with a lot of bullshit, either. That makes me unpopular with politicians and, sometimes, with my superior officers.”

 

“Well, it's good to know some things never change,” she said with a twinkle in her eye.

 

“As fun as this trip down memory lane has been, Lily, I'm curious as to why you invited me here. How were you even able to find me?”

 

Lily cleared her throat and stood suddenly. “Would you like a drink?”

 

Her sudden nervousness had him instantly on alert. Quaking hands passed him a tumbler of whiskey, and he took it, eyeing her warily. “What's wrong?”

 

“I have something important to tell you, Gabe,” she began, sitting across from him and taking a tentative sip of her own drink. “It may not be easy for you to hear.”

 

Shepard's body thrummed with tension, and he felt his temper rising, ready to snap at the least disturbance. His face settled into a scowl as he waited for her to come to the point. Patience was a virtue that had abandoned him long ago, and he fought the urge to lash out at her for keeping him in suspense. Gabe had always had a knack for shooting straight, whether with a gun or with his words. Lily's hesitancy had him ready to crawl out of his skin; that itch that never fully subsided flaring to life as he waited.

 

“I have a son,” she finally said, and Shepard felt some small, momentary relief. He hadn't seen her in years. What could this possibly have to do with him?

 

“And?” he prompted when she didn't say any more, figuring there must be something she hadn't told him yet.

 

“And he's your brother. Your half-brother.”

 

The color drained from Gabe's face, leaving him cold and trembling. “My...” the word lodged in his throat, refusing to be heard, and Shepard sank into the couch, gripping his head in both hands. “Jesus Christ,” he whispered.

 

Throughout the years, he'd tortured himself with questions about how he could have prevented what happened to Lily. Not once during all that time did something like this cross his mind. This was so far out of the realm of reason that it took his brain a few moments to come up with the next logical question. “And... you're sure he isn't...  _ mine _ ?” The last word left his mouth in a hoarse croak. Of all the things he thought he'd never have to contend with, being a father certainly ranked up near the top of the list.

 

“I'm fairly certain,” she said meekly.

 

“ _ Fairly _ ?” Shepard sat up and growled. “Isn't that something we should establish?”

 

“I kept a careful record of my cycle. The timeline points to him being your brother, and not your son. If you want a paternity test, I won't argue.”

 

Gabe stood to pace the room, panic growing by the second. His mind raced through different possibilities and scenarios. “Why didn't you contact me sooner? I could have helped. Could've at least sent some fucking money!”

 

“I don't need your money, Gabe,” she snapped. “Look around you! And I don't need your damned pity either.”

 

“And if he  _ is _ mine? It never crossed your mind for a moment that I might want to fucking  _ know that _ ?” He spun to face her, expression hard and cold.

 

Lily flinched at the anger in his voice and actions, and Shepard deflated, falling onto the couch again. “I'm sorry,” he muttered. “This... this can't have been easy for you. Jesus... why the hell did you keep him? Shit.  _ Shit! _ That... that was the wrong thing to say. I'm sorry.”

 

The couch dipped as Lily took the seat beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “Gabe,” she said softly. “He's your brother. He doesn't know about his father, and I never want him to know. I never want him to question how much he's loved. But he could use a friend. Someone to spend some time with him. Someone for him to look up to.”

 

“Are you sure you want that person to be me? You don't know me anymore.”

 

“I've always trusted you when no one else did. I never stopped caring about you, or wondering how you were doing. He's your brother, and I know you don't have any family left. I thought you might want the chance to get to know him. And,” she swallowed, “if none of those are compelling enough reasons for you, then do it for me. As a favor to me.”

 

It wasn't as if he could say no to that. “Sure,” he murmured. “Whatever you want, Lily. I owe you that much at least. I'm just-”

 

“Don't. As I said, I don't regret the choices I made. There's no use in you beating yourself up over what happened. It wasn't your fault, and you couldn't have prevented it. Sometimes bad things just happen.”

 

“I've always blamed myself, Lily. I've never stopped.” He shifted away from her touch and drained the drink she'd poured him. The room and everything in it suddenly felt too confining, suffocating, and he longed to get away. Lily had never been able to run away from the consequences of his father's actions, however, so he stayed, taking Lily's hand in his own. “I am sorry,” he said before she could stop him. “And I always will be. I'll do whatever you ask of me.”

 

“Just spend some time with him. Get to know him.”

 

“But you don't want him to know he's my brother?”

 

“I'm afraid it would raise too many uncomfortable questions,” she confessed.

 

“Got it. When can I meet him?”

 

“He'll be coming home from school soon. Can you stay? For dinner maybe?”

 

He and Zaeed had made plans for the night, and as much as he didn't want to cancel, he knew the man would understand. “Yeah. Sure. Just... let me step outside to make a call.”

 

Shepard had always thought he looked more like his mother, despite his eye and hair color, and the shape of his nose. Seeing Caleb Tanner standing in front of him dispelled that notion. Aside from his considerably darker skin tone, the boy was the spitting image of Gabe at age fifteen. He was exuberant – thrilled beyond belief to come home from school and find Commander Shepard in his living room. When Lily informed the kid that Gabe was staying for dinner, Caleb's excitement grew tenfold, though Gabe was sure it should have been impossible.

 

He learned that Caleb was fourteen years old, just a few weeks shy of fifteen, confirming that he was related to Gabe in one way or another, though his looks had already suggested that fact. Shepard made up his mind to have Chakwas run a paternity test just to be on the safe side, though he was willing to give Lily the benefit of the doubt for now. As horrible as it was to think of Caleb as being his brother – the circumstances surrounding it – he wasn't sure how he'd react to finding out the boy was actually his own son. It was a sobering thought.

 

He'd never given any consideration to parenthood, knowing that he'd make a lousy one. His trust and commitment issues had always prevented it from being a concern. Now, he was the second half of a couple – an idea that still made him feel uneasy no matter how much he enjoyed Zaeed's company – and his chosen partner was a man. That ruled out the possibility of any unwanted pregnancies at this stage in the game.

 

When the meal was completed, Gabe promised to come visit Caleb every day for the rest of shore leave and excused himself. Aboard the ship, he headed straight for Zaeed's quarters, frowning to find the room empty. Not in the mood for a scavenger hunt, he left and headed back to his own cabin. Shepard stopped dead in his tracks when he found his lover sitting on the couch reading a datapad.

 

“What are you doing here?” The question was out before he could stop it, but Zaeed didn't take offense. The man smirked at him and motioned for Gabe to join him on the couch.

 

“So why did she want to see you?” he asked, rather than explaining his presence in the captain's cabin.

 

“She's got a kid.”

 

Zaeed's eyebrows shot up. “Yours?”

 

“No. At least she doesn't think so. She thinks he's... my brother.”

 

“Bloody hell!”

 

“Tell me about it.” Shepard sighed and relaxed into the couch scrubbing his face with both hands.

 

“Need a drink?”

 

“Or a whole bottle,” Gabe said.

 

Zaeed laughed, patting him on the knee before reaching for the bottle of scotch that sat on the low table in front of them. They skipped the glasses, choosing to drink straight from the bottle instead, and Massani waited until Shepard began to look tipsy before speaking again. “So what's the plan?”

 

“She wants me to spend time with him. Told her I would.”

 

“How bloody noble of you.” There was a wry amusement in Zaeed's voice that had Shepard turning his head.

 

“Can we not talk about this right now?”

 

“Got something else in mind?”

 

“As a matter of fact....”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zaeed gives Shepard something to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains minor spoilers for Mass Effect: Andromeda. If you haven't played it and don't want to know anything about it, you may want to skip the middle section. :)

Shepard didn't know anything about kids. Before becoming a soldier, his life had been anything but typical. Still, he'd been a nearly fifteen year old boy once upon a time. It shouldn't be  _ that _ difficult to find a gift for the kid. A gift had been Zaeed's idea, because Shepard would never have thought of it on his own. The pair scoured the markets for several hours trying to come up with some idea of what to get.

 

“Do you really think a gift is necessary?” Shepard had dined with Lily and Caleb the night before, promising to visit the kid every day of shore leave, though he had no clue what they would do together. He still couldn't believe that Lily would trust him to spend time with Caleb after all these years.

 

“It's called making a nice gesture, Gabe. Christ! I know you've had a shit life up until now, but you've  _ never _ had an occasion to buy someone a gift?”

 

“After basic, our unit did a secret Santa thing at Christmas once,” Gabe admitted. “I tried to get out of participating, but my CO wouldn't hear of it. I just got a gift credit to the extranet marketplace.”

 

“How thoughtful of you,” Zaeed muttered, rolling his eyes. “Alright, what about video games? All kids like those, right?”

 

“Hell if I know, but I'm tired of looking. A video game sounds like as good an idea as any.”

 

They settled on a biotiball game that Caleb and Gabe could play together. Shepard gave his lover a skeptical look at that suggestion. “You're going to have to learn to relate to the kid on his level, Shepard,” Zaeed said in exasperation. “Play video games with him, take him out for pizza, go play basketball... that sort of thing.”

 

“How are you suddenly an expert on relating to teens?”

 

“I'm not the one who's spent his whole life with his goddamn head up his arse.” Shepard's default scowl settled onto his face, but Zaeed simply laughed, grabbing his hand and tugging him toward another store. “This here's called gift wrap,” he said, holding up a brightly colored tube of paper.

 

“I know what fucking gift wrap is, you asshole!” Gabe snatched the paper out of the man's hands and took it to the counter where he was able to pay to have the game wrapped for him.

 

Caleb was delighted with the gift, and despite his reluctance to make the gesture in the first place, Shepard grinned at the kid's enthusiasm. It turned out that playing video games was fun and relaxing. Shepard found that he enjoyed it immensely. Though conversation began as stilted and awkward, the longer they sat together, absorbed in the game, the more Caleb opened up to him. Gabe enjoyed that as well. The kid was smart and funny, preferring history and literature to math and science. It had been the exact opposite for Gabe during school, though he'd had to take history as part of his diplomacy courses at the Villa.

 

After a few hours, Lily came in to tell Caleb he had to start his homework, and Shepard had never seen anyone look so crestfallen in his life. He placed a reassuring hand on Caleb's shoulder. “I'll come back tomorrow, and we'll do something else, alright? You like basketball?”

 

Caleb's eyes, a copy of Shepard's own, lit up at the prospect. “I've always wanted to try out for the team at school, but... I never have.”

 

“Why the hell not?”

 

“Never worked up the nerve, I guess.”

 

Shepard nodded, scratching his chin. It almost felt hypocritical to take Zaeed's words and turn them around on the boy, but that didn't stop him. “Everyone feels fear, Caleb. It's what you do with that fear that proves whether or not you're a coward.”

 

“Yes, sir.” Caleb glanced around the room glumly. “Do... do you think you could stay again for dinner?”

 

“Sorry, I uh... I have plans.”

 

“With who?”

 

“Zaeed, he's... a friend.”

 

“Like a friend, or a  _ friend _ ?”

 

“Uh,” Shepard cleared his throat, then muttered gruffly. “A  _ friend _ .”

 

Caleb nodded sagely. “Maybe he could come to dinner too, then?”

 

“Maybe tomorrow night, alright?”

 

“Alright. I had fun today. Thanks for coming.”

 

“I had fun, too. I'll see you tomorrow.”

 

**

 

Zaeed met him at the combat simulator with both their gear in tow. Chakwas hadn't cleared him for fighting, but Shepard had been working overtime on his therapy and was ready to get back into the action. The simulator would give him the chance to put himself through his paces without risking another injury.

 

Though it had only been a few days since he'd last worn it, slipping into his armor felt like coming home. Gabe took a deep breath and felt the tension he hadn't realized he'd been carrying dissipate. The suit constricted painfully against his injured lung, but he'd pushed through worse. By the time he'd locked his Widow and Phalanx into their holsters, there was a fire in his eyes that made Zaeed grin.

 

Shepard set up the mission parameters, and the pair of them stepped into the ring, prepared to fight against geth similar to those on Eden Prime. Gabe poured every ounce of the frustration, fear, and helplessness he'd felt over the last few days into the fight. Ruthless and brutal, he marched across the field with the aid of his tactical cloak, incinerating some enemies, stabbing others with his omni-blade. When the cloak flickered out, he fell back into cover, sniping geth at will. Zaeed complained that Shepard wasn't leaving anything for him to do, which only fueled Gabe's maniacal laughter.

 

It became a contest to see which of them could kill the most enemies. Zaeed loved seeing Gabe like this – all raw power and ferocious determination. It was as arousing as it was inspiring. In moments like this it was clear why he'd been chosen as the first human Spectre. When a goal or objective was placed before him nothing short of death would prevent him from reaching it. Hell, even death hadn't been able to stop him, thanks to Cerberus.

 

“So how'd it go today with the kid?” Zaeed asked as they took a few moments in the locker room to breathe and drink some water.

 

Shepard wiped the sweat off his brow with the back of his hand and fished his pack of smokes out of a pocket on his leg. “Better than I thought it would. We had a lot of fun. Seems like a good kid.”

 

“Good,” Zaeed took the cigarette Gabe had just lit for himself, grinning at the murderous look he received in return. “I'm bloody proud of you.”

 

“Don't be a wise-ass,” Shepard huffed out the smoke from his newly lit cigarette.

 

“I'm not,” Zaeed insisted. “It's... it's a good thing you're doing.” The regretful tone of his voice had Shepard turning to face him with an inquisitive look. Massani cleared his throat. “I have a son, Shepard,” he said, so low, Gabe had to strain to hear him.

 

“You do?” There was no judgment in the question only simple curiosity.

 

Zaeed nodded, gaze cast to the floor. “Name's Bain. One of those stupid messes you get yourself into when you're a younger man and think nothing like that'll ever happen.”

 

“Do you ever see him?”

 

“Never. Other than a holo his mum sent me. I was... too fucking stubborn to go. Didn't want anything holding me down, ya know? Stupidest goddamn thing I've ever done in my life – not going. I... I should've...”

 

Gabe swallowed, reaching for Zaeed's hand. “You're talking like it's too late,” he said quietly.

 

“It is too late. He's gone.”

 

“Dead?”

 

There was no humor in Zaeed's laugh. “May as well be. He's just as far out of my damn reach as if he were. Joined this crazy thing called the Andromeda Initiative. A group of complete fucking morons taking ships to the Andromeda galaxy.”

 

“Andromeda? What the hell?”

 

“I don't know. All's I know is he's gone with them.”

 

“How'd you find that out?”

 

“Just because I never went to see him doesn't mean I didn't keep track of him. I gave him my name and little else, but I made damn sure he was looked after. Figured I didn't really have anything to offer a kid, you understand. My life,” he took the last drag off his smoke and flicked it to the floor, “my life's been nothing but fighting, scraping and scrounging for every fucking thing I ever had. Didn't want him to be a part of that.”

 

“I can understand that.”

 

“Don't. It was a lousy goddamned excuse. A kid would've interfered with what  _ I  _ wanted, and so I pretended like he didn't exist. Other than sending people after him to make sure he was taken care of, I didn't lift one damned finger for my boy. Makin' a kid's the easy part, but I took the coward's way out. Left his mum to go it alone, and I've had decades to regret that decision. Now it's too fucking late to go back and change it.”

 

“I'm sorry, Zaeed,” Shepard said hoarsely.

 

“So am I.” The merc dragged the back of his hand across his eyes. “Listen, Gabe.... I know that kid may not be yours, but... whether he is or not... spend time with him. Treat him like he is your own. I don't think you'll ever regret that choice.”

 

“I don't know the first damned thing about how to be a father, Zaeed.”

 

“Sure you do. You at least know what  _ not _ to do. You only need to look to me and your own old man for that.”

 

Shepard crushed his cigarette butt with the heel of his boot. “I don't know, Zaeed. He... I'm sure I don't have whatever it is that kid needs.”

 

“He's your family either way. You can do like I did and pretend he's not, or you can suck up your stubborn fucking pride and learn how to care for that boy. The choice is yours.” Zaeed stood and headed for the terminal to set up another round in the simulator. Before he reached the console, he turned to face Shepard once more. “You're an asshole Shepard, but there's something soft buried down deep in that cold heart of yours. I've seen just enough glimpses of it to be convinced of that fact. There's something... noble about you. You have a chance to give this boy something neither of us ever had. Something I was too much of a fucking coward to give my own son. Don't waste it, Gabe.”

 

**

 

The conversation with Zaeed from the previous day was the only thing on Shepard's mind. All day as he'd gone through his physical therapy with Chakwas, sat in the tattooist's chair for the work on his sleeve, hunched over the terminal in his cabin trying but failing to concentrate on his reports and intel – what Zaeed had said was a constant echo in the back of his mind.

 

The more he thought about it, the more he sensed that Zaeed was right. Here was an opportunity to do right by this kid, to offer him something that Shepard, himself, had been denied. There was still plenty of doubt as to whether he was the right man for the job, but Caleb was smart. It wouldn't take a genius to realize how similar the two of them looked. Likely it was only a matter of time before the boy flat out asked Gabe about the connection between him and his mother or if he knew anything of Caleb's father.

 

He needed to talk to Lily. Surely this eventuality had occurred to her before she'd contacted him. Had she hoped Shepard would be willing to claim the boy as his own? Had she just assumed Caleb would never ask any questions? Driving himself crazy wouldn't solve anything. A message was sent to Lily and then to Zaeed, and Shepard left the ship.

 

The perpetual twilight of the wards offered him a strange sense of comfort. The first time he'd seen the Citadel he'd been in awe of the station. He'd spent years of his life on Arcturus during various training courses and postings, but it was nothing compared to this. Like five of the galaxy's largest cities, the ward arms spread out before him, housing billions of people from various species. He remembered standing in a place similar to this listening to Ashley tease him about her tinfoil miniskirt – a skirt he'd eventually seen her in at Flux; a skirt he'd taken off of her later that same night. Kaidan's astute observation that the Citadel was a “big place,” had made him roll his eyes then. Now... what he wouldn't give to hear Kaidan's voice just once more.

 

He wondered what Alenko would do when faced with a similar situation, but the answer was immediately clear. Kaidan would have done whatever it took to ensure that Caleb was loved and cared for, happy. Kaidan had been a good man; a man who hadn't deserved to die. It should have been Shepard there with that bomb. Kaidan could have been the Spectre, the hero, that everyone wanted Shepard to be. But he wasn't that. He was just a man – a hard, unforgiving man at that - but he wasn't cruel.

 

Deep down, some part of him longed to be the man that Kaidan saw – the man that had inspired such loyalty that the lieutenant willingly laid down his life so that Shepard would have the chance to finish what they'd started. He wanted to be the man that Zaeed believed he was. Was there anything soft or noble about Gabe Shepard? He didn't think so, but maybe now was his chance to find out.

 

Lily met him at a coffee shop in Zakera ward where Shepard laid out his concerns, leaving off the parts about him assuming the role of father in Caleb's life until he knew where she stood. The small smile on her face said everything Shepard needed to know. Her desire was for him to be a father figure to the kid at the very least.

 

“I know it's a lot to ask,” she said quietly. “I don't have anywhere else to turn.” Her fingernail picked at the paper wrapper on her coffee cup.

 

“Why didn't you just tell me this up front?”

 

A bitter laugh pushed through her lips. “Because I honestly expected you to tuck tail and run when you first found out about Caleb.”

 

Shepard frowned. “Well, I appreciate the fucking vote of confidence,” he huffed. She was right though. If he'd run into Lily before meeting Zaeed, he'd have made his apologies and sent her on her way. Maybe he would have been willing to write the kid a few letters, but it wouldn't have occurred to him to reach out like this, to involve himself so inexorably in their lives.

 

“It's not as if my experiences with men and their intentions have been great, Gabe,” she muttered.

 

“Fuck.” He rubbed a hand down his face. “I'm sorry, Lily.”

 

“Present company excluded of course,” she said with a wink. That garnered a chuckle from Shepard. “The truth is I hoped that you were still the person that I knew and loved once upon a time, and I believe that you still are.”

 

“Lily-”

 

She cut him off with a wave of her hand. “I'm not here to rekindle an old romance. Hell, we were just kids. What did I know of love? My sole intention in contacting you again was so that Caleb could get to know you. So you could get to know him. He's a good kid.” Her smile was soft and affectionate.

 

“He does seem to be,” Shepard admitted. “He never asks about his dad?”

 

“Not so much anymore,” she said wistfully. “I've always hated lying to him, but...”

 

“Knowing that your father is a monster is hard on a kid,” Shepard finished for her, staring morosely at his untouched coffee.

 

“Exactly.” The word was no more than a whisper.

 

Shepard nodded a few times. “Alright. I'm going to have my doctor do a paternity test, just to be sure. I won't say anything to Caleb unless he brings it up. Then I guess we'll just have to go from there.”

 

“Gabe?” She reached across the table to take his hand. “I... to be honest, I didn't expect much from you, and... I just... thank you.”

 

“You don't have to thank me, Lily. Hell, you may come to regret your decision to contact me before it's over.”

 

“Doubtful.” She smiled at him again. “Caleb told me you have a boyfriend,” she said, changing the subject altogether.

 

“Oh... I wouldn't... call him my...” He coughed.

 

He received an eye roll in response. “Well, he said he wanted you both to come to dinner tonight, so I'm extending an official invitation.”

 

“Yeah... we'll be there.” 


	10. Chapter 10

Lily sent Gabe a copy of Caleb's medical records, complete with a DNA scan, and Chakwas confirmed what Lily had told him. Caleb was definitely not his son, but was most likely his brother. A cold mix of relief and disappointment washed over him, but Gabe wasn't really surprised.

 

The more time he spent with the kid, the more he liked him. Zaeed seemed to take to the boy as well, the three of them going to the movies or the arcade together as much as possible. Shepard even convinced Lily to let him take Caleb to the shooting range just once. When Chakwas declared Shepard combat ready, he was reluctant to leave the Citadel. Though it was necessary, going back to work meant fewer chances to see Caleb. The boy shared his same gloomy appraisal of the situation, and as they sat at the pizza parlor on Gabe's last night of leave, Caleb listlessly picked at his food rather than actually eating it.

 

“ What's up, kid?” Shepard asked. “When I was fourteen, I could have eaten an entire pizza by myself.” After their earlier basketball game, Shepard was starved, but he waited, wondering exactly what was worrying the boy.

 

“ Not hungry, I guess.” Caleb pushed his plate away and propped his cheek on his fist. Zaeed had opted to let the pair of them have the night to themselves, and Shepard wished the merc was there for backup. Maybe he would know how to coax Caleb out of his sullen mood.

 

“ Want some money for games?”

 

“ Nah...”

 

“ Want to get a milkshake?”

 

Caleb shook his head.

 

Gabe leaned forward, forearms on the table. “Alright, spill it. I can't take this damn sour face anymore. What the hell is eating at you, Caleb?” Shepard winced at the harsh edge to his words, but the teen barely registered the tone.

 

“ I just... wish you didn't have to leave.”

 

“ I'll be back.”

 

“ How do you know my mom?” he blurted next. Shepard had known the question was coming eventually. It didn't stop his heart from pounding or his palms from sweating.

 

“ We, uh... we were friends a long time ago. When we were about your age or a little older.”

 

“ Friends, or  _ friends _ ?”

 

“ _ Friends _ ,” Gabe admitted with a cough.

 

“ Did you know my dad?”

 

Despite the fact that he'd known this question was coming, too, Shepard paled and curled his hands into fists to stop their trembling. “Yes,” he said quietly.

 

Caleb swallowed, eyes dancing around the room before he drew a deep breath and met Shepard's gaze steadily. “Are  _ you  _ my dad?”

 

Shepard's heart plummeted. There had been long discussions with both Lily and Zaeed about what he should and would do when this happened. Turned out there were just some things no one was ever prepared for. The hopeful light in Caleb's eyes twisted Gabe's stomach in knots, but there was part of his brain screaming at him to cut ties and run. Now. As far and fast as he could. What did he really owe these people? What had happened wasn't his fault, despite the fact that he'd spent over half his life blaming himself for it.

 

If he told Caleb yes – accepting responsibility that didn't belong to him – then he would be bound to the kid for the rest of his life. He'd have an obligation to him. His life would no longer be his own.

 

The easy path was to tell him no and let Lily deal with the fallout. However, telling him no would only lead to more questions. Caleb would likely always suspect that Shepard had lied to him, and he would continue in inquire about his father until Lily was forced to finally tell him the truth. Imagining the pain and disappointment in the eyes boring into him so intently, if the truth was ever discovered, nearly broke Gabe's heart. A monumental feat to be sure.

 

Fear – of becoming too attached, of getting in over his head, of failing in this one area that he knew would turn out to be more important than anything he'd ever done before – threatened to drown him. Zaeed's voice in the back of his mind pushed him to respond.  _ “What are you going to do with the fear, Gabe?” _

 

To say no would be the coward's way out. “Yes,” he whispered instead.

 

Caleb came around the table and threw his arms around Shepard, choking on a sob. “I knew it,” he breathed. “I just knew it was you.”

 

Gabe held onto him as the boy cried. Lying came natural and easy to a guy like Shepard, and he'd grown to a point that he never felt guilt whenever he did it. This was something entirely different. Lying to get your way, to gain some advantage, to piss someone off – those were the standard. Lying to protect an innocent heart was unexplored territory. Strange that it could make him feel so good; that giving a part of his own heart to Caleb felt so honest.

 

“ I'm not even mad that you weren't around before,” Caleb finally said, and Shepard couldn't help but chuckle.

 

“ I didn't know about you until last week when your mom contacted me,” he said, and that, at least, was the god's honest truth.

 

The teen's appetite returned rather suddenly, and he scarfed down more than half the pizza, leaving only two slices for Gabe before bounding off to play a few arcade games. Shepard took the time to set his plan into motion. He messaged Lily so she would know. Liara had agreed to help him forge a birth certificate with his name listed as the father so that he wouldn't have to go through the adoption process and quite probably reveal the truth to Caleb. Chakwas had agreed to go along with the ruse as well, and that left only five people in the entire galaxy who knew the actual truth. Shepard intended for it to stay that way.

 

When Caleb was out of money, Shepard asked if he wanted a tour of the Normandy. Of course he did, and of course Joker was the first to greet them aboard the ship. Caleb's eyes were wide with wonder as he glanced around the cockpit, and the pilot quirked an eyebrow at the Commander.

 

“ I know we need all the help we can get on this mission,” he began, “but isn't he a little young?”

 

Two sets of sharp blue eyes landed on Joker at the same time. “Joker, this is my son, Caleb Tanner. Caleb, this is Normandy's pilot, Jeff Moreau.”

 

There was a slight widening of the pilot's eyes before he cleared his throat, heeding the warning in the subtle shake of Shepard's head. “Uhh... nice to meet you, though everybody just calls me ‘Joker.’”

 

They got the same reaction from just about everyone aboard. Miranda glared at him icily. Shepard simply tapped on his omni-tool, forwarding her a copy of the forged birth certificate that Liara had already supplied for him. The Operative's scowl deepened, but she said nothing.

 

They ended in the starboard cargo hold, where Zaeed sat polishing Jessie, his old hunk of junk rifle that Gabe was sure meant more to him than all the credits in the galaxy. The merc wouldn't even let Shepard touch the thing. They showed him how to throw the knives at the makeshift target Zaeed had taped to the wall on the far side of the room. Shepard supposed he should have made the merc put up some sort of protective barrier behind the it first thing, but he never had. It was too late to worry about it now.

 

Finally, they dropped Caleb at home with promises that Shepard would be in touch and that the kid could call him anytime he wanted. “I'm going to miss you,” Caleb told him.

 

“ I'm going to miss you, too,” Shepard replied. It wasn't even a lie.

 

**

 

“ So, you did it.” Zaeed's statement made Shepard's spine stiffen.

 

“ Yeah.”

 

“ I’m glad. It'll be good for both of you.”

 

Gabe snorted but didn't say anything else. He lost himself in his thoughts, paying no attention to where they were going, trusting Zaeed to lead them back to the ship. So he was surprised to look up and find them outside the merc's apartment building. Zaeed pulled him into the alleyway beside the building, pushing him against the wall.

 

Massani's lips were on his before Shepard could protest. Instead of resisting, Gabe wrapped powerful arms around his lover, drawing him closer. “You shouldn't be allowed to wear tank tops in public,” Zaeed murmured. “Too damn distracting.”

 

A laugh sputtered from his chest, and Shepard tried to push the other man away. “I'm dirty from the basketball game,” he said.

 

“ I like you dirty. So fucking sexy.” Zaeed licked a trail up Gabe's neck, fingers teasing along the edge of his waistband.

 

“ Well, take me upstairs then.”

 

“ Why? We've a perfectly good alley right here.”

 

Shepard laughed again, tucking his hands into the back pockets of Massani's jeans. “Damn perv. Come on.”

 

**

 

Both men fell onto the bed, sweaty bodies and heaving chests. “God damn,” Shepard sighed, ignoring the merc's cheeky grin. “Shower.”

 

Zaeed agreed, and they made their way toward the bathroom. “You gonna send me back to my bunk when we get back to the ship?” He wrapped his arms around Shepard's waist and nudged him underneath the scalding spray.

 

During shore leave, they'd spent every night together. Shepard couldn't deny that he'd almost gotten used to having the man in his bed. Still, there was too much potential for problems with the crew. Nearly every ship he'd served on had it's share of romances and flings going on behind people's backs, half of those were his CO's being involved with someone. Flagrantly parading it around the ship tended to be bad for morale, however. Tempted as he was to keep going as they had been, he knew it was a terrible idea.

 

“ I have to think about the rest of the crew,” Shepard said.

 

“ This isn't a military ship, Gabe.”

 

“ Doesn't matter. The dynamics are pretty much the same. Please don't give me shit about this, alright?”

 

He could tell Zaeed was unhappy with the verdict, but there was nothing to be done about it. Massani wasn't the type to pout to get his way. Shepard figured the man would be over it soon enough.

 

“ Where are we going in the morning?” Zaeed asked as they hunted for their scattered clothing.

 

“ Zorya.”

 

A frigid glint settled into the man's eyes, and Shepard couldn't suppress a shiver. Zaeed hadn't told him what they'd find on the planet, but whatever it was, it seemed important to the man.

 

“ Want to talk about it?”

 

“ Tell you when we get there.”

 

Shepard sighed. “Nothing like going into a mission fully prepared.”

 

Hackett and Ashley Williams were snuggled on the couch eating popcorn and watching a movie. Shepard rolled his eyes. She was a good soldier, but she'd ruin her career if she kept fucking her superior officers. If the truth ever came out, her reputation would be the one to suffer. It was none of his damned business though, so he said nothing.

 

Zaeed said his goodbyes to his friend, and Shepard was halfway out the door when Ashley called to him. “Take care, Skipper.”

 

“ You too, Chief,” he said with a mock salute, then followed Zaeed into the corridor.

 

**

 

Shepard had set the course for Zorya – had checked and double checked with EDI to make sure they'd be there by zero eight hundred. He'd straightened his room, checked his messages, sent a load of laundry through the machine. After tossing and turning in his bed for more than an hour, he sat up with a growl.

 

**_Inter-ship Messaging System:_ **

 

_ GS: You still awake? _

 

_ ZM: Yeah _

 

_.. _

_.. _

_.. _

_.. _

_.. _

 

_ GS: Want to come up? _

 

_ ZM: Thought you'd never ask. _

 

The merc wore a shit eating grin as he stripped his clothes off by the bed. Shepard glowered at him as he held the covers up, and Zaeed crawled in. “Not one fucking word, Massani.”

 

“ Wouldn't dream of it,” he smirked, pecking Gabe on the lips and settling back into his arms.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Umm... Sorry! <3

“What the hell are you doing?” Shepard hissed as Massani slammed the butt of his rifle against the gas valve over and over.

 

He seethed with anger over the turn events had taken. Finding out that Zaeed had helped found the Blue Suns – had withheld that information from him – had him livid. It was a rather crucial piece of information, considering their current objective. Landing on the planet, Shepard had been under the impression that they were here to rescue imprisoned factory workers. When the truth came out, he discovered they were actually here to exact revenge on Zaeed's old partner. From that moment on, Shepard knew that the mission was going to turn into a clusterfuck.

 

“Opening the fucking door,” Zaeed snapped.

 

“I could've hacked it, dumbass! I'm an infiltrator, remember?” The fact that Massani hadn't trusted him with the information about the Suns, hadn't trusted him to do his job and get them into the factory without incident, sat in Shepard's gut like a ton of lead. He fought back against the pang of hurt and disappointment he felt, but before either of them could say anything else, the gas pipe exploded, sending the squad flying.

 

The doors were blown off their runners, and Shepard scrambled to his feet, racing into the refinery to assess the damage. Fire raged all around them. If it reached the main reactor, the factory and all those inside would be decimated. He spat a curse, turning to scowl at his lover. The look of cold satisfaction in the merc's eyes only enraged him further. With a growl, he returned his attention to the task at hand, running toward the doors to the landing pad.

 

Panicked screaming behind them halted the team in their tracks. As he'd prepped for the mission that morning, Gabe had sensed that they'd need an extra man. He'd learned long ago to trust that instinct, and it had yet to let him down. Garrus and Jack hung behind him and Zaeed as Shepard turned to face the terrified worker. “Please! Somebody help us!”

 

Zaeed grabbed Gabe by the arm, spinning his body to face him. “These people can fucking burn, Shepard,” he growled. His voice was frigid and empty, sending a chill up Shepard's spine. “Santiago is the only thing I care about.”

 

“I'm not going to let these people die just because you have some fucked up need for revenge,” Shepard snarled, wrenching his arm out of the merc's grasp.

 

Commander Shepard was known for his brutality, for accomplishing his objectives regardless of the collateral damage involved, but Shepard knew better than most that legends were almost always twisted versions of the truth. There was no denying that Shepard could be spiteful and mean just for the hell of it, and he had no qualms about killing squads of mercs or bands of pirates. Innocent civilians – people just trying to live their lives and feed their families – were another story altogether. Regardless of what Khalisah al Jilani had to say about him, Gabriel Shepard wasn't the complete monster that the media made him out to be. If there was a way to save these people, then by god, he was going to find it. He wasn't evil, for fucks sake.

 

Zaeed gripped his arm again. “If Santiago gets away, I'm holding you personally responsible! I've spent the last twenty years of my fucking life hunting him down so I could put a bullet in his goddamn brain, and I'm not giving that up for anyone... even you.”

 

“I'm not sacrificing these people!”

 

“So you're sacrificing us?” Zaeed leaned in close to Shepard's face, words hissing between clenched teeth. “Because I promise you, if he gets away, we're done.”

 

The words stabbed right into Shepard's heart, leaving him desolate, hollow. The blood in his veins turned to ice and steel, and he drew himself up taller, eyes narrowing on the man standing before him. “Well, maybe it was about fucking time for us to be done.” 

 

Without waiting for Zaeed's response, he turned toward the rest of the team. “Garrus, you and Jack go save those people. Meet us at the landing pad as soon as it's done. If there's a way to put the fire out, do it, otherwise, focus on the people. Jack, Garrus is in charge. Follow his orders just like you would mine.”

 

“Yes, sir, Commander Shepard, sir,” the biotic quipped, throwing her hand up in a mocking salute. Shepard took a step toward her, face drawn in fury, and she waved him off with a roll of her eyes before he could say anything. Garrus gripped the woman by the arm and led her toward the factory, while Shepard turned his attention to the landing pad once more.

 

“Let's go!”

 

Over the last few months, he and Zaeed had begun to read each other well enough not to need words on the battlefield. Shepard could nod or gesture with his hand, and Zaeed knew exactly where to shoot or send a grenade. This fight was no different, and Shepard was relieved not to have to say anything to the man. Hell, he didn't even know what he would say if he could.

 

No matter how many times he told himself he wasn't in love with Zaeed Massani, the tightness in his chest, the way it felt like his heart was clamped in a vice grip, gave lie to the words. Underneath all the fury and frustration ran a current of profound sorrow. The emotion burned at the back of his throat, but he could easily blame that on the smoke from the oil fires that surrounded them.

 

He was going soft. There were no two ways about it. He'd let Lily and Caleb worm their way into his affections until he was willing to take responsibility for something that wasn't his fault – never mind that he'd spent the last fifteen years blaming himself for it. Despite his best efforts to stop him, Zaeed had burrowed underneath the defenses he'd carefully constructed for the specific purpose of keeping shit like this from happening in the first fucking place. He'd spent half his life trying to keep people out. Who the fuck did Zaeed Massani think he was to try and change that?

 

And yet, here he was, allowing what the man had said to drive him to do something against his nature. If they hadn't had this... whatever it was... going, he would have let Zaeed walk away without a second thought and led the charge into the factory to save those people. It was Massani's actions that had put them in jeopardy in the first fucking place. If he'd just trusted Gabe, he could have gotten them into the facility without issue. Shepard was very good at what he did.

 

Round and round his thoughts went as they waded through seemingly endless waves of mercs and blood. By the time they reached the landing pad, Shepard was ready to put a bullet through Vido's brain himself. He watched impassively as Zaeed incapacitated his nemesis, then dropped a smoldering heat sink into the pool of engine fuel the man sat in. There was a certain gratification in seeing the man burn to death. On another level, it was morbid and more than a little disturbing. Some part of him hated Vido for the agony he'd caused Zaeed, but thinking of Zaeed left him with a sour taste in his mouth.

 

At length he turned away, Vido's screams abating as the man finally succumbed to the sweet relief of unconsciousness. Shepard shivered at the thought. Killing people was his job, had been for years. Normally it was quick, painless. The life was gone before the body hit the floor, but he understood as well as anyone the need to see someone suffer. There were times when atonement could only be realized in those last dying moments when a person knew you had the upper hand, knew their life had always belonged to you. Zaeed had needed that with Vido, and Shepard didn't begrudge him that.

 

It did nothing to assuage the misery of the rest of it however. His heart was broken, something he'd promised himself he'd never let happen again, and once Vido was silenced, fury and rage resumed their rightful places in his heart and mind. Abandoning Zaeed, Shepard moved to the edge of the landing pad, lighting a cigarette, and gazing across the jungle landscape below them. Thinking hurt too much, so he didn't, just continued to smoke in silence, ignoring the tread of Massani's boots as he approached.

 

“Thank you,” Zaeed breathed, clapping Shepard on the shoulder. He wore a grin and a manic sort of gleam in his eyes. Gabe ignored that, too.

 

“I'll drop you on Illium when we leave here,” Shepard said, exhaling a lungful of smoke and shifting away from the man's touch. “I don't have time to take you back to the Citadel right now. I have a mission to complete.”

 

“What the hell are you talking about?”

 

“I helped you. We're even. I don't need your goddamned help on this mission anymore.” Facing away from Zaeed, Gabe called Garrus to make sure they had things well in hand on that end. He and Jack had managed to extinguish the flames in the refinery, evacuating the workers to a safe distance while they were at it. Shepard called the shuttle before turning back to Zaeed.

 

“Shepard-”

 

“I don't play mind games, Massani. I'm not going to let you manipulate me to get your fucking way. Either you want to be with me or you don't, but the mission is business. You had no right to bring our relationship... or whatever the fuck it is into it. This is exactly the fucking reason that I don't get involved. I fuck and I move on so that this shit doesn't happen.”

 

Zaeed cursed and ran a hand through his hair. “I'm sorry, alright? You don't know the hell that man has put me through.”

 

“Well, that's your own goddamn fault for not telling me sooner.” Shepard sighed and paced away a few steps before returning. “If at any point during all of this, you'd have just trusted me, none of this would have happened.  _ You  _ put the mission at risk by not giving me all the details beforehand.  _ You _ put those workers at risk by jumping the gun and trying to fucking bludgeon your way into the facility.  _ You  _ put our relationship at risk by putting your damn petty revenge above  _ us _ !”

 

The merc opened his mouth to retort, but was cut off by the shuttle's arrival. The flight back to the Normandy was spent in silence, Zaeed and Gabe both lost in thought, Jack and Garrus having enough sense not to bother them. Shepard headed straight into the elevator, closing it before Zaeed had the chance to follow him. In his room he locked the door, giving EDI strict instructions not to let anyone in, then stripped out of his armor.

 

He took a cold shower. The heat and sweat of the jungle planet had seeped into his bones till he felt that his blood was boiling. Zaeed's words and actions hadn't helped. Leaning his forehead against the shower wall, he stood under the cascading water, letting it rinse away the grime. His mind berated him for letting himself get into this situation in the first place. He knew better than to trust anyone – knew better than involve his heart. He'd become comfortable, complacent, with Zaeed, and it had led to him getting hurt, like he'd known it would all along.

 

EDI interrupted his wallowing long enough to remind him that he hadn't set a new destination for the ship. “Illium,” he muttered toward the ceiling, then quickly scrubbed and got out, drying off and slipping into a pair of sweatpants.

 

The itch that had driven him mad since waking on Lazarus Station crept back in. It made him restless, and he paced the length of his cabin for over an hour before muttering, “Fuck it,” and going after the bottle he kept in his bottom desk drawer. Over the weeks, as he and Zaeed had grown closer, that prickly sensation that always sat just under his skin had subsided, giving him a reprieve from the ache and discomfort. Knowing that things were over now opened him up to the itch again, and he hated it. Hated the way his skin crawled, the way his heart clenched tight in his chest, the way tears burned at the back of his eyes.

 

He awoke hours later in a pile of drool, face stuck to the leather sofa in his quarters. The empty bourbon bottle was nestled next to his chest, fist still curled around the neck. With a low grumble, Shepard sat up, scanning the room and rubbing his eyes. His omni-tool pinged with a new message, and he checked to see who'd sent it before opening it. Zaeed hadn't tried to come up last night, hadn't tried to contact him, and Gabe was relieved. He didn't want to talk to the man. Just wanted him to leave and let Shepard retain some semblance of dignity about the whole thing. From now on, Shepard knew he'd be much more cautious.

 

The message was from Miranda, so he opened it.

 

_ ML: What are we doing on Illium? _

 

_ GS: Dropping off a passenger. _

 

_ ML: Who? _

 

_ GS: Zaeed _

 

_ ML: Mr. Massani is under contract with the Illusive Man. _

 

_ GS: Don't give a fuck. I don't want him on my ship. _

 

He shut his omni-tool down before Miranda could respond. He simply didn't want to talk about it. It wasn't any of her goddamn business anyway. Gabe showered again, brushed his teeth, and sat at his terminal to attempt to get some work done. He'd come to rely heavily on Zaeed in the field, so his tactics would have to change now.

 

“Mister Massani is requesting an audience with you, Commander,” EDI interrupted.

 

“Tell him to go fuck himself.”

 

“He asked me to relay that he would rather fuck you.”

 

Gabe rolled his eyes. “Tell him to get the fuck off my ship.”

 

“He says he will not leave until you speak with him.”

 

“I'll meet him at the airlock,” Shepard growled.

 

Zaeed was leaned casually against the bulkhead, duffel bag sitting by his feet. Shepard stalked toward him, face screwed into a menacing glower. “Get the fuck off this ship,” he bellowed, “or I'll drag your ass off myself!”

 

“You don't have to do this, Gabe. I said I was fucking sorry.”

 

“ _ Saying _ you're sorry isn't enough. Go.”

 

“I would have followed you anywhere.”

 

“Only as long as you were getting your fucking way,” Shepard spat. “Get the hell out. I'm done!”

 

Zaeed held his hands up in surrender and grabbed his gear, strolling out the airlock. Gabe took a moment to get his breathing under control, filled with a sudden and overwhelming urge to hit or shoot something. “Joker, set course for that derelict reaper,” he barked, storming back toward the elevator. He slammed his fist against the newly installed control panel, cracking it again under the strain. “And put in a requisition order for a new elevator panel,” he muttered.

 

“Aye, sir,” Joker sighed. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day early because I'll be traveling for the next couple days. I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Thanks to everyone for leaving feedback! I really appreciate it! :)

For the next two weeks, Gabe did his damnedest not to think about Zaeed Massani. It was no small task. His bed still smelled like the man, Zaeed's pillow holding relentlessly to the scent even after Shepard washed it. Most nights, he stared at the stars streaking past his window, sleep elusive as it had ever been. Closing his eyes meant seeing the shock and pain in Zaeed's expression when he realized that Gabe was serious about ending things with him. Pain had morphed into resignation, and that had hurt Gabe almost as much as the feeling of betrayal.

 

Caleb Tanner messaged him almost daily, and it proved to be an anticipated distraction. The boy talked to him about everything from school, to sports, to video games, once even going so far as to tell him about a girl he had a crush on and to ask for advice on sex and matters of the heart. Shepard knew he was the last person in the universe to talk to about love and feelings – romance – but sex he had experience with. Awkward as it was, he called the boy on vid comm and had  _ the talk _ with him, wondering why Lily hadn't done so herself. The kid was nearly fifteen years old, for Christ's sake!

 

Thinking back on it, he realized his parents hadn't said much to him on the subject either. His mother had been too embarrassed. His dad had made some comment about making sure he stuck it in the right hole and laughed as though he'd made some terrific joke. Everything Shepard had learned about sex as a teen had been through trial and error – with Lily. That was certainly not something he could talk to Caleb about. Instead, he went over the basics in as clinical terms as he could think of, cringing when he slipped up and used a slang word by mistake. Caleb tended to blush and cough to suppress his giggling, which didn't help alleviate the discomfort Shepard felt at all.

 

Having made it through what was undoubtedly the most embarrassing conversation of his life, Gabe sent Caleb to bed and asked to speak to his mother. He blessed Lily out for neglecting to even have his doctor explain to Caleb what a fucking wet dream was, and warned her that the kid had a crush on a girl named Lana at school. Lily looked faint for a few moments before she finally recovered enough to stammer out a hesitant thank you. She then reminded Gabe that Caleb's birthday was coming up in a few days.

 

Gabe hadn't thought about anyone's birthday, including his own, since his mother died. Hannah Shepard had always made a huge deal of Gabe's birthday, baking him a cake, cooking him a special meal, buying him whatever he'd been asking for. Once the two of them even took a trip off planet – his mother's  _ adventure _ that she'd always talked about wanting to have. It was just to a neighboring star system with a fancy resort. Gabe and Hannah had stayed in one of the less expensive hotels, enjoying the sights, but not participating in any of the resorts many offered activities. Hannah had saved for years for that trip, hiding the credits she'd earned in an account she'd opened in Gabriel's name so that his father wouldn't find them and spend them on booze. That one trip had probably been the highlight of Gabe's youth, and he knew he wanted to do something memorable for Caleb’s birthday.

 

He had no clue what to do, though. If Zaeed was there, he could likely give him some direction on the matter, as things stood, that was no longer an option. Frowning, Shepard racked his brain for ideas. Thinking back on his own childhood, the experiences stood out more than any specific item he'd received as a gift. With that in mind, he began a search for activities the two of them could do together. In the end, he purchased three tickets to the Seattle Sorcerers biotiball game that was taking place on Caleb's actual birthday. He went all out, using his Spectre status to get box seats complete with matching souvenir t-shirts for himself, Caleb, and Lily.

 

The trip to the Citadel coincided with Garrus and Thane needing his help for personal missions. Both were easily accomplished, and he left Garrus alone to brood over Sidonis' death, hoping that his friend found some sort of peace in the act. Thane was left to talk with his own son, and Shepard found himself surprised by how much the mission had affected him. Before Caleb – and Zaeed – he would have viewed it as simply another task on the to-do list. Now he understood Thane's urgency better than anyone. His relationship with Caleb was new, and above all, he didn't want to fuck it up by being absent from the boy's life. He wanted to do a better job than his own father had done – a better job than Thane, or Zaeed, or Jacob’s dad, Ronald Taylor.

 

As an added surprise, Shepard arranged to pick Caleb up from school, pleased to see the kid's delighted expression when he showed up unannounced in the classroom. The room was immediately filled with whispered conversation and declarations of amazement. Caleb simply sat in his chair grinning from ear to ear. He'd mentioned to Shepard that he was being teased at school for telling people that Commander Shepard was his dad. Gabe figured his presence would put an end to that, and seeing the wonder on the students' faces, he thought perhaps he'd made the right decision.

 

“I can't believe you remembered my birthday,” Caleb said, something like awe in his voice, as they walked away from the school.

 

“Of course I did. Got us tickets to see the Sorcerers tonight. How does that sound?”

 

Caleb shrugged, feigning nonchalance, but Shepard saw right through him. The kid was excited beyond measure, and it left Gabe with a warm feeling in his chest. It replaced the tightness that had been ever present since his falling out with Zaeed a couple weeks before. They boy chattered on about everything that had been going on in his life since Gabe had last been on the Citadel. Most of it was a repeat of things he'd written or talked about during their vid calls, but Shepard didn't care. It was nice to have someone to focus on besides himself. 

 

That thought surprised him. Since the batarian raid on Mindoir, Shepard's goal had been looking out for number one. Having someone else to care about, to be concerned about, gave him a new sense of purpose that he hadn't realized had been missing from his life.

 

They picked Lily up from the embassy, and went to Caleb's favorite Chinese restaurant for dinner. Mother and son laughed as Gabe tried, and failed, to eat his dumplings with the provided chopsticks. Shepard cursed when the third dumpling landed in his lap, muttering that he'd stick to a fork from now on as he swiped at the sauce on his jeans. He glanced up in time to catch the twinkling in Caleb's eyes, and decided the embarrassment and inconvenience of wearing a stain on his pants for the rest of the night was worth it.

 

At the game, they stuffed themselves full of junk food, beer, and soda to the point of nausea, but all of them were in high spirits as they left the game. Lily gave Gabe and Caleb some space as they made their way back to the Tanner residence. “Thanks for tonight, dad,” Caleb said softly. A new type of tightness gripped Shepard's chest. He wondered if he'd ever get used to hearing Caleb call him “dad.” “It was the best birthday I've ever had.”

 

Shepard slid an arm around the kid's shoulders as they continued down the walkway. He ruffled his fingers through Caleb's thick, black hair, something they'd both inherited from their father. “I'm glad you enjoyed it,” he said simply. “I have to leave first thing in the morning, but I'm close to wrapping things up with this mission. Maybe when I get back, we can spend a couple weeks together.”

 

“That'd be really cool.”

 

Shepard's good mood evaporated instantly when he spotted Zaeed Massani leaning against the wall beside Caleb and Lily's door, a cigarette dangling from his lips. Ignoring the merc, he said goodnight to mother and son, promising to keep in touch while he was away. As soon as the door closed, he strolled away, leaving the merc standing there.

 

Zaeed caught up quickly. “I heard the Normandy was docked. Figured you'd show up at the kid's place sooner or later. Looked like a fun family outing.”

 

“Today's Caleb's birthday,” Gabe informed him. “I took them out to dinner and to a ball game, not that it's any of your fucking business.”

 

“I'm not keeping tabs on you, Gabe. Shit! I just... Can we please just talk for a damn minute?”

 

When Zaeed touched his arm, Shepard felt his resistance crumble. With a sigh, he nodded. “There's a bar near here.”

 

Neither man said another word until they were perched on a couple bar stools each clutching a tumbler of scotch in their hands. Gabe watched the cubes of ice in his drink, shaking it slightly to listen to them clink against the sides of the glass. He lit a cigarette and drained his glass, pushing it toward the bartender for a refill. “So talk,” he said when he had his second drink.

 

Zaeed sighed. “I've missed you,” he said quietly. “So bloody much.”

 

Gabe downed his drink again and took a drag off the cigarette. “Me, too,” he said, barely audible, staring at the empty glass and running his finger around the rim.

 

“I'm sorry. I... didn't mean what I said, it just... came out. Do you think I'd really throw this away for revenge?”

 

Shepard shrugged and waved his glass at the bartender. “I don't know, okay? I don't... I don't need this goddamn complication,” he huffed. “I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to miss you or feel... fucking empty without you around. I'm sick of it!”

 

“Me either, but I do.”

 

“I was perfectly happy being a hardass bastard and having meaningless sex with anyone who was willing.”

 

“And you think I wasn't?” Zaeed asked with a wry twist of his lips. “You think I wanted to give my heart to some young goddamn punk with a fucking chip on his shoulder the size of the bloody moon? You were just a hot ass that I wanted to fuck, but now... now it's different.”

 

The honest truth was that the last two weeks had been hell without Massani on the ship. Shepard wasn't sleeping, was barely eating. Talking with Caleb had become the only thing that brought him any sort of happiness whatsoever, and as much as it pained him to admit it, he'd missed the hell out of Zaeed. Now that he'd had time to cool down, he found he wasn't even angry about what had happened anymore. Shepard understood revenge better than most, and as the time had passed, he'd realized that he really didn't blame Zaeed for the way things had gone down. They'd managed to save the workers and to kill Vido. The only thing still suffering was the two of them.

 

“What now?” Shepard asked, finishing his drink again and pushing it away for the final time.

 

Zaeed reached for Gabe's hand, and the younger man took it with a small smile. “Now, you tell me that you forgive me; I promise to never let the mission come between us again; and we go back to my apartment and screw each other through the goddamn bed.”

 

Shepard laughed. “I forgive you.”

 

“I promise to never let the mission come between us again.”

 

“You're buying,” Shepard tossed over his shoulder as he made his way to the door.

 

**

 

“I really am sorry,” Zaeed murmured, fingers making lazy circles on Gabe's back.

 

“I know.” Shepard burrowed closer, inhaling the scent of his lover. He'd missed this more than he was comfortable admitting. Being in Zaeed's arms again just felt right, and he didn't relish the idea of being alone again.

 

“Let me come with you?”

 

Shepard nodded, leaning up to kiss the merc softly. “Yeah. I'd like that.”

 

Relief washed Zaeed's features clean, and he grinned at the younger man, pulling his head down for another round of languid kisses. “I missed you so much.”

 

“So did I.”

 

“Gabe? I... I want to tell you something. I don't want you to freak the fuck out, and I don't want you to respond, I just... just lay there and hear what I have to say, alright?”

 

“Okay,” he drew the word out, “now I'm scared as hell.”

 

Zaeed gripped the back of Gabe's neck, holding him against his chest with a firm hand. “I bloody love you, Gabriel Shepard.” He felt the younger man tense against him, but Shepard remained silent. A smile curled his lips when Gabe squeezed him just a little tighter and drifted off to sleep. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends! Have some broody Shep!

Shepard was still fully kitted out in his black and red armor when he trudged into the starboard cargo area carrying a battered N7 helmet in his hands. He sat heavily on a crate and stared down at the helmet. He neither looked at Zaeed, nor spoke. The merc watched him for several long minutes, unsettled by the haunted look in the man's eyes. Gabe finally glanced up when a bottle of bourbon was thrust into his face. He took it, nodding gratefully at Massani, and turned it up. Zaeed passed him a lit cigarette next, and they sat in silence passing the bourbon back and forth.

 

When the cigarette was gone, Gabe started talking. He talked about the attack on the Normandy and everything he remembered up until the moment he'd lost consciousness. He told about how it had felt to be named the first human Spectre and to be given command of his first ship – his pride and his fears, his triumphs and failures, his hopes and his doubts. 

 

He talked about Torfan and how his hatred for the batarians had led him to slaughter everyone on the moon even though it had cost him his squad. How he'd methodically and sadistically slit their throats as he imagined each one to have been the one who'd done the same to his mother. How he wished that he'd found his father in a cage in the base so he could have killed him, too. While he regretted the deaths of his squad, he wouldn't do anything differently if he had it to do over. How many lives had been taken by those slavers? How much pain and heartache had they caused? Let the media portray him how they wished, Gabe knew that in the grand scheme he'd done the right thing - not just to sate his own vengeance, but for the safety of those he was sworn to protect.  He was damned proud to be the Butcher of Torfan.

 

He told Zaeed about N-School in Rio de Janeiro. It had been the hardest yet most rewarding time of his life, and he knew he wouldn't be the man he was today without it. He told about the mission that had fucked up his shoulder to the point that no amount of surgery could eliminate the discomfort he always felt. He and his fellow N students had been dropped into a hot zone full of pirates that had been plaguing the Alliance's supply routes for months. Every squad that had been sent in to deal with them had been eliminated. No survivors. As a last resort, the Alliance was sending the special forces recruits in to clean them out.

 

As the only infiltrator on the team, it was his job to enter the base undetected and bring down the defenses so that the rest of the team could come in and kill the pirates. He'd miscalculated the drop point, and come through the ceiling into the middle of the barracks instead of the security room. After that, he had to make sure they didn't raise the alarm. Before he could do anything, he took a shot to the shoulder. It had bled profusely, but he tossed a flash bang and reactivated his tactical cloak.

 

He laughed as he told about the looks on their faces as they watched their friends falling one by one, unable to see their attacker. With all the pirates in the barracks dead and a bullet wound in his shoulder, he'd had to move a bunk bed under the hole in the ceiling so that he could climb back into the ventilation shaft since he couldn't depend on his shoulder to hoist him up. The rest of the mission had gone smoothly in comparison, and they'd managed to wipe the base clean and all get promoted to N6.

 

He talked about Kaidan Alenko and how he still felt responsible for the man's death. Since he hadn't been able to get the whole team out, he still felt like the entire mission was a failure. He'd gone to Vancouver personally to tell Kaidan's parents about their son's sacrifice and stood stoically by as his mother collapsed into her husband's arms and wept over her only child. How Mr. Alenko had simply saluted him with tears in his eyes and thanked him for taking the time to come tell them personally and for making sure their son's sacrifice wasn't in vain.

 

Afterwards he'd gone to a bar in Vancouver, gotten completely wasted, and gone to bed with a man, who reminded him so much of the dead lieutenant that it hurt. He'd carried a vain hope that he could drown the guilt and sorrow he felt in booze and sex. It hadn't worked, of course, and he never told Ashley about that night although they were already sleeping together at that point. Come to think of it, he'd never told anyone about that night.

 

He told a story about every single Normandy crewman who'd been killed, expressing his regret that no one was trying to bring them back from the dead. Reaching into a pocket on his greaves, he pulled out the handful of dog tags and held them up to Zaeed. One by one, he went through them. The Draven twins, brilliant engineers with the uncanny, and often disturbing, ability to finish each other’s sentences. One was never seen without the other. Private Felawa, who had an unnatural fear of spiders, leading the crew to purchase a bag of rubber spiders and place them strategically around the ship just to get a rise out of the man. In time, he got over his fear, or at least learned to control his reaction until the game lost its luster, and the crew left him alone.

 

Navigator Pressly had been a xenophobe when he'd joined the crew, and he and Shepard had gone round and round about it. Gabe didn't have a problem with aliens – other than batarians – and wanted the members of his crew to be open minded. He pulled out Pressly's journal that he'd found on the planet's surface and sighed, setting it beside him on the crate.

 

The bottle continued to pass between them, and Gabe talked until his voice was hoarse and his red rimmed eyes were drooping, clutching the dog tags with a deadly grip. Zaeed set the empty bourbon bottle aside and prized the chains out of his lover's hand. Gabe watched him, but neither said anything nor loosened his grip. Setting the dog tags aside, the merc went to work on the seals of Shepard's armor, removing it piece by piece until he was stripped down to his under armor. He closed the privacy screen on the window and locked the door, then pulled Gabe off the crate and into his arms.

 

Shepard stood stock still as Zaeed removed his under armor and boxer briefs then led him to the cot that was never used anymore since the merc was spending his nights in the captain's cabin now. He laid Gabe down on the bed, then stripped down and joined him. The Commander seemed to be worse than devoid of emotion. It was like his heart was a vortex sucking all life and emotion into itself and consuming it. Zaeed hated the brokenness of Shepard's expression.

 

“Come back to me, Gabe,” he murmured, pressing his lips to the younger man's. “It's over now. There's nothing we can do to change it.”

 

Shepard's skin was still icy from being on the cold planet, though his cheeks and lips were pink and warm from the effects of the alcohol. Mechanically, Gabe raised his arms to wrap them around his lover, and Zaeed grunted in frustration. He bit a trail down the man's neck and torso, leaving a line of purple bruises, until he was situated between the Commander's legs. Gabe was only semi-hard, and Zaeed started with a slow lick of his cock from base to tip. 

 

Shepard's eyes still stared vacantly at the ceiling, but his body was starting to respond to the merc's attentions. Zaeed gripped the base of the younger man's dick and brought his other hand up to play with his balls before swirling his tongue around the head. He brought just the tip into his mouth, sucking lightly before licking back down to his balls. He lavished attention there, roving them with his tongue, twirling them in his fingers, sucking first one and then the other into his mouth, stroking the man's cock all the while.

 

When Gabe finally made a noise of approval, Zaeed grinned and took his dick all the way to the back of his mouth, relaxing his throat to be able to get him down the narrow passageway. Shepard hissed and bucked his hips forward, and the older man moaned. He brought the Commander to the brink of release, then raised himself up to look into the man's eyes again. There was some light finally reflecting back from their blue depths. Gabe gave him a small smile and brought his hand up to cup the merc's cheek and pull their lips together.

 

The kiss went from soft and sweet to hard and bruising in a matter of seconds. All of a sudden a fire was burning through the Commander, as though he couldn't bring Zaeed close enough or deep enough. Gabe wanted to be connected so thoroughly that they were one being.

 

Releasing each other’s lips so they could breathe, Shepard bit along the merc's jaw, stubble dragging against stubble until it burned. He moved down the man's neck until he reached the juncture with his shoulder and bit down, hard. Massani cursed and hissed, then returned the gesture. “Yes,” Shepard moaned. 

 

Zaeed sank his teeth into the flesh of the Commander's shoulder until he tasted blood, and Shepard bucked against him, cursing and begging for more. The merc began grinding their cocks together as his teeth continued to clamp down on Shepard’s skin. Gabe was writhing underneath him, growling out his pleasure and encouraging the man to keep going. “Make it fucking hurt, Zaeed.”

 

He just needed to feel... something. He hadn't wanted to go to Alchera in the first fucking place. He damn sure hadn't wanted anyone to go with him, afraid that he wouldn't be able to control his emotions, and he'd be fucked if he was going to show weakness in front of his crew. Even with Zaeed, he was having a hard time letting go. He'd been hollow inside since his boot had first crunched into the snow on the surface. Now he needed this connection with another human being to feel human again himself. What he needed was someone who loved him and cared what the fuck happened to him.

 

He looked into Zaeed's eyes, afraid of what the merc could see in his own, but unable to go any longer without something to anchor him. Zaeed smiled at him. “You don't have to hide from me, Gabe,” he said.

 

“Fuck me, Zaeed. Please. I... need you.”

 

“Anything you need. Always.” Zaeed moved back down the Commander's body, pushing his legs up roughly, licking a path from his perineum to his hole and back again. Gabe cried out briefly, and Zaeed went to work in earnest, teasing his entrance by flicking his tongue around the tight ring of muscle. Shepard was trembling by the time he finally thrust his tongue inside. With a curse, Gabe bucked against the man and grabbed his head, forcing him deeper. Zaeed rumbled a laugh, but didn't relent until he could easily move three fingers inside his lover. Satisfied that Gabe was ready, he raised himself back up and spit into his hand to lube himself. Shepard didn't seem to care, just lay there tense and waiting. Their eyes met again as Zaeed started to push into him, and though Shepard's nostrils flared a few times, he encouraged the merc to keep going until he was sheathed to the hilt.

 

Zaeed set a rapid pace, knowing just what Shepard needed to bring him back from the brink of meltdown. Gabe raised his knees to let Zaeed hook his arms underneath so he could drive in deeper. Blue eyes stayed locked with the merc's mismatched ones as the older man pounded into him. He came with a ragged shout, sudden and messy, covering them both with the viscous fluid. Zaeed followed him over the edge, letting loose a loud groan of his own, body convulsing as he spilled into his lover. The merc released Gabe's legs, and he slid them down, wrapping them around the older man's back, pulling him into a fierce kiss that left them both with bruised lips.

 

“Hey,” Jack shouted, banging on the door, “Keep it down in there you fuckers! Some of us are trying to sleep!”

 

Shepard let his head fall back, cackling, and exchanged a few words with Jack through the door. Zaeed laughed, relieved that the man he loved had finally come back. The ghosts had lost their hold over him for today at least. Zaeed kissed him again, and Gabe gave him a look that was indecipherable. The merc had his ideas about what it meant though. It was too soon to mention love again to the man who wasn't afraid of anything in the galaxy except for feelings, but he could pour the sentiment into every touch and brush of lips that they shared. So he did. By the time they separated, Shepard was himself again. They dressed in silence and headed up to the loft to shower and fall into bed together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for taking the time to leave kudos and comments! I really appreciate it! :)


	14. Chapter 14

“ Just what the _ hell  _ do you think you're doing?”

 

Hackett looked up from his data pad on Arcturus to see an irate Zaeed Massani glaring down at him, hands braced against his desk. “Paperwork?”

 

“ I mean with Shepard, you son of a bitch!” When Gabe had told him about Hackett's request, Zaeed had been against it. The mission had been too risky to go alone. Shepard had insisted that he could handle himself, and the next few days had been sheer torture waiting to hear from the man, not knowing if he was alive or dead. Reality had an annoying knack for never being cut and dried. Terms like black or white meant next to nothing in the face of the Reapers. Shepard had come back unharmed, but not unscathed.

 

It only took one look at the Commander to know that things had gone horribly wrong on the mission. Zaeed's blood had run cold when Gabe explained what happened. No matter his reasons for destroying the Alpha Relay, everyone would assume the Butcher of Torfan had wiped out the batarian colony in a fit of vengeance. No one would give a damn about his explanations.

 

“ He killed three hundred thousand people, Massani. I can't just ignore that.”

 

“ It was your goddamn fault he was there in the first place!”

 

Shepard had been the one he'd expected a fight from, not Zaeed. Instead, when he'd gone to talk to the Commander after hearing that everything had gone to shit, the younger man had surprised the hell out of him by saying that he'd be there to take the hit when Earth came calling. He should have known he wouldn't get off so easy. Sighing, Hackett crossed the room to pour them each a glass of scotch. “Sit.”

 

“ No. Fuck you!” Zaeed did, however, take the glass and turn it up, draining it in one gulp. “Just how long are you planning on keeping him?”

 

“ You think he'll really turn himself in willingly?”

 

Zaeed glared at his friend, pure venom in his eyes. “Gabriel Shepard is a lot of things, but we both know that he has a goddamn noble fucking heart underneath all his hardass bullshit. Yes, he'll turn himself in... you fucking bastard.”

 

“ I don't know how long they'll keep him,” Hackett admitted.

 

“ Oh, it's  _ they _ now, is it?” His laugh was harsh and humorless. “Steven, we've been friends for a long damn time, and I know you. You can't possibly think this is the best decision. He's not crazy. The reapers are coming, and you're tossing your best weapon in the fucking brig. And he has a family to think about now.”

 

“ What the hell are you talking about?”

 

“ A son. He didn't know about him until a couple months ago.” Zaeed fell into the chair with a thud. “Some girl he knew when he was a teen... before the fucking batarians. Why the hell are those bastards at the center of every goddamn tragedy in his life?” He rubbed his temples while Hackett refilled his glass. “The girl had the kid and didn't tell him until recently. Maybe she thought he'd been killed on Mindoir like the rest of his family; I don't know. She finally contacted him a couple months ago. They've been nigh inseparable since he found it out.” He shook his head with a fond smile. “He's taken a real goddamn shine to the boy.”

 

“ Holy shit,” Hackett muttered. “You're in love with him.” When he'd learned of his friend's affair with Gabriel Shepard, Hackett had assumed it was just a passing thing. Two soldiers on a high stress mission in need of some companionship. In all their years of friendship, he'd only ever known Zaeed to be serious about one other person, but the merc had abandoned her when she'd found out she was pregnant. Jessie had died just a few years later, and Zaeed had never forgiven himself for it.

 

Zaeed looked away. “That's irrelevant.”

 

“ Is he in love with you?”

 

“ I don't... It's complicated.  _ He's _ complicated.” Massani was silent for a moment before conceding, “We're working on it.”

 

Hackett drained his own glass and set it down carefully. “The brass want to hang him out to dry. Trial, conviction, lock him away till he rots. They're tired of dealing with him. They see him as a delusional bastard at best or a loose cannon at worst. They don't know what the fuck they're talking about, but I've yelled, screamed, begged, and pleaded until I'm blue in the damn face, and this is the best I can do. He'll go to prison to appease the batarians and hopefully avoid war with them, and the defense committee has agreed to reevaluate his claims about the reapers. With any luck, they'll come to a new conclusion quickly, and he'll be released and reinstated.”

 

“ You're fucking serious? They'd just keep him in prison?”

 

“ Yes.”

 

“ God damn it.” Zaeed had known things would be bad, but had assumed, or maybe just hoped, that the Alliance would see reason. This was almost worst case scenario.

 

“ Will I be allowed to see him?”

 

“ No. No visitors. No outside communications.”

 

Definitely worst case scenario. “And you wonder why I never wanted to join the goddamn Alliance,” he muttered. “You're going to break that little boy's fucking heart.”

 

“ I've given him two weeks. Make the most of it.”

 

“ Can you at least fix it so that the boy and his mother can call him?”

 

“ I'll see what I can do. I'm sorry it's not more.”

 

“ Save your fucking  _ sorrys _ for when the reapers are killing us all because the one man who could stop the goddamn things is rotting in prison!”

 

Zaeed caught the next shuttle back to the Citadel. Gabe was spending the day with Caleb, and didn't want anyone around when he told the boy what he'd done and what the consequences would be. Shepard was sitting on the couch in Zaeed's apartment in his gym shorts. Sweat was rolling down his face, and Zaeed could barely resist the urge to go lick it off. He marched over to his lover and pushed him until he could straddle the man's lap.

 

“ I take it your meeting with Hackett didn't go as hoped,” Gabe said when their kiss ended. His hands slid lightly up and down Zaeed's thighs. “I'll be alright, you know.”

 

“ Yeah, but will I?”

 

Gabe brought their lips together again. In the weeks since they'd made up from their fight, they'd managed to finish their mission through the Omega-4 relay, mop up a bunch of Cerberus messes, and help Liara become the next Shadow Broker. In all that time, neither man had mentioned love again, but Shepard was through denying it to himself. He was hopelessly and irreversibly in love with Zaeed Massani. He should tell him before they locked his ass away forever, but so far he hadn't been able to bring himself to do it. He had a feeling the old man knew it anyway.

 

“ Hackett's going to try to fix it to where you can call Caleb,” he said, resting his forehead against Gabe's.

 

“ Thanks for that. It... means a lot.”

 

“ Stubborn bastard.”

 

“ Hackett?”

 

“ You. You still can't tell me that you love me?”

 

Gabe's eyes widened for a moment. “Do you need me to?”

 

“ No, but... it might be goddamn nice to hear it.”

 

Shepard floundered trying to muster up the courage to finally say out loud the thing he'd been feeling for months now. “Zaeed... I...”

 

The merc pressed their lips together again, dragging his tongue along the younger man's lower lip. Gabe opened to him, and they were lost in the needy press of lips and tongues for a few long minutes. “How did Caleb take it?” Zaeed asked when they reluctantly broke apart.

 

Gabe heaved a sigh, “About as well as you'd expect. He cried, poor little bastard. I... really fucking hate this.”

 

“ So don't go.”

 

Shepard stared at him for several minutes. Zaeed could practically see the gears turning in the man's mind. For one exhilarating moment, he thought Shepard might agree. He didn't.

 

“ And do what instead, Zaeed? Where would I go? I'd be a fucking fugitive. They'd strip me of my Spectre status and rank. I'd have no ship, no government backing or resources. What would I do? How could I stop the reapers then?”

 

“ How the fuck are you going to stop them now?”

 

Shepard looked away, angry. “I don't know, but I'll... I guess I'll just have to hope that they'll believe me.”

 

“ They haven't believed you up till now! What the hell makes you think they'll change their goddamn minds?”

 

Gabe pushed the merc off his lap, lit a cigarette, and stood to pace.

 

Zaeed continued, “Go to Omega. You can stay hidden there while you come up with a plan. Liara's the damn Shadow Broker now. Maybe you can become an agent for her and she can get you the resources you need? Or talk to Aria T'loak. She's a goddamn selfish bitch, but the one thing she cares about preserving in this whole fucking galaxy is herself. When she realizes the threat is real, she'll help you.”

 

Shepard seemed to be warming up to the idea. Liara would help him. So would Aria. For whatever reason, the asari queen of Omega had taken a liking to him, and she had resources at her disposal – ships, mercs, and a shit load of eezo. Suddenly he stopped and deflated. “What about Caleb?”

 

“ What about him?”

 

He sighed and flopped back onto the couch. “If I go rogue, I won't be able to see him. Lily won't want me to have anything to do with him. Besides, what kind of example would I be setting for him if I run away from my responsibilities?”

 

“ I knew you were a goddamn bleeding heart underneath all that meanness,” Zaeed grumbled. He took Shepard's hand in his own, toying with his fingers and refusing to meet the younger man's eyes.

 

“ I'm sorry,” Gabe whispered.

 

“ Me too.” The merc sighed and rubbed a hand down his face. “Let's go shower and go out to dinner, eh?”

 

“ Sounds good to me.”

 

“ You're buying,” Zaeed tossed over his shoulder as he made his way into the bedroom.

 

**

 

Shepard sat in a metal chair in an Alliance interrogation room on the Citadel. He wore his Alliance dress blues and laughed at the irony that he'd been reinstated as a Commander in the Alliance Navy only to have his rank stripped in just a few hours. It was several minutes before Caleb, Lily, and Zaeed were ushered into the room to say their goodbyes. Caleb burst into tears and threw his arms around Gabe's neck.

 

“ Don't go, Dad. Please don't go.”

 

“ I don't have a choice, Caleb. I'm sorry.” He looked up to see Lily quietly brushing the tears from her own eyes. After several minutes of whispered encouragements, Caleb pulled himself together and stood straighter, drying his eyes. Gabe hugged Lily then transferred some money to her to help with Caleb. She gave him a disapproving look, but didn't say anything.

 

Zaeed was leaned against the back wall, observing the whole interaction. Shepard seemed a changed man from the bitter, hardass he was when Zaeed had met him. Oh he was still mean as hell and rough around the edges, but something had softened within him since Caleb and Lily had come into his life. It was a good change, Zaeed couldn't help but note. 

 

Suddenly, fiery blue eyes were focused on him, and the merc sucked in a sharp breath as Shepard stalked across the room towards him. Their lips met briefly, then Gabe sighed and rested his forehead against Zaeed's. “Keep an eye on them for me?”

 

Zaeed nodded. “Anything you want. You know that.”

 

Shepard exhaled sharply. “There's... there's things I need to say.”

 

“ Save it, Shepard.”

 

Pain flashed in his blue eyes, but he nodded and brought their lips back together, fingers stroking the scars on the merc's cheek. Zaeed held him tight, and Gabe returned the embrace, burying his face against his neck. He inhaled deeply – smoke, soap, gun oil... all things Zaeed – as if he was trying to memorize the scent. The door opened and two MP's entered the room. “I love you,” Shepard whispered then turned to followed the MP's out the door.

 

With a sigh, Zaeed led the boy and his mother out of the building. Of course the Alliance was going to make a show of bringing in the  _ disgraced _ Commander Shepard. Zaeed had no desire to watch them make a spectacle of the man, but Caleb insisted that they stay until Shepard was gone. The sidewalk was already crowded with onlookers and reporters, so the trio took up a place near the shuttle that would carry Shepard to Arcturus. The Normandy had already been impounded by the Alliance.

 

Zaeed was surprised to see Admiral Hackett himself escorting the Commander toward the shuttle with a hand on his arm. Shepard had been handcuffed, but he stared straight ahead, face stony, as he marched forward. Cameras flashed from everywhere, but if it disturbed Shepard – and Zaeed knew bloody well that it did – he didn't let on. When he reached them, Caleb stepped out in front of the man he believed to be his father – the man who in his heart had accepted the boy as his own son – and saluted him – showing him the respect that he was owed but had been denied by the Alliance. Hackett smiled tightly and undid Shepard's handcuffs so that he could return the salute.

 

Caleb's voice held a slight quaver, but he refused to let his tears fall as he held his salute, “I love you, dad.”

 

Shepard's voice was equally thick with emotion, but he kept his face stoic, “I love you too, son. I'm proud as hell of you.” The boy beamed under his adoptive father's praise, and Shepard lowered his arm, pulling the boy in for one last embrace. “Be strong for your mom, okay?”

 

“ Yes, sir!”

 

Gabe locked eyes with Zaeed one last time before he entered the shuttle, and then he was gone. Zaeed felt an immediate emptiness in his chest, that he knew wouldn't feel complete until he was holding Gabriel Shepard in his arms again. He took Caleb and Lily home, declining their offer to stay for dinner, then went to his apartment to polish off a bottle of scotch that Shepard had left at his place.

 

The video clip of Gabe and his son saluting each other and their shared parting words would be played almost non-stop for the next two weeks while the media speculated relentlessly about who the child was and where he'd come from. Eventually someone found the altered birth certificate, and sympathy for Shepard and his recently reconciled family swelled to the point that there were protesters demanding the Commander's release outside of every Alliance office on Earth and the Citadel for weeks after his arrest.

 

Unfortunately, it did little good. No one knew it, but it would be six months before Gabe Shepard saw the light of day again. And by then, it could very well be too late.

  
  



	15. Chapter 15

_ From: C. Tanner _

 

_ To: G. Shepard _

 

_ Subject: Miss You _

 

_ Dad, _

 

_ I hope that you are doing well. I really miss you. School is going well, and I tried out for the basketball team. I won't know until next week if I made it or not. Mom let Lana and me go to the movies together. We held hands, but that was all. I wish you could be here so that I could talk to you about girl stuff. It's weird to write it in a letter. _

 

_ I love you, Dad. I hope they let you out soon. _

 

_ Caleb _

 

_ ** _

 

_ From: G. Shepard _

 

_ To: C. Tanner _

 

_ Subject: re: Miss You _

 

_ I miss you too. I'm glad to hear that things are going well. _

 

_ A date huh? Good for you! Maybe I never said this before, but I should have. There's no shame in waiting till you're ready to take the next step. I've discovered that there is something to be said for just spending time with someone you care about. _

 

_ How's your mom? Have you seen Zaeed at all? Would you tell him I miss him, too? I'm not allowed to message him. _

 

_ Things are going as well as can be expected here. I only get to go outside for a couple of hours a day, and I have to stay inside the walled courtyard. But, I do have access to the shooting range and the gym. I'm not allowed any visitors other than my bodyguards. One of them, James Vega, is pretty cool. We play cards sometimes, other than that, I mostly sit around reading books, watching vids, and contemplating ways to break out. _

 

_ I love you too, son. Write me again soon! _

 

_ Love, _

_ Dad _

 

_ ** _

 

_ From: C. Tanner _

 

_ To: G. Shepard _

 

_ Subject: Basketball _

 

_ I did it! I made the team! We start practice tomorrow. I wish you could be here to come to my games. _

 

_ Mom is doing good. _

 

_ Zaeed has been real nice. He does swear a lot though, and mom doesn't like that. He takes me to dinner every week, and sometimes he takes me to the shooting range. It took him a lot of convincing to get mom to let me go without you there. I like it. I'm actually thinking about joining the Alliance when I'm eighteen. He said to tell you that he loves and misses you. He left the Citadel this morning. He said he had a bounty to collect and he would be gone a few weeks. I think it's been hard for him, not having you here. _

 

_ It's been hard for all of us. _

 

_ Love you, dad. _

  
  


_ Caleb _

 

_ ** _

 

_ From: G. Shepard _

 

_ To: C. Tanner _

 

_ Subject: re: Basketball _

 

_ Congratulations! I'm so proud of you for making the team. Maybe your mom can send me some videos of your games? _

 

_ Sorry about Zaeed's language. He's not used to having to filter it. Neither am I really. Sailors and mercenaries are notorious for foul language. Tell your mom that we'll try to do better. If you see him again tell him I love him too. _

 

_ How's school? You didn't mention Lana in your last message? Everything okay there? _

 

_ The Alliance, huh? Well, I suppose it's been good for me, although it's hard to write that from an Alliance prison cell. I hope you'll at least consider going to college instead. You're a smart kid. You would do well, and I can pay for it. I've already transferred enough money to your mom to pay for the first year. Think about it please. For me. _

 

_ Things are the same old same old for me. I nearly have Blasto memorized word for word. I am having to go talk to the defense committee several times a week. Maybe what I'm saying is getting through. I don't know. _

 

_ Keep me posted on your basketball season. I love and miss you like crazy. _

 

_ Love, _

_ Dad _

 

_ ** _

 

_ From: C. Tanner _

 

_ To: G. Shepard _

 

_ Subject: Zaeed _

 

_ Shepard, this is Zaeed. The boy let me send you a message through his comm badge. It's the only way I could communicate with you. We didn't tell his mum. _

 

_ I fucking miss the hell out of you. I can't wait for the Alliance to pull their collective heads out of their arses and let you go. I had a bounty on Omega, and all I could think about the whole damned time was that shithole is where we met. You've turned me into a goddamn lovesick sap, Shepard. _

 

_ The kid's doing great. I've been trying to go to his basketball games because I know that's what you would want me to do. You've got me doing all sorts of crazy, family, domestic shit, you goddamn bastard. He's a natural with a sniper rifle... just like his old man. He's so much like you that it makes my heart hurt sometimes, Shepard. _

 

_ I'm about to come bust you out. _

 

_ Love you, _

 

_ Zaeed _

 

_ ** _

 

_ From: G. Shepard _

 

_ To: C. Tanner _

 

_ Subject: re: Zaeed _

 

_ Caleb, _

 

_ I hope you didn't read that last message from Zaeed. If not, then don't. It's full of language that your mother wouldn't approve of. That said, can you forward this message to him? _

 

_ Zaeed, _

 

_ I fucking miss you too! More than you know! I'm bored out of my damn mind here. Nothing to do, and nowhere to go. You know I'm not one to sit around on my ass all day. I've been driving my bodyguards nuts by prowling up and down the halls at all hours of the night. I'm afraid they're going to start locking me in at night. If that happens, I'll be left with no choice but to try to escape. It's starting to feel like the damned walls are closing in on me. _

 

_ What is the world coming to when the most fearsome bounty hunter in the galaxy is mooning over some disgraced former military commander and Spectre? Now which one of us is the goddamn bleeding heart? _

 

_ I meant what I said, Zaeed. I love you. Sorry it took me so damn long to say it. Miss you. Wish you were here. _

 

_ Not really. You'd go fucking crazy. _

 

_ Wish I was there. _

 

_ Love you, _

_ Gabe _

 

_ PS: If I thought for a second that Caleb wasn't going to read this, I would have a lot more to say about our reunion, if and when I get out. As it is, you'll just have to use your imagination. _

 

_ PPS: Caleb... do not tell your mother about this. She'll kick my ass. Love you too. _

 

**

 

Gabe lumbered toward his cell. Five months of little to no contact with the outside world – of no Zaeed – was taking its toll. The demons that Shepard had fought so hard against after his resurrection had once again taken up residence in his mind. Nightmares were his constant companions, and he'd been reprimanded more than once for taking things a step too far while sparring with James or one of his other guards. He was losing his damned mind.

 

So far everything he'd told the defense committee had gone in one ear and out the other. No one was listening. No one was preparing for the upcoming war. There was no escape, for any of them, and the entirety of the Alliance brass – hell, the galactic leadership – truly believed their biggest problems were pirates and slavers on the edges of the Terminus. Shepard wanted to scream, though he knew it would serve no purpose other than making his throat hoarse. He hadn't been this low since the months following the attack on Mindoir. Once again, he felt alone, listless.

 

“ Looks like you've got visitors, Commander,” James Vega said from behind him.

 

Gabe glanced up, feet freezing to the floor. Admiral Hackett stood by the door to his cell, but Shepard ignored him completely. All his attention was focused on the mercenary standing beside him, leaned against the goddamn wall just as he had been the first time Shepard had visited him in the starboard cargo room. Gabe's heart leapt in his chest, and he closed the distance with three long strides.

 

Not caring who was watching, Shepard gripped the man's face in his hands, and kissed him, long and bruising. All their longing and pent up frustration was bound in that kiss, and when they pulled away, both men were breathless and laughing. “What the hell are you doing here?”

 

“ Finally got Admiral Tightass to let me come see you,” Zaeed said with a cheeky grin.

 

Shepard saluted the Admiral, and Hackett laughed. “What? No kiss for me, Shepard?”

 

Gabe flipped him off, and the three of them entered his room. Zaeed frowned as he glanced around the tiny space. Hell of a way to treat the savior of the galaxy. It could have been worse, he supposed. At least Shepard had some of the comforts of home. The room was only slightly smaller than his cabin aboard the Normandy, though there were no fish tanks or display cases. There was a couch and a vid screen, a private bath and a comfortable-looking bed. Zaeed hoped Hackett would leave them alone soon so they could try it out.

 

Hackett produced a bottle of scotch and poured them each a glass. “What's the fucking occasion?” Gabe asked warily.

 

“ No occasion,” the Admiral said. “I just finally got the brass to ease up enough to let you have visitors. Thought you might feel like celebrating. Caleb and Lily are on their way. Should be here by tomorrow.”

 

“ Really?” Shepard's voice was soft, and a fond smile broke out on his face. “Thanks,” he said gruffly, trying to keep his emotions in check.

 

Hackett took his leave after only one drink, knowing the men would want some privacy. He left them the bottle of scotch. Stepping into the hall, he dismissed Vega for a couple of hours so that Shepard and Massani wouldn't be overheard. “I promise he's not going to try to go anywhere for awhile,” Hackett said with a wink that made the lieutenant blush.

 

When they were alone, Gabe moved to straddle Zaeed, who was seated on the couch. Their mouths met for a rough kiss. The long overdue contact was like a balm to both their aching souls. “I missed you so much... so fucking much,” Gabe murmured against his lover's lips.

 

“ Me too. Goddamn it you feel good.”

 

“ I was at the gym. I'm all sweaty and dirty.”

 

“ I've told you before... I like you sweaty and dirty.”

 

Shepard groaned and let his head fall back as the merc kneaded his ass and nipped at his neck. “Suck me?”

 

“ Oh, hell yes.”

 

Gabe stood and dropped his shorts, hands trembling. He braced one hand on the wall behind the couch where Massani sat. The other hand tangled in the merc's hair so he could guide the man's movements, then he fed his cock into Zaeed's mouth and thrust shallowly.

 

“ Jesus,” Shepard breathed. “I've been dreaming about your lips on my dick for so fucking long. It feels better than I remembered.”

 

The merc hummed in agreement, and Shepard's breath hitched. His pace increased as Zaeed's tongue worked him over, swirling and twirling around the head, dipping into the slit, then curling around the length of him again. He tugged on Shepard's balls then rolled them between his fingers. His gazed stayed locked on Gabe's sapphire eyes, shining down on him with love and affection.

 

“ Ah shit, I'm gonna come,” Shepard keened just before he erupted into his lover's mouth.

 

Zaeed milked him dry, licking him clean before standing and moving them toward the bed. He undressed them slowly and pressed the younger man into the mattress, spreading himself out on top of him. Their lips met in a tender caress, soft and gentle. Zaeed kept his movements slow – savoring the feel of the man beneath him and the familiar warmth that filled his hollow chest. Fuck, he'd missed him so much. How it had happened, he wasn't sure, but Shepard had consumed him. When they were separated, Gabe's absence was like a black hole in his soul, sucking the life out of everything and devouring it.

 

“ Never letting you go again, Gabe,” he murmured as he kissed the smooth skin of the man's neck. “You taste so goddamn good.”

 

Shepard laughed – music to Massani's tired ears – and tilted his head back offering more of his throat up to the merc's lips. “I want you inside me,” Gabe whispered. His body bucked against the one pinning him down as Zaeed's finger brushed across his entrance. Shepard whined at the loss of contact when the merc stood up and crossed the room to rifle through his bag for the lube he'd packed. He was already warming it between his fingers when he returned to the bed, wasting no time opening the man up. They both sighed with relief at the sensation of filling and being filled – the union of their bodies reinforcing the union of their hearts. They kept the pace languorous, enjoying the feel and taste of one another. Zaeed grinned as he felt the younger man hardening between them. Yeah. It had been way too damn long.

 

For two hours, nothing existed outside the room they were in. Gabe hadn't made the time – hadn't had the strength or courage – to tell Zaeed how he really felt before being incarcerated, so he spent the time correcting that mistake. After years of cutting himself off from any emotions other than lust or anger, Shepard gave himself over to Zaeed completely. He let his lips and fingers and tongue express the thoughts he could never put into words. Every inch of Zaeed's body was lavished with tender devotion, and when they reached the climax, it was together, Zaeed's lips pressed against Gabe's ear, murmuring “I love you.”

 

The bed was much too small for them, but they didn't care. Gabe curled his body around Zaeed's and they laid like that, talking and catching up on all they'd missed in the last five months. They'd just begun to doze when James buzzed the door. “Uh... Commander, I have your dinner.”

 

“ Give me a minute, Vega,” Shepard sighed. James wisely said nothing when he opened the door to find the Commander in nothing but his boxers, neck and chest covered with love bites. He brought the food in and set it on the table trying to ignore the naked mercenary in the bed and the way the room smelled like sweat and sex.

 

“ So... I guess we're postponing our poker game tonight?”

 

Shepard laughed and guided him back out the door with a hand on his shoulder. “Kinda busy tonight, Vega,” he winked as the door closed between them. Turning, he found a naked Zaeed already stealing food from his tray. “Hey! That's all I get!”

 

“ I'll go get you something else,” Zaeed said. “I'm fucking hungry.”

 

“ So am I!” He slapped the merc's hand away from the tray. Zaeed laughed and pulled him over for a kiss.

 

“ I'll be back in a few minutes. There's a Chinese place around the corner. Sound good?”

 

“ Anything other than fucking cafeteria food sounds good,” Shepard said. “See if you can smuggle in some beer!”

 

Zaeed laughed and pulled his clothes on, stealing one more kiss and a bite of beef stroganoff from the Commander's plate before walking out the door. Gabe fell onto the couch with a sigh of contentment. For the first time in months, all felt right with the galaxy.

  
  


**

 

Zaeed came to see him nearly every day for the next month. There was a span of a few days when he had to go collect on a bounty, but Gabe found that the loneliness was much more bearable this time around, knowing it would only be a few days instead of an indeterminate amount of time before he could see him again. After their initial visit, he'd been allowed to video conference with Caleb and Lily as well. All in all, he was starting to feel like he might survive his confinement. Though the question of when exactly the reapers would be showing up still ate away at him. He'd seen too much not to think it would be sooner rather than later, and with each day that passed, the knot of dread in his stomach grew bigger and bigger.

 

He was watching a little boy playing with a toy ship in the yard across the way when he felt two strong arms wrap around his waist. Zaeed bit lightly on his neck before dragging his tongue up to swirl around Gabe's ear. It was a flurry of kisses and flying clothes after that, and they tumbled into the bed together. Shepard drove into the man beneath him, panting with every surge of his hips as the all-consuming fire built within them. He hitched one of Zaeed's legs over his shoulder, then leaned down to cover the man's mouth with his own. He was stopped mid-thrust by a knock at the door.

 

“ Ignore it,” Zaeed demanded, and Shepard resumed his movements, feeling an almost desperate need to bring them to release now.

 

“ Commander,” James called through the door. “The defense committee needs to see you, sir. They said it's urgent.”

 

“ Fuck,” Shepard spat. “Alright.... just... give me a fucking minute.”

 

Zaeed sighed with resignation. “We are going to finish this when you get back!”

 

“ Definitely,” Gabe breathed, planting a sloppy kiss on his lover's mouth. The merc was still buttoning his shirt when Vega opened the door.

 

“ Sorry,” the lieutenant muttered rubbing his neck.

 

“ It's fine,” Shepard said tersely. “Let's go.”

 

**

 

Shepard had been gone for less than ten minutes when all hell broke loose. Zaeed had rented a room near Alliance headquarters and after stuffing as many of Gabe's clothes into a duffel as he could, he took off at a sprint toward his apartment. The street below was sheer pandemonium, but the only thing the merc could think of was Shepard. Had he made it to his meeting? Hell, had he made it  _ out _ of the meeting?

 

As a prisoner, his communication with the outside world had been cut off. The only time he was allowed to contact anyone had been under supervision. There was no way to call him, so Zaeed did the next best thing. Kitted in full armor, weapons strapped to his back, he raced in the direction of the Alliance shipyard. He'd scoped out the Normandy's location his first day in town, and he knew that if there was any hope of Shepard being evacuated, it would be aboard that ship.

 

Husks were dropping out of the bloody sky, and Zaeed killed them without remorse, knowing that he'd rather be dead than turned into that. A new breed of monster greeted him when he rounded the corner into the shipyard. The Normandy's engines were already humming in the distance, and he knew if he wasn't on board when it lifted off, he'd never leave this planet alive.

 

He had to get to Gabe. There was no way he could abandon him now. Not after all they'd been through, not after how far Shepard had come. The new husks, wearing batarian faces, were much more evolved than the simple things they'd gotten used to fighting. Whenever an enemy fell, they would drop to the ground, cannibalizing whatever they could off the corpse. They still died with a bullet to the brain, though, and Zaeed was more than glad to do his part.

 

Clearing the shipyard was a lost cause. Soldiers and civilians alike ran screaming through the hordes of mindless beasts. In the distance, a frigate exploded, raining flaming debris around their heads. The Normandy's gangway was in sight. He just had to make it aboard the ship, find Shepard, and somehow they had to figure out a way to win this damned war. The odds had been stacked against them from the beginning, and now they had no time. Their chances of success were slim and none, but if Zaeed was going to die, he was going to go down fighting. And come hell or high water, he was going to do it with Gabriel Shepard at his side. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a little hiatus from posting this so I could get all my [holiday fics](http://archiveofourown.org/series/893154) done. Beginning next week, I'll be posting two chapters a week on Monday and Wednesday! :)

Lieutenant Vega and Commander Williams were charging up the Normandy's boarding ramp as Zaeed reached the ship. Ashley scowled at him briefly, and he waited for her to try and stop him from joining them. That wasn't about to happen. He opened his mouth to tell her so, but she held up a hand to stave off his argument, waving him forward.

 

Throngs of people rushed the ship, knowing it was their only means of escape. Their desperate faces would haunt Zaeed for the rest of his life, but they were beyond his help at the moment. What mattered was getting to Shepard. He fired a warning into the air above their heads, and it distracted the crowd long enough for the three of them to slip into the airlock.

 

“Can't we do something about this bloody decon protocol?”

 

“Shepard and Anderson are the only ones with the clearance to override it,” Ashley sighed. “Just settle down. We're all well aware of the urgency of the situation.”

 

The malice in his eyes let her know that he didn't appreciate her condescension, but he held his tongue. The doors slid open, and Zaeed brushed past his companions. “Where's Shepard?” he demanded of Joker.

 

“By a downed gunship in the harbor,” the pilot returned. “He and Anderson have activated a distress beacon. We were just waiting for you guys to join the party.”

 

“Well, get us the fuck out of here, then. He may not have much time.”

 

“Excuse me, but I'm the ranking officer on this ship,” Ashley informed him.

 

Zaeed had no desire to get into a pissing match with this girl, so he once again bit off his bitter reply. “Shepard is the captain of this ship,” he said instead, barely concealed fury lacing his words. “Let us remember the urgency of the situation,” he threw her own words back at her, wondering what exactly Shepard and Hackett had seen in the woman besides a great rack.

 

He considered himself too old and pragmatic for jealousy, but it surged through his chest all the same. Gabe had been a different person before Zaeed knew him. He'd changed in so many ways over the last year it was hard to catalog, and Shepard had told Zaeed – hell, he'd flat out told Williams – that it had meant nothing to him. Ignoring both the woman and the twinge in his gut, he focused on what was important. The “urgency of the situation.”

 

“It's good to see you have your priorities straight, Williams,” Joker said as his hands moved furiously over the holographic controls in front of him.

 

“Bite me, Joker,” Ashley huffed. “Let's just get the hell out of here.”

 

“Damn, I've missed your cheery demeanor.”

 

“If I didn't need you to fly this ship, I'd snap you in half,” she said.

 

“God, you've gotten  _ mean _ .”

 

Once the ship was airborne, Zaeed left the bickering soldiers in the cockpit, making his way to the cargo hold. The upgrades he saw were impressive. A handful of marines were milling about, some of them looking like they were going to puke, all of them looking equal parts terrified and ashamed. They must have made it onto the ship after the initial invasion. Zaeed would have called them cowards for abandoning the people they were sworn to protect, but hell, it was all just a matter of survival at this point. People would die. There was no way around it. The name of the game now was taking as many Reapers as possible with you when you went, and hoping to god that someone managed to fire the kill shot on the damned things before it was too late.

 

He pointed at a group of them with weapons already on their backs, motioning for them to come as he opened the bay doors. Three marines followed him to the opening, pulling their helmets on as they went, and as the ship dipped low, hovering above a destroyed gunship, they flanked him on either side, offering covering fire for Shepard and Anderson as they raced toward the ramp. Zaeed grabbed Gabe's hand as he made a leap toward him, hoisting him into the ship. The ground below them had been a massacre. Thankfully it was mostly enemy bodies littering the field. This time.

 

He watched impassively as Shepard argued with Anderson, stopping just short of begging the Admiral to come with them. Zaeed understood both their positions. It was hard to know what the right choice was - if there was such a thing in this situation - but he did know that Anderson had to do what he could live with. Hell, that’s all any of them could do.

 

There were so many regrets – chances not taken, things left unsaid, places unseen. For a few brief moments, Zaeed had lived in some illusion that he and Shepard had time. That prison would be a short lived event – a blip on the radar – in the grand scheme of their lives. That Shepard would figure out a way to prevent the invasion from happening. That they'd retire together on a beach somewhere, or team up as mercenary and Spectre to continue ridding the galaxy of lowlife scum. It had all been nothing more than a fool's fantasy, and he cursed himself. Such silly, romantic notions were beneath his dignity, and he'd seen too much shit in his life to believe in fairytales. Something about Gabriel Shepard made him want to believe in them, though. Hell, maybe Shepard wasn't the only one who'd been changed by this relationship.

 

Still, it was good to see Gabe in one piece. Bruises and scrapes marred his face and arms, and his ruined uniform was clinging to bloody skin in more than one place. He was fucking alive, though, and that was more than he could have hoped for. He took in Shepard's face, anger twisting his features into a fearsome mask. It was nearly unfathomable that less than an hour ago, they'd been in Shepard's tiny cell fucking, having no clue what was about to happen. Gabe caught Massani's eyes, and there was a brief flash of fear and worry before he slid the mantle of Commander Shepard back into place.

 

Zaeed could admit that it awed him. How Gabe could so easily slip into the role of Alliance Commander and Spectre whenever he had need of it. From where he stood, there was no way they were going to survive this, no way in hell they could possibly win. The red lasers painting the Vancouver sky made it impossible to believe, but there was something about Shepard that inspired hope – even in a worn down, old merc like him.

 

He watched as Gabe strode toward the armor locker, pulling out the black and red set that he'd left on the ship when he'd turned himself in. The one that made him look like a sex god and a demon from hell at the same damned time. He saw the wonder and respect Shepard inspired in the marines lining one side of the cargo hold. Watched as he barked orders, and those under his command scurried to obey. Commanding troops was what Shepard fell back on in times of uncertainty. It was the one thing Gabe knew he was good at, knew he could count on. Zaeed had seen him do it before. In the face of a suicide mission that none of them were supposed to survive, Shepard had held the ship together by the strength of his will, the authority of his voice, and the most stubborn, goddamn determination Zaeed had ever seen. If anyone could get this done, it'd be Shepard.

 

When he'd first been approached by Cerberus, he hadn't bought into the hype. A shit ton of credits, the chance to put his skills to the ultimate test, a grandiose mission to save humanity – it had all sounded like an interesting diversion if nothing else. He hadn't counted on the young Commander being so damned inspiring, nor so fucking sexy. But he'd fallen for Shepard, been taken in by his charisma, by that same bloody stubborn streak that not only made him a victor on every battlefield, but made him pursue what he wanted with dogged tenacity. He'd never believed in anything in his life – not god, not an afterlife – but he believed in Gabriel Shepard. If anyone could end this, it would be him.

 

When Shepard turned to face him with a gleam in his eye and a feral grin, licking his lips in anticipation of the battle to come, Zaeed couldn't help returning it. He followed his lover into the shuttle knowing that no matter how short, it was going to be a hell of a ride.

 

**

 

“You're staring at his ass,” Vega murmured from beside Zaeed.

 

“Can you fucking blame me?”

 

Shepard and Williams were arguing as the lift carried the group into the Mars research station. He could hear the agitation in Gabe's voice, but he was ignoring everything Williams had to say. Anyone who spent more than ten minutes in the man's presence would know that he was the real deal. If Williams wanted to hold onto her bitterness, that was her business, Zaeed wasn't about to get sucked into the middle of it.

 

“Dude's asses aren't really my thing, if ya get me,” James said. Zaeed snorted.

 

“Listen, Williams,” Shepard's voice drew the bystanders into the conversation, “fate has decreed that our lives intersect in the most bizarre ways, and since you're boffing my boyfriend's best friend, I'm afraid you're fucking stuck with me. I'm sure as shit not going anywhere.”

 

“Wait!” Zaeed stepped forward, uncrossing his arms. “Did you just call me your 'boyfriend'?” A little thrill raced through his heart, but he kept his face neutral save a smirk of amusement.

 

“Yeah, I did,” Shepard said, scowling. “Got a problem with it, old man?”

 

“Not at all, but if you think you're going to start calling me ‘old man,’ then I'm going to bend you over my knee and whip your ass like the little punk that you are.”

 

“Now there's an interesting idea,” Gabe said, with a wolfish grin.

 

Williams and Vega exchanged a look, uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken. When the squad arrived inside the base's shuttle bay, all arguments and conversations died in the wake of the mission. That didn't keep ideas from running through Zaeed's mind the whole damned time. Bloody hell, this man was going to be the death of him.

 

**

 

Shepard's cabin was a goddamned mess. Zaeed busied himself with trying to make it a livable space while Gabe dealt with the fallout from the mission to Mars. Crates of supplies littered the floor, and he dug through them, unpacking items that would prove useful, figuring most of it probably belonged to Anderson. The Admiral's personal effects were packed carefully in another crate. Gabe didn't often spare the energy to care about anyone, but Anderson had earned Shepard's respect at the very least. Zaeed knew he'd want to save these things for the Admiral.

 

He didn't envy Shepard's job at the moment, having to tell Hackett that Williams had been critically injured and might not make it. It was just the first of many, and they both knew it. Shame it had to be someone Steven cared about, though. His friend had been through enough in his lifetime, but hell, who hadn't? The war wasn't choosy about who it eliminated. The best any of them could do was merely try to survive to the bitter end, no matter what that end may be.

 

Shepard's eyes were haunted when he entered the cabin. It was the first time he'd had a moment to stop and think since the attack, and the reality of it all was sinking in. Zaeed watched it carry the color from Gabe's face with it. Their eyes met, and Shepard closed the distance between them quickly, teeth biting at his lips as they collided. Zaeed wrapped his arms around his lover, moving them toward the unmade bed. They hastily stripped each other's clothes off as they went, and fell onto the mattress. Shepard hooked Zaeed's leg over his shoulder, an exact copy of their position earlier – before the reapers came and everything went to hell.

 

Gabe spit in his hand, thrusting into Zaeed's body after reassuring himself the man was still ready. Shepard kissed him quickly, then sat up, holding Massani's leg with one hand, stroking his cock with the other. It didn't take either of them long to climax, and Gabe sat on his knees, letting go of Zaeed's leg, pulling himself out of the merc's body. He trembled with the remnants of sex and the weight of the responsibility that shrouded him.

 

“What did Hackett say?” It was the first thing spoken since Gabe had come back from his call. Zaeed sat up, running his hands up and down Shepard's arms, trying to get him to open up just a little. They'd come too far to regress now. He wasn't going to let Shepard close in on himself like he'd done all his life.

 

“I have to go talk to the Council.” Shepard's voice was flat and monotone.

 

“The hell for? They've never helped before now.”

 

Shepard grunted, a bitter smile flitting across his lips. “No. They haven't.” He sighed and shifted, laying across the bed on his back, arms tucked behind his head. “Hackett's looking at the plans for the device that we found.  _ Fuck!  _ A blueprint for some machine that we don't even know what it does. That's all we've got! And I'm supposed to go to the Council with that shit and get them to help us. Fat fucking chance,” he scoffed.

 

Zaeed lay on his side next to the man, draping an arm over his torso. They were quiet for long minutes, nothing but the hum of engines and the gurgling of the empty fish tank breaking the silence.

 

“Can I do this?” Shepard whispered toward the ceiling, refusing to meet Zaeed's eyes.

 

“I believe in you, Gabe,” Zaeed told him instantly, and it was true.

 

“Come with me, Zaeed. I can't do it alone.” There was a pleading in his blue eyes when he finally looked at the merc. It was nearly enough to break Zaeed's heart.

 

“You bet your ass. Nowhere else I'd rather be.”

 

**

 

Shepard blew past Lily and into the apartment when she opened the door. “Where's Caleb?”

 

“Still at school. Gabe, what's wrong?”

 

He gripped her shoulders and forced her to look at him. “I want you and Caleb to come with me – on the Normandy.”

 

“Why? Is that even possible?”

 

“Families live on Alliance vessels all the time. The Normandy is the safest place in the galaxy right now. I don't know how long the Citadel will be safe.”

 

“I don't know, Gabe. It's... what about my job?”

 

“Lily, let me be frank – the only thing that matters right now is surviving until the end of this war. Money, governments, infrastructure, everything is crumbling as we speak. For all intents and purposes, there is no Alliance government at the moment. Udina is the only diplomat of any rank still alive, and he's fucking dirty. I'd bet my goddamn life on it. I just haven't found the proof yet.

 

“I have enough money to take care of us. You can liquidate your bank account so that you'll have something when the war is over. I'm having a will drawn up that will leave all my money in a trust fund for Caleb with an annual stipend to help you take care of him until he turns eighteen. All my personal effects will go to Zaeed. I... highly doubt that I'll still be around when the war is over. Let me help you while I can.”

 

With a sob, she threw her arms around his neck, “Gabe, don't talk like that.”

 

“I'm just trying to be realistic,” he said, returning her embrace. “I'm already living on borrowed time. This may be the last chance I have to spend time with Caleb. There's nowhere I can send you where I would feel confident that you'll escape what's coming. Lily... it's going to be fucking... you have no idea how bad it's going to be – how bad it already is, and the thought of you or Caleb being turned into...  _ Please... _ come with me!”

 

“Okay,” she said, nodding against his shoulder. “Okay. We will.”

 

“Good,” he sighed with relief. “Good. I'm leaving in a few hours to go to Palaven. I'll be back in four days. Be ready to go then, alright?”

 

“So soon?”

 

“Yes. The reapers aren't slowing down anytime soon. We'll come back to the Citadel as often as possible, but pack enough stuff to last six months just to be sure. Sell your furniture and let the apartment go. You can stay at Zaeed's place when we're docked. Settle all your legal affairs. I'll have the will ready for you to sign when I come back.”

 

“Thank you... you don't know what it means to me.”

 

“It's the least I can do. I'm going to see Caleb at school before I leave. I wish I had more time, but... things are already desperate, and it's not going to get any better.”

 

“How bad was it on Earth?” she asked quietly.

 

Shepard fell onto the sofa and rested his forehead in his hands. “You wouldn't believe it. Millions dead in minutes. Arcturus station obliterated in seconds. They hit the batarians first and they're basically done now. Khar'shan was destroyed. They've already hit Palaven, and by Sparatus' reports things are just as fucking bad there. I'm to go rescue the Primarch and bring him to a war summit – for all the fucking good a meeting will do. One blast from a reaper can cut a frigate in two. I don't know how in the hell we're going to win this.”

 

“If anyone can find a way, you can. You've built a career on accomplishing the impossible.”

 

“That's what they tell me,” he muttered. “I'm going to go. Don't forget what I said. Be ready in four days. I'll call when I'm on my way.”

 

“Be careful, Gabe.”

 

“You bet.” 

 


	17. Chapter 17

Wherever Gabe was on the ship, Caleb wanted to be as well. They'd had to set some ground rules. When Shepard was working or when he and Zaeed were alone in the captain's quarters, Caleb had to send a message through EDI requesting permission to come find him. They had narrowly avoided a couple of embarrassing incidents before they'd hit upon that idea. He and Lily had only been on the ship a week, and she'd already pulled Gabe aside more than once to ask him and Zaeed to please reign in the language whenever Caleb was around.

 

She would, therefore, not be pleased about the current situation. Most of the men had gathered in the lounge with Wrex and Primarch Victus to play poker and smoke cigars and shoot the bull. Vega was half lit and liked to boast of his sexual conquests when he was drunk. Wrex was describing what it was like to rip a turian's head crests off with his bare hands in graphic detail. Zaeed was giving a vivid recapping of their mission on Zorya to kill Vido Santiago colored with plenty of expletives. Gabe was enjoying himself and so was Caleb. Perhaps the boy was enjoying it a little too much.

 

“Alright, Caleb,” Gabe said before Vega got to the  _ good part _ of his latest conquest, “time for everyone under the age of eighteen to hit the rack.”

 

“Awww, man... Please dad? Can't I stay up a little longer?”

 

“Nope. Sorry. Your mom's going to kill me as it is. Off you go.”

 

Caleb was sulking and taking his sweet time to get out the door, but before he could leave, Lily walked in with her hands on her hips. “Gabe! What the hell?”

 

“Ah, Jesus. I was sending him to bed, Lily.”

 

“Can I speak to you in private?” she asked, and he got the feeling it wasn't actually a request.

 

“Can it wait? I'm in the middle of-”

 

“No. It cannot wait!”

 

With a huff, Shepard stood and tossed his cards on the table, grinding his cigarette out in the ashtray. He ignored the snickering men behind him, and followed her to the starboard lounge. Caleb grabbed his things and went to take a shower and get ready for bed. “Gabe,” she said when they were alone. “You're going to have to be more careful about what you expose him to.”

 

“I'm trying, Lily. Honestly I am. This is a navy ship. There's a reason for the saying  _ cussing like a sailor _ . I'm sorry. I do the best I can, but the truth is, he's going to be exposed to these things sooner or later. He's probably already been exposed to more than you realize at school. Let him have a little fun. I sent him to bed before things got too out of hand.”

 

“This is... I'm just not used to all this. It's been... difficult for me. Caleb has his school work to occupy himself, but... there's nothing for me to do.”

 

“You want a job?”

 

“Please.”

 

“Done. We'll meet in the morning to go over the details. I already have something in mind.”

 

“Okay,” she sighed. “Thank you.”

 

“Is that it? Are we good?”

 

“I feel like I'm wasting my breath here, but... please... just try to remember that he's still a kid.”

 

“I will. I'm sorry. He just... he wants to be where I am, and I have a hard time turning him away. I remember what it was like to want to be near my dad, but my old man wouldn't give me the fucking time of day unless it was to hit me.”

 

“I know, Gabe, and I'm sorry. I appreciate everything you're trying to do for Caleb and me.”

 

“I'm sorry that I can't give you a normal life right now. One day though, hopefully.”

 

Caleb came in a few minutes later in the sweatpants and t-shirt he slept in. Gabe hugged him goodnight and headed back to the lounge.

 

**

 

“Damn he puts up with a lot of shit not to be getting any,” James said when Shepard was gone. “You can't even say he's pussy whipped!”

 

“He's not doing it for her, you goddamn idiot,” Zaeed said. “He's doing it for the boy.”

 

“I didn't mean any offense, Viejo. I'm sure he's happy with whatever the two of you have going on,” James said, waving his hands in surrender.

 

Zaeed laughed, “What, you think he couldn't be happy with me?”

 

“I didn't... It's just... they have a kid together, you know?”

 

“They were teenagers when that happened. They hadn't even seen each other in sixteen years.”

 

“Still, there was something there before, and now they're having to spend a lot of time together dealing with the kid. It's all... very domestic.”

 

“Mr. Vega,” Cortez began, “what the hell are you trying to do? Start trouble? It's common for people to raise kids together when they're not in a relationship and even when they're in relationships with other people. Stop being an idiot!”

 

“I'm just saying that maybe Viejo needs to watch himself.”

 

“Are we gonna play goddamn cards or what?” Zaeed said, trying not to let what the man was saying get to him. He'd been supportive of Gabe doing all he could to help the kid. Until this very moment he hadn't had a problem with any of it. Shepard was a grown fucking man. He had a right to conduct his life as he saw fit.

 

Gabe returned a moment later and fell into the chair next to Zaeed, squeezing his knee under the table. The merc looked over at him, and Shepard flashed a devastating smile at him. He felt somewhat better. They played a few more rounds of cards before Gabe announced that he was going to turn in for the night. Zaeed followed him.

 

“What's wrong?” Gabe asked as soon as they were in their cabin. Zaeed had moved into the captain's quarters on the first day. Shepard had given his old cargo space to a mouthy reporter, not that he'd planned to sleep there. Gabe was finally over his fear of doing more than just fucking, and Zaeed was going to take advantage of that.

 

Shepard started stripping down to his skin as he waited for Zaeed to say something.

 

“It's nothing,” he finally said.

 

“Bullshit. I know you well enough to know when something's eating at you, Massani. Come on. What gives?”

 

“Are you... do you have feelings for the boy's mum?”

 

“No – nothing beyond friendship anyway. Where is this coming from?”

 

“Bah... it's fucking stupid. Forget I said anything.”

 

“No, I'm not going to forget it. Zaeed, what's this about? What happened?”

 

The merc lit a cigarette and flopped onto the couch. “I'm too goddamn old for this shit,” he huffed. “Fucking Vega. He... said some things when you went to talk to Lily.”

 

Shepard joined him on the couch in nothing but his boxers, grabbing Zaeed’s smoke and taking a few puffs before passing it back to him. “What kinds of things?”

 

“That you might fall in love with her because you're raising a kid together.”

 

The Commander took the merc's hand in his own and squeezed tightly. “Massani, you know what it took for me to fall in love with you. My heart isn't something I give easily or lightly. I was never in love with Lily. She was my first girlfriend, and her life turned out shitty because of it. I want to help her. I want to help Caleb because he's my brother and he deserves a better life than what I had. I love Caleb and I have come to think of him as my son, but the only person in the whole fucking galaxy that I've ever been in love with is you, you crazy bastard.” He took the cigarette again and snubbed it out, climbing into Zaeed's lap and straddling him. He brought their mouths together with a grin, teeth teasing the man’s lower lip. “You're the only one for me.”

 

“You too.” Zaeed peered up at him with a smile of his own.

 

“Good. Now take me to bed and fuck me through the mattress.”

 

“I think I can handle that.”

 

**

 

Zaeed watched the stars flying past in the window over the bed with one hand behind his head. His other arm was curled around the Commander who was currently tucked against his side, running his fingers through the downy, gray hairs covering the merc's chest. “You're not jealous of Caleb and Lily are you?” Shepard broke the silence.

 

“No. I think it's bloody great what you're doing for them. I never thought that it was anything more than you wanting to help the boy until Vega started running his damned mouth. I... should have just fucking ignored him.”

 

Gabe just nodded his head, then yawned, burrowing closer to Zaeed. He pressed his lips to the nearest patch of skin he could reach and kept up the methodical movements of his fingers. “We're going to Eden Prime tomorrow. Some sort of Prothean artifact. Hackett thinks it might help with the Crucible.”

 

The merc didn't say anything, just started massaging the Commander's neck with one strong hand. Shepard sighed in contentment, groaning a little at the way the ministrations soothed his tired muscles. The younger man shifted his weight over so that he was sprawled across his lover's body, granting more access for the comforting fingers to continue their work. Zaeed grinned and kissed him on the forehead. “Marry me,” he whispered.

 

Shepard went rigid, then slowly raised his head until their eyes met. “Are you serious?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Their eyes stayed locked for several long minutes as the younger man contemplated. “Okay,” he said at length.

 

“Okay?”

 

“Yes.” He grinned at the merc, and Zaeed mirrored his expression before capturing his lips with his own.

 

“I fucking love you,” Zaeed murmured.

 

“I fucking love you, too.”

 

**

 

The next time they docked on the Citadel Gabe, Zaeed, and Caleb made their way first to a jewelry store to purchase some simple black wedding bands, then to a local Alliance chapel. After exchanging vows, they went to the nearest tattoo parlor. Gabe got a padlock in the shape of a heart with “Zaeed” underneath it on the inside of his right wrist. Zaeed got a key with “Gabe” underneath in the exact same location on his arm. They capped the celebration off with a stop at a local bar. Gabe and Zaeed toasted with tumblers of the house's best scotch, while Caleb sipped on a soda.

 

They got back to the ship and set a course for Tuchanka. Caleb called Zaeed “papa” and hugged him goodnight, and though he would deny it to his dying day, Gabe was positive he saw a tear in the old man's eye as he kissed the boy on top of his head and told him goodnight. Both men were silent as they made their way to the loft. Their eyes never left each other as they undressed without speaking – both of them having worn simple slacks and button down shirts with blazers. Naked, they stepped into the other's arms, and each man allowed his hands to roam the bare torso in front of him.

 

“ You're awfully quiet,” Zaeed said.

 

“ Just thinking.”

 

“ Not having second thoughts, I hope.”

 

Shepard chuckled, “No. Nothing like that. Just... never thought I'd get married is all. You have me doing all sorts of things I never dreamed of.” He brushed his lips softly against the other man's.

 

“ Not turning into a goddamn romantic sap on me are you, Shepard?”

 

“ Maybe. Would it be such a bad thing?” His blue eyes twinkled with love and happiness.

 

“ Not at all.” He cupped the younger man's cheeks and brought their mouths together. Shepard's hands slid up and down the man's sides, squeezing gently. They let their lips linger together – soft, velvet kisses that had their cocks swelling between their legs. They took their time, exploring every square inch of skin with fingers, lips, and tongues. When Zaeed finally slid easily into his husband, Gabe closed his eyes and hummed in contentedness. They kept their movements lazy, their touches fleeting, losing themselves in the feel of being joined. They crested simultaneously with their mouths mashed together, quiet moans of satisfaction escaping into the room.

 

They lay trembling for several long minutes before Zaeed went to the bathroom to clean himself, bringing back a warm washcloth for Gabe. He crawled back into bed, wrapping his arms around his husband from behind, and Shepard wiggled his hips backward until he was pressed tightly against the older man. Picking up Zaeed's left hand, he kissed the ring there then drifted off to sleep without another word.

 

After a quick fuck in the shower the next morning, the newlyweds made their way down to the mess hall for breakfast. They were shoveling forkfuls of powdered eggs into their mouths when Lily marched up and slapped Gabe on the shoulder with the datapad in her hand as hard as she could.

 

“ The fuck was that for?” he shouted, scowling.

 

“ _ Married? _ You two idiots got  _ married _ without telling anyone?”

 

“ We told Caleb,” he shot back. “We wanted to do it our way, goddammit. Without anyone interfering.”

 

“ Didn't you think your friends might want to be there?”

 

“ We took Caleb!” Shepard insisted again. “He was the only other person we wanted there. This wasn't about friends, Lily. It was about me and Zaeed,” he huffed, tossing his fork down and rising from the table. He threw his tray into the sink with more force than necessary and stalked back to the table, grabbing Zaeed by the collar, laying a rough kiss on his mouth. “I'll see you later,” he said gruffly, then stormed toward the elevator, leaving Lily standing there dumbfounded.

 

“ He doesn't like to make a big deal of things,” Zaeed explained. “And he likes to take things slow. Marriage was the first step. Telling everyone is another fucking ordeal altogether. You may not have noticed, but he's got a lot of goddamn emotional baggage.”

 

“ So I see,” she said still looking shell shocked. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin his... or your day.”

 

“ He'll be fine. We've got pieces of shit to kill this morning. After the mission, he'll be right as rain.”

 

Lily sighed, shaking her head as she left to make sure Caleb was preparing for his schoolwork before heading to the CIC to get started for the day. Gabe had put her to work keeping up communications with the Council and the embassy since she was already familiar with that type of thing. It lessened the load for Traynor, allowing her to focus on the more important task of decrypting encoded messages they found.

 

Caleb had made it a habit to be in the shuttle bay while the team was prepping for the mission, and again when they returned. After his mom came to check on him, he took his schoolwork to deck five and situated himself on a stack of crates that he'd fashioned into a desk for himself. He looked up to see his dad coming out of the elevator apparently angry. Gabe spotted his son, and marched toward him.

 

“ You told your mom that Zaeed and I got married?” His voice was stern – his face hard.

 

“ Y-yes sir.... I'm sorry. I didn't know it was a secret.”

 

Shepard sighed and sat on a crate beside the teen. “I'm sorry. I'm not angry at you. It's not a secret, I just... I have a hard time dealing with attention from people, and... I've always liked to keep my personal feelings to myself. It's weird, I know.”

 

“ It's not weird,” Caleb said, quietly. “I'm the same way.”

 

“ Two peas in a pod, huh?”

 

“ Yeah,” Caleb flashed a quick smile.

 

“ I'm sorry I yelled at you. Forgive me?”

 

“ Yes, sir. Does Zaeed mind me calling him papa?”

 

“ Not at all. I think he actually liked it,” Gabe chuckled. “You don't mind us being married?”

 

“ No. A year ago I didn't have a dad at all. Now I have two.”

 

Shepard laughed, standing and ruffling the teen's thick black hair. “I'll see you in a while, okay?”

 

“ What are you going to do this morning?”

 

“ Can't tell you till I get back. Get to work on your school, alright?”

 

“ Yes, sir.”

 

Shepard was at his locker when Zaeed arrived in the armory. The merc grabbed his husband by the back of the neck and hauled him over for a deep kiss. “You okay?” he asked when they separated.

 

“ Yeah. Sorry. I'll talk to her when we get back.” He stripped down to his skivvies and started pulling on his under armor.

 

“ Loco, is that... a wedding ring?” James hollered from behind him. The lieutenant looked over at Zaeed. “Viejo? What the hell?”

 

Shepard held up his left hand and wiggled his fingers, and Zaeed did the same. “Tied the knot last night,” Gabe said.

 

“ Son of a bitch! I did not see that coming,” the large marine muttered.

 

“ Ha!” Cortez barked. “I told you! Now pay up!”

 

Grousing, Vega pulled up his omni-tool and transferred the agreed upon amount of credits. Garrus entered the armory at that moment. “What are we paying up on?”

 

“ Shepard and Massani got married last night,” Cortez said, beaming. “Congratulations, by the way, Commander! Massani!”

 

“ Thanks,” the newlyweds muttered in unison.

 

“ Yes,” the turian said enthusiastically, “Joker! Make sure you use the right laundry soap on my underclothes. I don't like to chafe.”

 

“ Ah dammit,” the pilot said. “Shepard you couldn't have waited another month? Now I have to do Garrus' laundry.” He whined.

 

“ You assholes are hilarious,” Shepard said. “But amazingly, Zaeed and I don't give a fuck about your betting. In fact, keep it up, Joker, and you'll be doing our laundry, too.” The team chuckled then quieted down, and Shepard calmly snapped the pieces of his armor into place.

 

“ So, why didn't you tell anyone?” Garrus asked after awhile.

 

“ Because we didn't want to,” Shepard said as he buckled his chest plate and moved toward the weapons bench. “We didn't want a big fucking deal made over it. That's it. So... stop making a big fucking deal over it.”

 

Caleb was waiting for them when they returned from Tuchanka with what was left of the turian Ninth Platoon. That in itself wasn't suspicious. The goofy grin on the boy's face and the way he was fidgeting nervously, however, was. Gabe took a moment to ask if he was alright – Caleb assured him that he was – before stripping out of his armor and stowing it in his locker for James to deal with. He was on his way to the elevator, when Joker informed him of an issue in the mess hall that needed his immediate attention. EDI chimed in to tell them that Dr. Chakwas needed to speak with Zaeed as soon as possible.

 

“ Joker,” Shepard began tiredly, “I'm sweaty and dirty and would like to take a shower before I start dealing with the ship's problems, and I need to report to the Primarch and Admiral Hackett. Please tell me that the issue in the mess hall does not take precedence over any of these things. In fact, send Copeland to deal with the mess hall while I deal with more important things... like winning this fucking war!”

 

“ I suppose it can wait until after you shower, but if you put it off much longer than that, there won't be any dinner tonight. Your call,” Joker said before disconnecting the comm. Shepard cursed under his breath and made his way to the elevator.

 

“ This is a trap,” Zaeed said once they were inside, “you know that, right?”

 

“ I figured. Think they're planning a party for us?”

 

“ That'd be my guess. You gonna be able to handle that?”

 

“ Please... I'm Commander 'fucking' Shepard. I'll just approach it like any other mission.”

 

Zaeed laughed his low, rasping chuckle. “It's just a fucking party, Gabe. Try not to kill anyone.”

 

“ We'll see,” Shepard replied, cutting his eyes toward his husband and grinning. “I promise I'll be good.”

 

“ You always are.” Zaeed grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the elevator. “In fact, I think we should shower together right now so you can show me just how good.”

 

**

 

They toweled off and began to dress. Since they weren't supposed to know it was a party, Gabe slipped into his BDU's while Zaeed threw on a pair of dark jeans and a gray t-shirt that showed off his bulging muscles. Gabe watched him with a glazed look in his eyes.

 

“ Save it for later,” Zaeed laughed.

 

Shepard wrapped his arms around the man as they walked into the elevator, hand's groping him through the thin material. They were still wrapped up in each other and laughing when the elevator door opened on the crew deck. Gabe released the man and schooled his features. Zaeed did the same.

 

The crew had indeed set up a party for them, complete with a white wedding cake. In actuality it was a sheet cake from a boxed mix with canned frosting. Lily had brought it with her as part of their six months worth of “provisions” that Gabe had told her to bring. Instead of champagne, they had whiskey out of the lounge in paper cups. Shepard even convinced Lily to let Caleb have a little sip since it was a special occasion. The crew toasted the happy couple and then both men shoved a slice of cake into the other's face in lieu of feeding each other a bite. 

 

Lily rolled her eyes while they scraped the cake off their faces and licked it off each other’s fingers. Caleb was probably the only one who missed the smokey glances as they did so. Once finished, they smiled, shared a sticky kiss and thanked everyone for thinking of them.

 

When the party ended, Shepard ordered everyone back to work. He realized that it was the first time since his mother had died that anyone had gone out of their way to celebrate something in his life. He knew he wasn't a sentimental sap, but the idea still left him with a warm feeling in his chest. Zaeed smirked at him as if he knew what Gabe was thinking, and Shepard found he didn't mind that either. It was definitely a change from the man he'd been a year ago, and as hard as it was to accept at times, Gabe knew it was a change for the better.

 


	18. Chapter 18

Gabe was surprised to find Ashley waiting for him at the Normandy's docking bay, after that fiasco with Udina. Shepard was glad the bastard had finally gotten what was coming to him. Still, after staring down the barrel of Williams' gun he wondered if she was here to finish the job or what.

 

“ Williams.”

 

“ Shepard. I... just wanted to make sure we're good.”

 

“ I don't know,” he said truthfully. “I'm pretty tired of these showdowns with you.”

 

She caught sight of his left hand and reached out to grab it. “You're married?”

 

He jerked his hand back. “Yes.”

 

“ To Massani?”

 

“ Yes.”

 

“ Wow... congratulations, Shepard.”

 

“ Thank you.” He sighed, “Listen, Ash... I want to put the past behind us. Can we do that?”

 

“ I'd like to. I'm sorry I've... This whole thing hasn't been easy for me. Me mourning you for two years, and then – as if you coming back from the dead wasn't enough – finding out that you never felt the same for me. It was... You know, maybe it was just you being gone that made it feel so much like love. On the one hand you're exactly like I remember you, and that makes me wonder how I could have ever thought I loved you.” She stopped to give him a look, and he laughed. “On the other, I think maybe my memory conjured up a version of you that was tainted by your dying. I mean... that my heart made it out to be more than it was. Hell, I don't know. I'm babbling. I just... thought about what you said on Mars. I... don't know where things are going with Hackett, but if they are going somewhere, and you're now  _ married _ to his best friend, then... like you said we're going to be stuck with each other, and I don't want there to always be this fucking tension between us.”

 

“ Agreed.”

 

“ So... friends?”

 

“ Friends,” he conceded, shaking her hand. “So, what are your plans now?”

 

“ Hackett offered me a position with the fleet, and I think I'm going to take him up on it. I mean, I'm a Spectre now, and there are probably plenty of places I could go. But... I'm needed there, and selfishly, I want to be near him.”

 

“ I can certainly understand that. I've got Caleb and his mother, and Zaeed, on the Normandy, too.”

 

“ So... married with a kid, huh? Crazy!”

 

He breathed a laugh and rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah. Even I never would have seen this coming. Not in a million years. I wasn't the marrying type. Definitely wasn't the parental type, but here we are.” They stood in awkward silence for a few minutes. “Hey, do you need a lift? We could take you to the fleet. Zaeed would probably like to see Hackett, and we could make the run under the guise of delivering supplies. I have racked up a great many resources that are still sitting in the Normandy's hold.”

 

“ You... would do that for me?”

 

He shrugged. “Sure. Grab your gear. We leave in an hour.”

 

“ Thanks, Shepard. Really.”

 

“ No problem, Ash, and... I'm sorry I've been such an ass.”

 

“ Wouldn't be you if you weren't an ass, Skipper!”

 

“ Thanks,” he laughed. “Get your shit. See you in a few.”

 

**

 

“ Married, huh?”

 

Massani smirked at his old friend. “That's right. Gotta problem with that?” Shepard sat beside him, grinning like an idiot and reclined on the sofa with one arm around his husband's shoulders and his ankle propped on his knee.

 

“ Not at all, just... never thought I'd see the day.” Hackett took a sip of his scotch, squeezing Ashley a little closer to himself. Everyone in this room, at least, knew the truth about the two of them. There was no reason left to hide it, not in private, and it had been so long – too long – since he'd seen her; he just couldn't help himself. “And you, Shepard... a kid? Why have you never mentioned this before?”

 

“ I didn't know about him before,” Shepard said truthfully, sipping from his own glass. “His mother was my... girlfriend... I guess you could say, back when we were teens. She left Mindoir before the batarians got there, and I never saw or heard from her again. Until about eight months ago, that is.”

 

Shepard thought about the last year, the new chance he'd been given. The way Zaeed and Caleb had changed his whole outlook on life in general and love in particular. This was not the life he’d planned for himself. When he'd met Zaeed Massani, he couldn't have imagined things turning out this way. Truthfully, if someone would have told him, he'd have kicked Zaeed's ass off the ship and never given him a second thought, but that was precisely the reason life was so wonderful sometimes. He wouldn't have taken a chance on Zaeed Massani, wouldn't have taken Caleb and Lily in. He'd still be the same miserable wretch of a man he'd been since batarians had attacked his home and destroyed everything he'd ever known and loved.

 

They didn't stay long with Hackett. There was work to be done, and it was up to them to do it. The goodbye was more painful that Shepard thought it would be. Somehow through all the trials of the last year, he'd come to care about Ashley more than he ever had before, even when he was sleeping with her. That, too, was likely a byproduct of his new found appreciation for life and love. There was remorse over the fact that he'd waited until the probable end of his life to realize such a thing existed, and that rather than being a weakness or an inconvenience, love was actually the greatest gift a person could be given.

 

Zaeed noticed his sour mood the moment they set foot in the shuttle for the return trip to the Normandy. “What's wrong?”

 

“ Just doing too much thinking.” It was freeing, this ability he'd acquired to be honest with Zaeed. Having someone in his life who loved him – no judgments – was liberating in a way that nothing had ever been before. His perception of family life, love, and marriage had been skewed by a coward with nothing but his fists to convey his frustration with life. A man who'd abused his wife and son, abused the love and trust of a good hearted woman. How was it that a hardened mercenary had changed all that?

 

“ Well bloody stop it.”

 

He grinned at Zaeed's rebuff, appreciating the man's knack for drawing him out of his own head sometimes. Life was too short – his and Zaeed's likely shorter than most with the way they taunted death on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis – to live with regrets. Zaeed was here now. Caleb and Lily were here now, and really, that was more than he could have asked for. Certainly more than an asshole like him deserved.

 

When Zaeed scowled, realizing that Gabe was still thinking, Shepard laughed and brushed his lips against his husband's. “You got it.”

 

**

 

Things were coming to a head too rapidly in some respects, and not nearly quick enough in others. He was finding old friends only to turn around and say goodbye to them as they trudged off to fulfill their respective duties in a war that no one had asked for but that none of them could hide from. During most wars of the past, there were always elements of society who could ignore what was going on around them, attending their ritzy dinner parties, or numbing the pain with drugs and alcohol. The vast middle had always felt the effects of war, however, whether through job and supply shortages, lack of money, or by being marched off to do the dirty work on the orders of those who thought themselves important enough to make decisions about the fate of people's lives. This war involved everyone, though; no one was immune from its effects.

 

Every single person he knew and talked to had lost someone – family, friend, or comrade. Shepard was no different. Jenkins had been the first of his personal acquaintances to be taken by the reaper war, though they hadn't known at the time what they were getting themselves into. Kaidan was next. Those that had followed had only strengthened Shepard's resolve to fight harder, to push farther. His patience was reaching its limits after Rannoch, and despite the epiphany he'd had of late about love and its power to change a man for the better, he was slipping into old habits, picking them up like a well loved sweatshirt and reveling in the peace that familiarity brings.

 

It started with small things – bitching about the coffee, going off on Vega for cooking eggs in the galley, biting Caleb's head off whenever he made a mistake. However, it wasn't long before it escalated into something bigger, building until he and Zaeed got into an argument that nearly came to blows, over something trivial that Shepard could barely remember now. Zaeed spent two nights in the lounge on the couch before Caleb – of all people – found Shepard in the cargo bay, tinkering with his armor.

 

“ Dad?” the boy questioned timidly, and even the meekness of his tone lit Shepard's nerves on fire. He bit the inside of his cheek to silence the yell that was on the tip of his tongue. Yelling had been the only form of verbal communication Daniel Shepard had known. Gabe didn't want to make those same kinds of mistakes. If he was going to be a dad to this kid, he was going to be a damn sight better than his own had been, but sometimes, he didn't know exactly how to go about it.

 

“ What's up?” Shepard calmed himself using mental tricks he'd learned in N-school, setting down the shoulder harness he'd been working on and turned to face his son – his son in every sense of the word that genuinely mattered, at any rate.

 

“ I... well, sir, frankly, I'm... worried about you.”

 

There was a thread of maturity in Caleb's voice that Shepard hadn't ever noticed before, and he wanted to be proud that the kid had grown some backbone, had  _ grown _ at all since he'd come aboard the Normandy. The fact that his new boldness was directed at him made Gabe's hackles rise, however. He eyed his son, likely pinning him with a menacing stare, but Caleb held his ground, shoulders squared and defiant – no, determined – eyes holding Gabe's own.

 

When Shepard didn't say anything, Caleb went on. “I know you're... stressed about the war and everything, but... well, you've been pretty mean lately, and... well, like I said... I'm worried.”

 

The statement drew him up short, halting whatever anger or annoyance might have been welling inside him. “I've been...  _ mean _ ?” he couldn't help asking.

 

“ Well... yeah. I mean, yes sir.”

 

Shepard grinned at that. “You don't have to call me sir all the time,” he reminded his son gently, reaching a hand up to tuck a stray, black curl behind Caleb's ear.

 

“ Mom says I should,” the boy shrugged, and Shepard laughed in spite of the situation he was in – being lectured by his fifteen year old son. “You're happier when you and papa aren't fighting, and so is he. I know things are hard on you right now, but...”

 

“ Have I been mean to you, too?”

 

“ A little.” Another one-armed shrug accompanied the statement, and Gabe felt his heart sink. Being  _ mean _ to Caleb was the last thing he'd ever want to do.

 

“ I'm sorry,” Shepard said, gaze finding the floor. Stalking backward a couple of steps, he seated himself on a crate that had been arranged by the workbench for just this purpose, and patted the empty space beside him in invitation. His heart was heavy, and he honestly had no idea what to say. He was aware that he'd been a little short tempered for the last couple of weeks, but what he failed to take into account was that this was a side of him that Caleb had never seen before. And he knew without question that this was not the man he wanted to be. Not anymore.

 

Since his mother's death, Gabe Shepard had been a hard man to get along with. His obstinate nature and, at times, downright shitty attitude had driven people away from him. For years that had suited his purposes just fine. Not being emotionally invested in those under his command made him a better commander. In his eyes at least. He could feign interest in their personal lives to gain their loyalty, then use them as necessary to reach the objectives set before him. In the last decade and a half, there were only a handful of people he'd let himself form enough of an attachment to to be able to call them friends. Kaidan had been one. Garrus and Tali. But overall, he'd been alone, and that was the way he'd preferred it. That's what he'd always told himself anyway.

 

Then Zaeed and Caleb had swept in and changed all that, and Gabe knew he was a different person than the one who'd gone down with the Normandy's flaming wreckage over Alchera three years ago. Hell, he wasn't even the same man who'd risen from a Cerberus operating table a year ago, like a ghost from a tomb. He had his husband and his son to thank for that. But how had he repaid their kindness? By acting like a selfish dick and treating them both with contempt.

 

Caleb was here now, and Shepard knew he needed to begin with his son. He also knew however, that he would need to make at least one more apology that night.

  
  


**

 

He found Zaeed in the lounge, sharpening his throwing knives, and couldn't help but grin despite the tension that permeated the room the instant he entered it. The scene was achingly familiar. Zaeed sat in his tank top and camouflage cargo pants, cigarette dangling from his lips as the smoke curled around his head, making him squint.

 

The quiet shucking sound of his Japanese waterstone comforted Shepard in ways he could hardly explain. A glass of whiskey sat on the low table in front of his husband, and if Gabe could think of the perfect photograph to summarize Zaeed Massani, this would be it. The hint of gun oil that always seemed to linger in the air whenever Massani was around only added to the longing he'd been feeling for the last two days but had been utterly unwilling to acknowledge. Maybe one day he'd learn not to be so goddamned stubborn.

 

Zaeed didn't look up from his work, simply continued to slide the stone across the blade in even strokes, and Gabe didn't wait for an invitation to take a seat on the couch opposite the man. “I'm sorry, Zaeed,” he said, and his husband simply grunted, taking his cigarette between two fingers and flicking the ashes half in the floor and half in the ashtray. Gabe grinned at that, too.

 

Shepard watched and waited as Zaeed finished his cigarette and his whiskey then packed away his tools before finally turning his mismatched gaze on Gabe. “I was wondering how fucking long it would take you,” he said, voice its usual gravelly self.

 

“ Caleb says I've been mean lately.”

 

“ You've been a goddamn asshole is what you've been, but I'm glad somebody on this ship finally had the balls to call you on it. Sometimes I wonder if you aren't that boy's biological father after all.”

 

There was a dry chuckle followed by an apologetic shrug, and Zaeed figured that was about as good as he was going to get out of his husband. Truth was, he didn't exactly blame Gabe. The war was hard on everyone, but nobody had it harder than Gabe Shepard. Inexplicably, the entire thing had come down to this one man, and it was neither fair nor right. It simply was, and Zaeed needed to do a better job of not letting him sink this low again. Nerves and tensions were running high on the ship and everywhere they landed. Nowhere was safe. At least not for long. And forty people in a tin can hurtling through space were bound to get on each others nerves from time to time.

 

For all that the galaxy looked to Gabe to save them from a fate worse than death, he was still just one man. A man who, despite his protestations to the contrary, had feelings that were being assaulted on all sides at the moment. But when Zaeed looked into those piercing blue eyes, all he saw was the man he loved. The man who didn't deserve to carry this weight and shouldn't be left to shoulder it alone. That was his job, no matter how Shepard might piss him off at times.

 

“ I'm sorry, too,” Massani admitted at last. He loved Shepard, but that didn't make him any less of an asshole who really deserved a punch in the eye at times. And Zaeed didn't need to hear Gabe say it to know that he'd been a jackass, too. “Can I pour you a drink?”

 

“ I'd love one,” Gabe said, lighting a cigarette of his own and watching the way muscles rippled beneath golden skin as Zaeed moved to the bar to pour the drink. When he returned, Zaeed sat beside Shepard, hand resting on his knee. Gabe covered it with his own then sipped his drink, and both of them knew that things would be fine. Bizarre as their relationship might look to outsiders, it worked for them, and in all honesty, neither of them would change anything about the other. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Allusions to past rape/non-con situations toward the end of the chapter.

“ Wow! Look at this place!” Caleb said in excitement as his wide eyes took in their new apartment. What in the hell Anderson had been thinking giving this place to him, Shepard would never know. He had to admit, though, the place was impeccable.

 

Lily was also wandering around, looking a little lost in the cavernous room. Shepard and Zaeed headed up the stairs, claiming the master bedroom more because of the workbench in the closet than the hot tub in the bathroom. Though Gabe would be lying if he said he didn't already have some ideas on how to put the thing to optimal use.

 

The odd little family ordered Chinese takeout for dinner and settled on the couch to watch a biotiball game before Lily's omni-tool rang with a call. She spared a shy grin at the men in the room and excused herself to take it. They ignored her until she came back a few minutes later, fingers twisting in a way that reminded Gabe of Tali back when he'd first met the quarian. He hadn't seen Lily looking so shy in more than sixteen years, not since they'd been about to...

 

“ Lily?” he asked, eyebrow quirked in question.

 

“ Caleb, honey, can you stay with your dad for awhile? I'd... like to go out for a little bit.”

 

“ Sure,” the boy said, hardly glancing at his mother.

 

Shepard shrugged when she turned her questioning gaze to him. “It's not a problem. Have fun.” Her eyes lit up, though she tried to hide her excitement. With a quick peck to Caleb's cheek, she darted out the door.

 

**

 

Shepard's face was buried in his pillow, Zaeed's arm draped across his back, when he heard voices coming from downstairs. For such a reputable bounty hunter, Massani slept like the dead, particularly after a vigorous round of fucking. Gabe was sore from their activities, but he slipped easily from the bed, tugging on a pair of sweats and grabbing his pistol from the bedside table.

 

Creeping down the stairs so as not to give himself away, he followed the sound of the voices to the kitchen. The low conversation had shifted from talking to muffled sounds and... moans? Poking his head around the door frame, he was brought up short by the sight of Lily and James Vega kissing as if their lives depended on it. He put a hand to his mouth to stifle his chuckle and stepped into the room, clearing his throat and pinning them with his most stern look.

 

“ Shit, Loco!” Vega leapt away from Lily. “You scared the hell out of me.” Lily simply sighed in exasperation as Shepard crossed his arms over his chest to glare at the lieutenant.

 

“ Vega.”

 

“ Uh... hey, Shepard,” the younger man said with a nervous laugh, rubbing his neck and avoiding the Commander's gaze.

 

“ What's going on?”

 

“ James and I went on a date,” Lily said with agitation. “Not that it's any of your business.”

 

Shepard grinned at that, relaxing his stance, and that was when she noticed the pistol in his hand.

 

“ A gun, Gabriel? Really?”

 

“ I heard voices in my house in the middle of the night,” he said with a shrug. “When you've seen and done as much shit as I have, you'll probably act the same.”

 

“ Well, uh, thanks for not shooting me, Loco.”

 

“ I haven't decided if I'm going to shoot you yet or not.”

 

Vega paled slightly, and Zaeed chose that moment to step through the doorway with his own pistol leveled at the group. He lowered it immediately, and barked out quickly, “You arseholes should know better than to be sneaking around in the goddamn kitchen in the middle of the night. You're fucking lucky I didn't shoot any of you.”

 

Gabe grinned at him, giving the merc a slightly heated look when he noticed the love bites on the man's chest. Zaeed winked at him, and Shepard realized he probably had plenty of those himself. Lily and James seemed to notice at the same time and both flushed red.

 

“ What the hell are you all doing down here anyway?”

 

“ James and Lily went on a date,” Shepard informed his husband, arms crossing his chest once more.

 

Zaeed scowled at the couple, lifting his pistol toward James once more. Lily huffed in annoyance. “Oh for heaven's sake! Both of you act like I'm some child who can't take care of herself. Gabriel, lay off. My dad never treated you this way.”

 

“ Clearly he should have,” Shepard said, dryly, which earned an indignant noise from the tiny woman. He chuckled, and pushed downward on Zaeed's hand until his husband lowered his weapon.

 

“ Dad?” Caleb's groggy voice carried from the other side of the kitchen. “What's going on?” Bleary blue eyes took in the scene before him, and Shepard grinned at the boy's tousled black hair, messy with sleep. Fond affection welled within him. “Lieutenant Vega?” Caleb asked warily.

 

“ It's nothing, son,” Lily sighed. “Go on back to bed.”

 

Shepard's eyes snapped to hers in disapproval, but she held up a hand to stop him from speaking. Gabe growled softly. “James, I think it's time for you to go.”

 

“ Gabriel!”

 

“ We need to talk, Lily,” Gabe told her firmly. “Caleb, go to bed. Vega, goodnight.” His tone left no room for argument, and Zaeed put a protective arm around Caleb's shoulder walking him back to his room behind the kitchen while Shepard escorted Vega to the door.

 

“ What the hell?” Lily hissed when the two of them were alone.

 

“ Listen,” he said, raising himself to his full height. “Date or fuck whoever you want to. I couldn't care less. I was just giving Vega a hard time, but you're not going to lie to Caleb.”

 

“ I'm not lying to Caleb,” she said vehemently.

 

“ You didn't tell him you were going on a date or that you'd been on one with James, even though he specifically asked what was going on. You're not going to lie to my son,” he repeated.

 

“ He's not  _ your _ son,” she whispered harshly. “I think you may have forgotten that!”

 

Shepard's blood ran cold. Caleb  _ was _ his son, even if that was only in his heart and a forged birth certificate. The thought that he could lose that made bile rise in the back of his throat. Arguing with Lily now would only end in disaster, though. Fury burned in his chest, and he knew it was written all over his face. Squaring his shoulders, he gave her a curt nod. “Goodnight, Lily.”

 

**

 

“ Where's dad?”

 

Zaeed glanced up from the stove where he was scrambling eggs for their breakfast. “He went out.”

 

“ Out?” Lily asked when she came in, pulling her bathrobe tightly around her.

 

“ Out.” Zaeed repeated.

 

Lily sighed, and Caleb's face fell as he headed to the cabinet to get three plates down when Zaeed asked him to. “I was hoping we could go do something fun today,” Caleb said, sliding the plates onto the table.

 

“ We can go do something instead,” Lily suggested.

 

“ Okay.” He didn't sound pleased however.

 

“ How would you like it if Lieutenant Vega went with us?”

 

Zaeed's head snapped up with a scowl, but he kept his mouth shut. Shepard hadn't been able to sleep at all since his talk with Lily the night before. His fear of losing Caleb when he already felt there was so little time left to begin with had kept him pacing and growling through the room. Zaeed had finally suggested he head to the combat simulator to work out some of his aggression. That had been around zero three hundred, and he hadn't heard from the man since.

 

After breakfast, he agreed to clean the kitchen while Lily, Caleb, and James went out for the day. This was an eventuality that hadn't occurred to either of them – that Lily would find someone to fall in love with. That she would allow that someone to take Shepard's place as a father to the boy. The idea that she'd used Shepard to get money, or for some other twisted scheme didn't sit well with him. He had half a mind to track her down and demand that she explain herself and her intentions.

 

Vega was a good kid, and who Lily dated was neither his nor Shepard's business. But when that relationship threatened the things Gabe, and by proxy, Zaeed, held dear – specifically one gangly teenage boy with bright blue eyes and a heart of gold – then it became his business.

 

It was nearly lunchtime before Gabe came home smeared with blood and dirt and looking weary to his very bones. His mood had not improved in the least, and Zaeed dragged him up the stairs by the rim of his chest plate. An hour later, Shepard was sprawled across the bed, naked and sweaty and thoroughly fucked. Despite the now filthy sheets streaked with dirt, blood, and cum, he fell into a dreamless sleep, for which Zaeed was grateful.

 

It was late afternoon when Lily and Caleb returned, and the first thing the boy asked were for his father's whereabouts. “He's asleep, kid. He had a rough night.” Zaeed pinned Lily with a venomous glare that made her finally look ashamed of herself.

 

Caleb missed the exchange between the two adults. “I was hoping we could go play basketball,” he said dejectedly.

 

“ I'll go wake him up,” Zaeed said. “I'm sure he would love that.”

 

Deciding it would be best if he wasn't alone with Lily while Gabe and Caleb were gone, Zaeed kitted up in his armor. Despite the war, people were still swearing out bounties, and there was no shortage of work for him to handle during his down time or just whenever he needed to take his mind off things. There were currently three bounties sitting pretty on the Citadel, just waiting for him to come get them. None of them had any clue he was on their tail.

 

Lily was sitting on the couch in the living room with a datapad and cup of noodle soup when he walked by. She set these on the table and looked at him. “Can we talk?”

 

“ I'm not the one you need to talk to.”

 

“ I get the feeling Gabriel isn't willing to talk to me at the moment.”

 

“ Not really, no.”

 

“ Please, Zaeed?”

 

He cursed and sat heavily on the ottoman by the fireplace. “Make it quick. I've got shit to do.” He pulled out a cigarette and lit it, blowing the smoke toward the ceiling.

 

“ I didn't mean what I said to Gabe last night,” she began. “He's the only father Caleb has ever had – ever will have. I'm not going to try to separate them.” Lily rubbed her temples with her fingers.

 

“ Like I said,” Zaeed reminded her, “you need to talk to Shepard.” He stood to leave, but she grabbed his hand. “Thank you.”

 

“ What for?”

 

“ For being a father to my son, along with Gabriel. For accepting us and protecting us. For looking out for us.”

 

“ I do that for my husband's sake, sweetheart. His and the kid's. Not yours. And I won't fucking put up with anyone hurting Gabe either. He's bloody well been through enough. You'd best remember that.”

 

“ Like I said, I didn't mean it. If he'd talk to me, I'd take it back.”

 

“ Funny thing about words, honey – there  _ is _ no takin’ 'em back.”

 

**

 

Gabe and Caleb were in high spirits when they returned from their basketball game. Shepard had taken the boy out to the arcade afterward and filled him full of junk food. Zaeed had met them there, still wearing his armor after collecting on a bounty, and the three of them had spent half the night trying to win prizes from the claw machine. Shepard won a stuffed volus toy and gave it to Caleb. When Zaeed finally won, he gave his to an asari bystander which earned him a smirk from his husband.

 

Shepard's mood did a complete one-eighty when his eyes landed on Lily and James sitting snugly on the couch. When the lieutenant jumped up, startled, Lily turned her nervous gaze toward Gabe as well.

 

“ Lieutenant,” Shepard said with a nod. “Lily.”

 

Of course Caleb noticed the sudden chilly atmosphere, but before he could question it, Zaeed stepped in. “What do you say to some ice cream, kid?”

 

Caleb's eyes lit up and he agreed.

 

“ Vega, you come with us.” It wasn't a question, and James was smart enough to realize that his presence in the apartment was no longer welcome. He followed Caleb and Zaeed out the door.

 

Shepard stared after them for a few uncomfortable minutes before turning toward the stairs. “Gabe?” He froze mid-step, tension visible in the set of his spine and shoulders, but he forced himself to relax and turned slowly to face Lily.

 

“ Yes?”

 

“ I'm sorry,” she began, getting right to the point. “After everything you've done for us... The money, spending time with Caleb. I... I don't think you know how much it means to me that you've been willing to be a real father to him.”

 

He watched her carefully, long enough for her to begin squirming before he finally spoke. “You've really got me over a barrel here, Lily,” Shepard said, something sad and unreachable in his blue eyes. “I don't give two shits about the money. What I care about is Caleb. I love him like a son whether he's mine or not. I've never been keen on playing games with people. I've always said what was on my mind. Now I have to side step around you to make sure I don't do anything to piss you off just so you don't take him away from me. Am I going to have to live with that threat looming over me for the rest of my life?”

 

“ No, Gabe. I... I would never take him away from you. I was angry and upset, and I just said the first thing that came to my mind.”

 

“ We agreed that I would claim him as my own and let you raise him the way you wanted, in exchange for me getting to spend time with him, have a relationship with him. I wasn't aware that meant I would never be allowed to voice my opinion. Your personal life is your own, Lily. Vega is a good man. I don't blame you or begrudge you having feelings for him. But lying about it to Caleb isn't the way to go. He deserves to know that someone else is vying for your attention now.”

 

“ Caleb hardly spares a second thought for me now that you're in his life,” Lily said bitterly. “The honest truth is that your help has been a welcome relief - giving me a break from being a mom for just a little while - but it's made me realize how empty my life has been. How lonely.” She stared at her hands, curled into fists on her lap, and Shepard saw the tears begin to trickle down her cheeks.

 

“ I have no life of my own outside of being Caleb's mother. You're the only... I've never willingly had sex with anyone else. For years after Caleb was born, I was scared of men. I kept Caleb away from them out of my own fears, and I told myself it was better for us if there was no one to come between us. Now that he has you, he just wants to soak up as much time as possible, and I don't blame him. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous. I miss him. He goes to you with things that he'd never felt comfortable talking to me about. He wants to be with you wherever you are. I'm convinced that he'd go on missions with you if you'd let him.”

 

Shepard gave a wan smile, crossing the room and easing himself onto the sofa beside her. “I'm sorry, Lily.” He wrapped his arm around her and pressed a kiss against the top of her head as she melted into him and began crying in earnest.

 

“ It's the end of the world, Gabe, and you're the only man I've ever loved. I want the chance to experience that again before I die. Before we all die.”

 

“ I know, and like I said, I don't begrudge you that. You deserve some happiness, Lily.”

 

“ I feel so selfish, and so useless.”

 

“ First of all, it's not selfish to want companionship, Lily. Hell, we all want that right now. And you're not useless. I could never replace you in Caleb's life.” He thought briefly about his own mother and the bond they'd shared. “A boy will always need his mother,” he said sadly. “Even after he becomes a man.”

 

Lily looked up at him, swiping her tears away with the back of her hand. “You and your mother were always close, weren't you?”

 

“ We were,” he said simply.

 

“ I always loved your mother. She was so beautiful. So kind.”

 

Shepard cleared the emotion out of his throat and agreed gruffly, “She was.”

 

“ I'm sorry for what happened to her,” Lily whispered.

 

“ Me too.”

 

“ You're really okay with me dating James?”

 

Shepard laughed. “Lily, I'm not your dad. You don't need my approval.”

 

“ No, but you're Caleb's dad, and you deserve to have a say in his life. I want to at least consider your feelings on the people who come into his life. Regardless of how this all came about, we're in this together. Caleb is  _ our _ son.”

 

Gabe looked toward the fireplace, swallowing back the emotion welling in his chest. “Thank you, Lily,” he said. “That means a lot to me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's commented and liked this story! I appreciate it so much!!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of my absolute favorite chapters in the story! :)

“ Alright, I've got us set up, and I have a surprise for you.”

 

Caleb watched his father with a neutral expression, and Gabe cursed inwardly. In an effort to emulate him, the boy had picked up entirely too many of his mannerisms and habits. Most of them bad. Rather than make an issue of it, he turned to his private locker at Armax Arena and pulled out a rather large package to present to the boy.

 

Eyeing the case and then Shepard, he took it cautiously. “What is it?”

 

Shepard laughed. “Open it and see!”

 

Finally showing a spark of excitement, Caleb set the box on the nearby workbench, undoing the latches and lifting the lid. Inside lay a brand new set of armor. It was painted black with red detailing, similar to Shepard's, but lacking the distinctive red stripe down the right arm as well as the N7 insignia. “This... is for me?”

 

“ Yep. What do you think?” Gabe bit his bottom lip in anticipation, hoping for some sort of reaction from the boy.

 

“ Wow,” Caleb whispered, running his fingers reverently over the chest plate. Shepard watched his expression, pleased with the light shining in the boy's eyes.

 

“ Like it?”

 

“ It's amazing!” Caleb turned and threw his arms around Gabe. “Thanks, dad.”

 

“ You're welcome! I figured you might want it for the simulator. Come on, let me show you how to put it on.”

 

“ I know how to do it. I've watched you guys suit up nearly every day for the past few months.”

 

“ Alright,” Shepard smiled. “There's a suit of under armor in there, too.”

 

After a few awkward minutes of struggling, Caleb managed to strap himself into the suit with very little assistance from his dad. Shepard was proud of the kid. He was observant and smart as a whip, easily picking up things from his surroundings. Zaeed had taught him how to use a sniper rifle while Shepard was in prison, and he'd become rather proficient at that as well. Gabe didn't want him joining the Alliance. He pushed the boy to consider college every chance he got, but it had already become apparent that he was fighting a losing battle on that front. It pained Shepard in a way he couldn't explain, but if the kid's mind was made up, then he was damn well going to do everything in his power to give him the best start possible.

 

“ It's a few weeks early, but I got you a birthday present, too.” Shepard turned back toward his locker and pulled out a long slender box. “Sixteen is a big deal, and I know you know how to handle one of these. Figured it was high time you had your own.” When Caleb turned an inquisitive eye toward him, Gabe held up his hands, “Don't worry. I talked it over with your mom.”

 

Moving the empty armor box, Caleb set the new case in its place, slowly flicking the latches up and opening it. Inside lay a new N7 Valiant sniper rifle – light gray with red trim. “It's heavy,” Shepard said, “ but way lighter than the Widow or even the Mantis, and it holds three rounds in the chamber so you don't have to reload quite as often.”

 

“ The Mantis is one shot per clip, right?”

 

“ Exactly. This one gets three, so it's a marked improvement.” Shepard took his time, showing him every feature of the rifle, and a few things about his suit of armor as well, including how to activate the shields and a couple of tricks to keep them from overloading. “In the arena, there are safeties. If your shields overload in there, it'll sting, but it won't do any permanent damage. Out there,” he pointed toward the door, “if you let your shields overload, it could kill you. So, learning how to make adjustments on the fly is critical. Next time I'll get you a new omni-tool, but for now, what do you say we try these out?”

 

“ This is the coolest birthday present I've ever gotten,” Caleb breathed, picking the rifle up and running his hand over it much the same way he had with the armor. Compacting the rifle so it would fit on his back, he anchored it in the mag lock and turned to Shepard with an eager expression.

 

Gabe grinned. “Let's do this!”

 

Caleb rolled his eyes at Shepard's seemingly endless list of instructions once they were in cover. As soon as the holographic Cerberus troops began materializing, however, he started racing through the list in his mind. His father's voice over the comm link in his helmet was a steadying presence, and Shepard repeated his instructions slowly, patiently.

 

“ You're not going to get hurt in here, Caleb, so just concentrate on what you know how to do. Stay low. Line up your shots and don't rush them.”

 

He panicked briefly when his dad vanished before his very eyes, then remembered that he had a tactical cloak. Instead of worrying about the man who probably knew how to handle himself on a battlefield better than anyone else in the galaxy – a thought which filled him with tremendous pride – he focused on lining up his first shot. A trooper stalked toward him, and Caleb sighted down the gun, inhaling deeply then blowing it out slowly, squeezing the trigger – careful and controlled – on the exhale, just like Zaeed had taught him. The shot went right, but still managed to clip the trooper in the shoulder. It went down, screaming in agony, and flickered out of existence when Shepard materialized beside it, stabbing it through the heart with his omni-blade.

 

Falling back into cover, Caleb muttered a curse and made a quick adjustment to his sights. “Don't let your mom hear you talking like that,” his dad admonished, but he could hear the smile in the man's voice, and couldn't help grinning.

 

“ Yes sir!”

 

“ That was a good shot. Did you make the necessary adjustment to your sights?”

 

“ Yes sir,” he repeated.

 

“ Good. I'm going to let you handle it then. I'm heading up top to pick them off from there.”

 

“ Roger that,” Caleb said, then smiled some more when Shepard laughed.

 

They fought through two different simulations before they decided to at least take a breather. In the locker room, Caleb sprawled out on one of the benches, while Shepard sat across from him, leaned against the wall. “Shit!” Caleb breathed, and Gabe groaned.

 

“ Your mom is going to kick my ass one of these days.” He tossed his son a protein bar. “Eat up. Trust me.”

 

Caleb did as instructed, both of them quiet as they chewed. “Mom is dating James,” he said at last, eyes cast to the floor.

 

“ Is that okay with you?” Shepard didn't give a shit what Lily did with her personal time. That wasn't his business. But he did care about Caleb's feelings on the matter. If the boy didn't like James, he didn't know what the hell he was going to do about it, though.

 

“ It's just... weird. She's never dated anyone, and I never gave it much thought. Now though, I have to wonder... why hasn't she? And... why now?”

 

“ The end of the world reminds you of what you forgot to do,” Shepard told him, remembering Anderson's words to him not long ago. “She's wanted to protect you all this time, not wanting you hurt by people passing in and out of your lives. Now... well, it's different in a way because I'm here, and she shouldn't have to be alone, you know. You're growing up. Probably won't be around much longer. It's time for her to start thinking about having a life of her own.”

 

“ Did you ever really love her?” Caleb was more picking at the protein bar now than eating it. Shepard watched him for a few moments before answering.

 

“ I honestly don't know, Caleb. Your mom was a good friend to me when I needed one desperately. My dad was a mean son of a bitch who preferred hitting me to talking to me or spending time with me. Your mom helped me through a lot of that. So... yeah, I guess I did love her in a way.”

 

“ But... not enough to stay with her... or me?”

 

Gabe's expression was pinched, pained. “Caleb... I swear to you, I didn't know about you until we met last year. Your grandparents moved and took your mom with them before I found out. I had no idea. We were just kids. It wasn't like I could have gone after her.”

 

“ I understand that. I'm sorry if it seems like I don't.”

 

“ No need to apologize. Tell me what all this has to do with James.”

 

“ I overheard him and mom talking. They're talking about getting married after the war.”

 

“ That's a good thing,” Gabe said. “Don't you like James?”

 

“ I like James just fine, except that... he's not you.”

 

“ Bud, I'm not sure I follow. Shoot me straight. What's the problem?”

 

“ If she marries James, will he think he can be my dad? Tell me what to do? Where does that leave you? I...  _ you're _ my dad. Not James!”

 

Shepard finally moved onto the bench beside his son and wrapped an arm around him, their armor clacking together as he did so. “Caleb, listen to me... no one is going to try to replace me in your life. Not James. Not Zaeed. Nor any other man that your mom might date or marry, okay? I'm your dad, but the truth is... I have a very dangerous job, and I might not be around. Don't... Caleb, don't let your hurt and anger cause you to shut people out of your life. Don't make the same mistakes I made. You have to enjoy this time now, and remember it later when things aren't so enjoyable.”

 

“ I don't want you to die.” A tear worked its way down Caleb's cheek.

 

“ I don't want to die either, Caleb, but I'm not afraid of it. I'll do what I have to to make sure you and Zaeed and your mom and the rest of the galaxy are safe. Whatever it takes.”

 

Gabe didn't think his words would be enough. How did you get a sixteen year old to understand things that most grown men can't comprehend? Still, Caleb had always seemed wise beyond his years to Shepard, and he watched as the resignation settled over the teen's face. Maybe he'd never really understand the things Gabe did, the choices he'd made, but Shepard knew that he'd come to accept it in time. It showed a maturity that honestly left Gabe feeling humbled and amazed.

 

“ I love you, dad.”

 

“ I love you too, son,” Gabe told him, hoping it would be enough to sustain him should the worst come to pass. He hadn't lied; he wasn't ready to die again. However, he'd learned long ago that life did what it willed whether you were ready for it or not. “Come on. Let's not worry about what might happen tomorrow. Let's just focus on today, okay?”

 

Caleb nodded.

 

“ You want to go back into the simulator?”

 

“ Nah, I'm hungry!”

 

“ You also stink!” Shepard nudged him with an elbow while Caleb laughed. “Come on, let's hit the showers then go find some grub.”

 

“ Yes, sir. And dad?”

 

Shepard turned to face the boy, “Yeah?”

 

“ Thanks for... well, everything.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Broody Gabe is my bread and butter! :)

“ You're going on a date with Joker?”

 

“ It's not a date,” Shepard said, scowling. “It's business.”

 

“ Business that requires a fancy sushi restaurant?”

 

“ It's not a date,” he repeated with more conviction.

 

Zaeed laughed and pulled Gabe's face close for a kiss. “Joker couldn't handle you anyway,” he muttered with a gravelly chuckle. “You'd break his damn hip bones for sure.”

 

“ That... is a disturbing thought, Massani. Please, I'd rather not have to bleach my brain tonight.”

 

Hands stroked along Gabe's chest, over his shoulders, and down his arms as his husband kissed him again. “Invite him over here for business. That'll give us a little more time to ourselves before you have to meet him.”

 

“ Not that your offer isn't tempting...” Gabe's voice broke off in a moan as Zaeed's teeth scraped across his Adam's apple. “Fuck.” It took tremendous effort to push the man away, both pairs of eyes glazed with lust as they took each other in. “Oh, goddammit, come here!”

 

Laughing, Zaeed tackled him back onto the bed.

 

**

 

“ I fucking told you going out to dinner with Joker was a terrible goddamn idea,” Zaeed scolded as Shepard sat on the foot of the bed with an ice pack on his eye. “Maybe next time you'll listen.”

 

“ Bite my ass, Zaeed. How the hell was I supposed to know the whole fucking thing was a setup? Why don't you do something fucking useful and go get me a goddamn drink?”

 

Zaeed would've smacked him upside the back of the head if it hadn't been for Shepard's headache. The truth was, the whole ordeal had shaken them both to their bones. The clone was dead, but that didn't stop the kernel of doubt that had been planted in both their minds. He hadn't known Shepard before Cerberus had put the man back together again, but there was something sinister about the whole thing now that hadn't been there before.

 

He grabbed an entire bottle of scotch. The good stuff – a hundred year old bottle of Ardbeg, distilled on Islay back when there was no such thing as synthohol and distilleries still malted barley by hand. He brought two glasses as well, and led Shepard by the hand to the sitting area outside their bedroom, pouring them each a couple fingers in a glass.

 

They drank in silence, lost to thought, and Shepard groaned as he propped his feet on the low table and leaned his head back against the couch. Zaeed lit a cigarette for him and passed it over. Shepard took it gratefully, the end glowing red as he pulled on it, smoke curling slowly from his lips as he exhaled.

 

“ Clones don't have memories,” he said, and Zaeed would have thought the statement was out of nowhere if he hadn't known his husband so well. Shepard always thought too goddamn much. Brooding is what it bloody well was.

 

“ He said as much.” Zaeed didn't know the first goddamn thing about clones, never having encountered one before. He scratched his head as though it hurt to think about it too much, and Gabe downed the rest of his scotch before pouring them each another.

 

Blue eyes contemplated the dark liquid for a few brief moments, and Zaeed wondered what he saw there. Shepard took another sip and hummed before licking his lips. “This is really good.”

 

Zaeed would've laughed, but he knew it would likely snap the tenuous hold Shepard had on sanity at the moment. Taking another slow sip, Gabe set his glass down and snubbed out his cigarette before sliding across the couch to where his husband sat. His tongue tasted like smoke and a hint of sweetness from the scotch as he licked into Zaeed's mouth, hungry for something to ground him back into reality.

 

“ Here?” he asked as Shepard tugged the merc's shirt up to expose bare skin.

 

“ Here. Caleb and Lily will be gone for a few hours.” His voice was deep and dripping with lust, and Zaeed crumbled to it, like he did every time.

 

Gabe moved slowly, fingers and lips mapping Zaeed's chest like it was the first time he'd ever laid eyes on it. His tongue traced the patterns of tattoos and scars covering the man's skin, and Massani let him, hand gently cradling the back of his head.

 

“ I fucking love you,” Shepard muttered, dipping his tongue into Zaeed's navel, and his husband returned the sentiment, content to be the sole focus of Shepard's undivided attention for awhile. Steady fingers popped the button on Massani's trousers, and the merc groaned as Gabe palmed his erection through his briefs. Lips followed the movement of his hand, leaving the fabric damp in their wake, then Shepard grazed his teeth over the stiff outline of Zaeed's dick.

 

He curled his fingers around the waistband of both pants and underwear, and Zaeed lifted his hips to aid in their removal. Shepard abandoned the task when the garments were tangled around the man's calves then slid off the couch onto his knees. Hot breath drifted across the sensitive flesh of his erection. Shepard's tongue darted out for a taste now and again but never giving in and taking it into his mouth. Lips caressed one of his balls, followed by his slick tongue, and they moaned in sync with one another.

 

Finally, Gabe pulled Zaeed's pants off the rest of the way, then sat up straight to pull his own shirt off. Massani's hands instantly sought contact with the smooth, warm skin of his shoulders, and Gabe pulled on his husband's legs until he was lying flat on his back and spread his legs out further. Slipping his hands under Zaeed's ass, Shepard lifted, granting him access to his husband's entrance.

 

He planted a kiss, dead center, then trailed more kisses upwards against his perineum, nose pressing against his balls. Back and forth he went, kissing and licking the sensitive area until Zaeed was nearly ready to beg. Gabe pulled one testicle into his mouth, suckling gently as he massaged the ring of muscle with one finger.

 

“ Gabe,” his breath was shaky with want, but Shepard was in no rush. He lavished attention on the area never actually breaching his entrance, taking a simple pleasure in driving his husband mad.

 

Shepard moved to Zaeed's dick, licking a stripe up the underside before wrapping his lips around the head just long enough to taste the pre-come dripping from it. He kissed his way up his husband's body, twirling his tongue around each nipple a few times as his finger still moved slowly round and round Zaeed's hole. “Be right back,” he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to the merc's lips.

 

Zaeed wanted to whine in frustration, but he figured Shepard was going to get lube. He wasn't wrong. Gabe knelt again and resumed his worship of his husband's body. A lubed finger finally slipped into him, and Zaeed hissed in pleasure, eyes locking on Shepard's. Never had he seen such devotion, such adoration, directed at him from anyone. Gabe's blue eyes drank him in, every inch of him, every scar and blemish.

 

One hand began to stroke his cock slowly, gently as a second finger was added, and Shepard leaned up to bring their mouths together. Every kiss and breath of air was unhurried. Zaeed grumbled when Shepard removed his fingers, but took great interest in watching his husband spread lube over his cock. When Gabe climbed up onto the couch and shifted into him, Zaeed rose to meet him.

 

The control Shepard had kept till now seemed to break, and he snapped his hips forward with bruising force and a fierce growl. “Remember the first time we fucked?” he asked on a gasp.

 

“ You bet your ass I do,” Zaeed grinned and Shepard returned it. Gabe recounted everything he remembered from their first time together – from the way he'd pined over Massani for weeks before finally making a move, to the thrill he felt when the merc sucked him, to the way it felt when Zaeed had fucked him.

 

Sweat beaded on his brow as he continued to plunge into his husband, both of them muttering memories of their time together. Gabe's hands smoothed up and down Zaeed's body, desperate in a way that unnerved him. He wasn't ready to let go. Wasn't ready to say goodbye, and the way Shepard acted was as if this was the last time they'd ever get to be together.

 

Zaeed gripped Gabe's face in his hands, forcing their eyes to meet. “Stay with me, Gabe,” he said, tone almost pleading.

 

Shepard smiled and nodded, not speaking, letting his body convey what he was feeling, and Zaeed couldn't shake the fear that Gabe really was saying goodbye. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried, and he wasn't about to start now. The end of the war was coming, and nothing could stop it. As much as he loved Gabe and wanted a chance to see what it would be like on the other side, he knew, with the same certainty as Shepard, that it was unlikely. Still, he wasn't ready to see that cold resignation in his husband's eyes. Not yet. Not ever.

 

They came together, lips pressed so tight they could barely breathe, let alone make a sound. Zaeed held Shepard tightly as he shivered through the aftershocks. “What do you say we check out that hot tub?” he murmured once they'd subsided.

 

“ Sounds good.”

 

They cleaned up the evidence of what they'd been doing and made their way to their room, locking the door. They sat in silence as the water churned around them, and Zaeed couldn't help wondering what was going on in his husband's mind at the moment.

 

He decided to try to distract the man instead of figuring him out. “You ever been to the beach, Shepard?”

 

“ Sure. ICT is in Rio. Even then they gave us a weekend off here and there.”

 

“ First time I ever went was to Thorney Bay. It's just about the closest thing there is to a beach near London. I was sixteen.” Gabe was watching his husband intently. “It's a shit beach,” he went on while Shepard laughed. “But I remember thinking that if the ocean was as vast as all that, what the hell did that say about the galaxy?”

 

Shepard laughed again. “Hard to conceive of an endless galaxy when you're crowded in by buildings on every side.”

 

“ When I was older, I visited Earth again. Wanted to go to the beach. I found this little place in Greece. Secluded. Very few tourists. I'd love to take you there sometime.”

 

“ Is that where you take your dates to impress them?”

 

Zaeed's chuckle was dry as ever. “I may have taken a dame or two there. Never a man though. More importantly... never you.”

 

“ If it still exists, I'd love to go with you.”

 

“ It still exists. If not, we'll find somewhere like it.”

 

“ You're just a little ray of sunshine tonight, aren't you?” Gabe grinned at the man.

 

“ I'm just tired of your bloody brooding!”

 

The smile he tried for, never quite made it, and Shepard sighed instead. “Hard not to brood when the end of the world is coming.”

 

“ I hear you, Gabe, but all we can do is our best.”

 

“ And if the best isn't good enough?” Shepard sighed, rubbing his eyes with tired fingers, wincing at the pressure against the black eye he'd forgotten about. Zaeed leaned over to kiss the bruise, and Shepard gave him a disapproving look.

 

“ You know the stakes, Shepard. I don't have to remind you of that. Doesn't change the goddamn facts. You'll give it your all, Gabe. Just like you always do. All we can do after that is hope it fucking works. Worrying yourself sick now isn't going to change a goddamn thing.” He shifted in his seat to face his husband, taking Shepard's face in his hands, “If these are our last few days, then let’s spend them together. You, me, and Caleb. Let's not waste the time we have left.”

 

Gabe was struck with the sheer irony of Zaeed's words. Hadn't he just told Caleb the same damned thing a day or two ago? Instead of 'brooding' – as Zaeed called it – Shepard nodded and leaned into a kiss. “I'm sorry.”

 

“ What do you say to some takeout and a vid?”

 

“ I say you're going soft in your old age, Massani,” Gabe grinned. 


	22. Chapter 22

“ I'm sending you both to Hackett's ship,” Shepard announced. “He's doing it as a favor to me.”

 

Caleb jumped off the couch in the Normandy's starboard observation lounge. “Like hell!” the boy shouted. “I'm staying with you!”

 

“ Caleb!” Lily shot a glare at her son first, then Shepard, surprised by the boy's outburst. Gabe held up a hand and ordered him to sit. Caleb obeyed, though it was obviously a struggle.

 

“ I don't want you to go anymore than you do, but the Normandy is going to be on the front lines in the upcoming battle. Hackett's fleet will be with the Crucible. It'll stay safest the longest. Plus, his ship is a dreadnought. It will last longer in a firefight than the Normandy.” His gaze flicked back and forth between mother and son.

 

A week ago, they'd been enjoying the brief reprieve of shore leave, knowing that the illusion couldn't last. Now that Cerberus had been dealt with once and for all, the Normandy would be docking with Hackett's ship within the hour in preparation for the final assault on Earth. During their time together, Shepard had tried to impart any wisdom to Caleb that he could. It was his way of saying goodbye, and the boy knew it. Despite the relaxing time they'd had, Caleb had become more and more distant as the week had worn on. It was painful for Gabe, but he certainly understood. He'd all but told the boy he was going to die sometime in the next week or so – and he honestly believed he would.

 

Shepard had never been afraid of death. In fact, for most of his life, he'd looked forward to it in some twisted way. He'd never had a reason to live before now. Life had been about service, duty, and nothing more. Now he had Zaeed and Caleb to live for, and he found that he wasn't as ready to meet his end as he'd once been. He couldn't help mourning the chances they'd never have together.

 

“ Caleb,” he said softly. “I can't protect you if you stay here. Above all else, you have to live through this. You and your mom,” he shot Lily a quick look.

 

“ I don't want you to go,” his son said, tears trickling down his cheeks.

 

“ I don't want to go either, but I don't have a choice. We have to stop them. _ I  _ have to stop them.”

 

“ Why you, though? Why can't someone else do it?”

 

“ Because it's the responsibility that's been given to me,” Shepard said, moving to sit beside his son and pulling him into his arms. Caleb had grown so much in the last year. He was still a skinny thing, but his lanky frame had started filling out, muscles a little more defined thanks to his workouts with James. A dusting of hair shadowed his jaw and upper lip, but he refused to shave it off, much to Gabe's amusement. In so many ways, Caleb was still just a kid, but every single day, he showed more and more how he was becoming a man. Gabe longed for a chance to see it happen, but he'd learned long ago that wishes couldn't defy destiny.

 

Shepard drew a deep breath, wondering exactly how to make Caleb see. “Would you still respect me if I turned my back on this now?” he asked gently.

 

“ Yes!” Caleb sniffled against Shepard's shirt, then sighed, “Probably not, no.”

 

A rueful smile curled Gabe's lips. “I thought not. You're strong, Caleb. You and your mom are going to be fine. You're going to do amazing things.” He pulled back and gripped his son's face with both hands, whispering the words he wished he could have heard his father speak to him just once. “I'm so proud of you, Caleb, and I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. You have to be brave now, son. We all do. For better or worse, everything will be decided in the next few days, and I promise you I'm not going to give up until the last reaper falls.”

 

Tears flowed freely down both their cheeks as Shepard continued to watch the boy's eyes – his brother by blood, conceived by the horrific actions of a despicable man; his son in his heart, born of a love that he'd never realized could exist. “If I don't make it back, then just know... finding out about you was the happiest moment of my life, and I have absolutely no regrets.”

 

Caleb buried his face against Gabe's shoulder and sobbed while Shepard held him. “I love you, dad. I'm proud of you, too.”

 

**

 

Shepard said his goodbyes to Caleb and Lily watching them leave through the airlock. Heartbreak was an unfamiliar feeling. One he hadn't experienced since his mother had died. The crushing weight on his chest made it difficult to breathe, and it was only Zaeed's hand on his elbow that kept him tethered to the here and now.

 

Before he'd met Zaeed, moments such as this would have sent him into a dizzying spiral of torturous memories, inevitably leaving him scraped raw from the inside out. Somehow the merc had been able to soothe Shepard's demons. Others had tried in the past – people who saw him as their pet project, thinking they were going to be the one to succeed in 'fixing him' where countless others had failed. What it was about Zaeed Massani that had finally breached the icy shell of his heart, Shepard had never quite figured out. All he knew now was that he couldn't stand the thought of the life he'd lived before, and he never wanted to go back.

 

Briefly, the thought had crossed his mind to send Zaeed with Caleb and Lily. His husband could have protected them where Shepard himself could not. Zaeed was just as much a soldier as Shepard, however, despite his chosen profession. The fight was on Earth, and that's where Massani would be. Selfishly, Shepard was glad his husband would be by his side. If they went down, they'd do it together, and there was a morbid sort of comfort in that thought.

 

Forcing his thoughts away from his family, he concentrated on his duty. Everything would be won or lost in the next few days – or hours, depending on how things went. For better or worse, this was it. Something deep in Shepard's soul told him that this was the last battle he would ever fight, and that this time, there would be no multi-billion credit resurrection project.

 

A sharp breath steeled his nerves, and Shepard turned to Joker. Hackett's ship was escorting the Crucible. No matter how they worked this, the fight would be difficult and costly. All that was left of the fifth fleet would precede the flotilla of science vessels surrounding the weapon and escort them to the Citadel – the Catalyst – as soon as Shepard's ground team prepared the station. Every other fleet and ship in the galaxy would be thrown against the reapers in a full frontal assault to buy Shepard and his crew some time.

 

An asinine plan.

 

The odds of success hovered somewhere disturbingly close to zero percent; yet it was the only plan they had. Desperate didn't do justice to the hopelessness of these, quite probably, their final hours.

 

It was Shepard's job to make the others believe, however, so he held himself stiffly – shoulders squared, chin high – and dared anyone to doubt that every one of them would still be standing at this time tomorrow and that the reapers would have been obliterated by then.

 

“ Take us to the rendezvous, Joker.”

 

“ Aye, Sir.”

 

**

 

Zaeed stood behind his husband, stoically listening as each fleet arrived in the Sol system, pronouncing that all ships were accounted for. He was proud of Gabe. The man had endured so much turmoil during his life, but he stood at the ready now, prepared to face his own death for a second time. The merc was aware that his husband believed his death to be inevitable, and some part of Zaeed believed it as well. Neither of them could afford to eschew this responsibility, however.

 

If the fate of the galaxy rested on Gabriel Shepard's shoulders, then Shepard's fate rested on Zaeed's. If his husband died today, he wouldn't do it alone. This fight had been so long in the coming, and to be standing here witnessing it all come to a head was thrilling in its own right. If they managed to kill the goddamn machines and live through the night, so much the better.

 

Gabe paced the short length of the cockpit as the fleets announced their presence. His black and red armor fit like a glove, and Zaeed couldn't resist admiring his form. Hell, it might just be the last chance he ever got. Such thoughts were unhealthy and unhelpful, but they were there, nonetheless. Closing his eyes he thought back to their last night together – before the attack on Cronos Station. Gabe's sapphire eyes had held him spellbound as they committed every breath and kiss and touch to memory. Those memories would sustain him during the battle to come.

 

Commander Shepard came to a stop behind the pilot's chair, standing tall, hands clasped behind his back – the epitome of an Alliance soldier. “All fleets reporting in, Commander,” Joker announced. “Ready to engage on your command.”

 

Earth was visible through the viewport. Half the planet blazed orange – the fires of the reapers devastation evident even from space. Debris floated around the sphere, flotsam of the ships that had been destroyed while trying to escape. Rage, violent and irrepressible, welled within the merc, and he clenched his fist tightly around it, holding onto it, precious as a lifeline.

 

The reapers had cost them too much already. That ended here. Today. Shepard would see it through, and Massani would guard his back like the fiercest watchdog. What the reapers had failed to take into account was that a pissed off and determined Gabriel Shepard was more ferocious and brutal than the very fires of hell itself, and Zaeed Massani was his protector – savagely defending his lover till his dying breath. The Cerberus to Shepard's Hades. Together, they were the guardians of humanity that the Illusive Man had been blinded to by his egomania, and what Cerberus – the organization – had failed to accomplish, Gabriel had managed through courage, determination, and a fuck ton of stubborn will.

 

Shepard caught his husband's eyes, nodded swiftly, then faced forward, arms crossing over his chest. The warning klaxons blared throughout the ship, signaling the proximity of enemy forces. “This is it everyone,” Shepard spoke crisply into the comms. “Be ready on my signal.”

 

Zaeed felt it – the collective pause, as if every living soul in the galaxy drew a breath and held it there. Every battle he'd ever fought in – entirely too many to count – had begun with this same calm reassurance. They were trained for this. Everyone here knew exactly which part they were required to play. Everyone had their lines down by heart. Everyone knew that this was it. Millions of lives would be lost here today – thousands in the next few minutes alone. The weight of each soul, the anticipation of the coming battle, the fear that a man just can't shake no matter how many battles he's faced, how many bullets he's dodged – or taken. The air on every ship was pregnant with that pause, until every last person felt ready to burst.

 

Gabe's head was lowered as he waited. What was going through his mind, Zaeed could only guess, but his heart clenched without his permission when Shepard's head snapped up, blue eyes opening to the madness around him once more. “Fire.”

 

The order was so quiet he had to strain to hear it, but the message was received by the fleets, loud and clear. Suddenly, the space around the Normandy exploded with light and sound as the ships opened fire on their mortal enemies. The haunting red beams of the reapers' cannons illuminated the sky and began cutting through ships as if they were made of sand. All too quickly, entire ships – frigates and cruisers, alike – disintegrated before their very eyes, spewing lifeless bodies and jetsam into the vacuum of space.

 

Shepard's face twisted with fury. “On my command, engage the reaper forces,” he demanded.

 

“ Roger that,” the leader of the fighter squadrons acknowledged. “All fighters on me!”

 

“ Attack!” he barked as soon as the ships were in range, and the shitstorm that was the Battle for Earth became a frenzy of firepower and death.

 

“ Breaking off,” Joker informed them. “Preparing for descent.”

 

“ Vega, Massani, meet me at the shuttle.”

 

James acknowledged Shepard's orders through their helmet comms, and Gabe caught Zaeed's gaze one last time. The merc gave a quick nod and turned his back on his husband. The calm before the storm was over. Now it was time for the fight of their lives. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two more chapters to go! Thanks for sticking with me this far!


	23. Chapter 23

It was the first time he'd been in this room in weeks. He was a bloody coward. A coward who couldn't face the fact that it was over, that Shepard was gone.

 

“ _ Don't you dare call the goddamn Normandy. You're not going without me!” _

 

“ _ Zaeed, your fucking leg is shattered, and I can't carry your ass. You have to go!” _

 

“ _ Gabe-” _

 

“ _ You're a goddamn liability, Massani!” Shepard shouts. “Get your ass on that ship!” _

 

Zaeed avoided the bed, choosing to slump into the chair beside it instead. His last real moments with Shepard had been there between those crisp white sheets, starched to the point of near misery. The room sat exactly as they'd left it save the overturned whiskey bottle on the table, the tumblers that had rolled under the edge of the couch. It was as if only the coffee table had been disturbed, tripped over by careless feet, jostling away the last drink they'd ever share together. He leaned back in the chair, head against the backrest, muttered curses spilling from his lips.

 

Taking a deep breath, he let the scent of Shepard that permeated the air fill him – smoke and gun oil and whiskey. He cracked open one eye to glance at the bed. Crawling under those goddamn scratchy sheets would nearly cocoon him in the smell, and if he strained, he could pretend that Gabe was still there with him, holding him in a warm embrace. He knew it would be agony, though. Gabe was gone. No one was rebuilding him this time. It was over. No sense tormenting himself with things that could never be again. He closed his eyes to the view, tried to dull his senses to the atmosphere around him.

 

“ _ You need me!” _

 

“ _ I'll always need you, Zaeed,” Shepard says more softly. “But you can't go with me. Not this time.” _

 

“ _ I'm not going to fucking beg!” _

 

“ _ Good.” Gabe kisses his lips for the last time. “Good. Go, Zaeed. Take care of Caleb for me.” _

 

“ _ I...” Defeat like he's never known swallows the rest of his arguments. “I fucking love you, you bastard.” _

 

“ _ I fucking love you, too.” _

 

Zaeed let out a feral yell into the empty room. There was no one to hear his cries of anguish – no fish in the bloody fish tank, not even EDI had survived whatever the hell happened on that goddamn Citadel. How could there be even the smallest hope?

 

Tears burned in his eyes, blurring his vision, but he scrubbed them away before they could fall. The last time he could remember crying, he was no more than a sniveling brat on the streets of London, cold, hungry, and alone.

 

Those days had been dark and bleak, much like his current circumstances, but he'd learned how to overcome, how to push past pain, physical or emotional. As a kid, he'd figured out how to get by on his own, taking what he needed. After Vido's betrayal, he'd channeled rage into work, using it to numb the pain while he hunted for the man who'd tried to end his life, destroying others like him in the process. The same rage that had fueled him before now left him hollow, intensifying the ache rather than subduing it.

 

“Goddamnit, Gabe!” He shouted to the ceiling. “God- _ fucking _ -damnit!”

 

He growled and crossed the room, righting the overturned bottle of whiskey. He got down on his knees to find the tumblers they'd used their last night together, pulling them from their resting place under the couch. Setting them on the table, he filled both, then stared at them, unsure of how to proceed from here.

 

Gabe was everywhere in this room. The memory of his smile, his laughter, his bright, blue eyes tortured as much as soothed him. Zaeed could almost feel Gabe's lips at his ear, hear the murmured words of love and lust from their last night together in this room. He lifted the glass to his lips, taking a tentative sip, feeling the ghost of battle-worn hands on his skin. “Gabe.” He let out a shaky breath. “God damn you.”

 

**

 

“You're not going, Caleb, and that's final.”

 

Caleb knew his dad would probably be pissed that he was defying his mother, but he didn't care. If there was a chance he was still alive, then Caleb was going to be with that goddamn search and rescue team. Even if it hurt his mother. Even if she punished him later. Nothing in all the galaxy mattered more than finding his dad right now. He snapped the pieces of red and black armor into place, just the way dad had shown him. When the last latch hissed closed, he met his mother's eyes.

 

“Please don't try to stop me,” he begged. “I have to do this!”

 

“You're just a child, they're not going to let you go, Caleb. I'm sorry.”

 

“I'm going to be on that damned shuttle come hell or high water,” Caleb ground out, raising his chin defiantly at his mother.

 

Lily sighed, knowing it was a waste of breath to argue with a Shepard. Gabe may have only been Caleb's brother biologically, but there was no denying the fact that the two of them were cut from the same cloth. “I wish you wouldn't use language like that around me,” she said quietly, resignation in her voice.

 

“I'm sorry mom.” At least he had the courtesy to seem embarrassed.

 

Lily huffed again. “Go,” she said, voice barely above a whisper. “Just... please be careful.”

 

“I will. I promise. And I'll bring dad back. You'll see.” Caleb kissed his mother on the cheek, strapped the guns Gabe had given him to his armor and bolted out the door.

 

Lily slid down the wall, needing it to keep her upright, until her ass hit the floor. She wondered how time had gone by so quickly. Caleb was still a child but wore a man's face. Of course she'd known the day would come that he'd slip out from under her protective wing. It was one of the reasons she'd contacted Shepard in the first place.

 

There had been no way of knowing how the man would react to finding out he had a brother. She'd heard things about him in news stories that concerned her, made her wonder if it was the best course of action. After meeting Gabe again, she discovered that her worries hadn't been wholly unfounded, but Caleb had had a positive effect on her old friend. Even if she didn't like all the changes that had overcome Caleb in the last year, she knew the reverse had been just as true.

 

No longer the shy boy, scared of his own shadow, that he'd been before, he was strong and confident, ready to face whatever life threw at him. Gabe and Zaeed had taught him how to meet the world head on, and that had been a good thing. The cursing and running headlong into dangerous situations, she could have lived without. Nothing came without a price, though. Reaching out to Gabriel Shepard had been the second best decision of her life – the first being the choice to keep Caleb. She couldn't quite shake the feeling that she'd played a part in saving her old friend from himself and given her son the one thing he'd always wanted in the process – a father.

 

It was a fool's hope to think that Gabe had survived the destruction of the Citadel, and more than anything, she wanted to protect Caleb from that heartache. Her mother's instinct screamed at her to go after him, to stop him, to shield him from the pain. She couldn't protect him forever, though, and she knew it. Caleb wouldn't rest until he found Gabe, and she knew if she prevented him from being part of the rescue, he'd resent her for the rest of his life.

 

She'd never held to any particular religious faith, but she found herself praying, all the same. “Please let him find Gabe alive.”

 

**

 

Caleb's boot squelched then slipped in a pile of goo, and he didn't even want to know what it was. Bile burned the back of his throat, but he wasn't about to let himself puke. He couldn't imagine his dad barfing over a putrid smell like this, so he damn well wasn't going to either.

 

“You even know how to use that thing, kid?” A marine with a flat top and a crooked smile gestured toward the pistol in his hand.

 

He raised his chin defiantly. “Damn right I do.”

 

The marine chuckled. “Well, you've got spirit if nothing else. Gotta name kid?”

 

“Caleb,” he replied, turning away from the man to check out a large pile of debris to his right. How the hell they planned to find anyone in this mess, he had no clue. It seemed almost hopeless, but he tried not to get discouraged. They'd only been searching for a few hours. It was too soon to give up.

 

“Well, Caleb, that's a pretty fancy fucking gun for a kid. Where the hell did you get it?”

 

“My dad,” he replied absently, holstering the Carnifex and pulling up his omni-tool for the scanning program Major Coats – the head of the search and rescue team – had transmitted to all of them. There were no life signs in the pile of rubble. He sighed and ran a hand over his head, forgetting that he was wearing a helmet until his hand touched the cold alloy.

 

“Yeah? What's your dad's name?” The marine scanned another nearby pile. The voices of the other two-man squads sounded in the distance. Caleb could see them all, prowling around like shadows as they searched for the corpses of Admiral Anderson and Commander Shepard. No one held out hope that either of them were still alive. No one except for Caleb, it seemed.

 

“Gabe,” he said over his shoulder, moving onto another pile. He was tired, hungry, sweaty, and his feet were on fire, but he wasn't about to ask for a break. It had taken all his meager powers of persuasion to get the Major to let him join the search and rescue team in the first place. He couldn't afford to show any weakness.

 

“You and your dad don't have last names?”

 

“Do you really need to know? What the hell is your name?” Caleb would readily admit his tone was a little surly, but with the fatigue and worry he felt, he couldn't quite control it.

 

The marine simply laughed at him. “Newman. Alexander Newman.”

 

“Shepard,” Caleb replied automatically, thrusting his hand out for the man to shake. “My dad's last name is Shepard.”

 

Newman took his hand with a chuckle. “Nice to meet you, Caleb Shepard.”

 

Caleb didn't bother to correct the man. He'd been meaning to talk to his mom about taking his dad's last name anyway. Actually, he rather liked the way it sounded.

 

“Any relation to Commander Shepard?” Newman asked with a laugh, like it was some great joke. Obviously the marine believed he had a sense of humor. Caleb wasn't sure he wanted to be the one to break it to him that he wasn't funny. At all.

 

“Lieutenant Commander Gabriel Shepard, first human Spectre, Butcher of Torfan, Savior of the Citadel,” Caleb rattled off his dad's titles and monikers as he scanned another pile. “Yeah... I'm related to him.”

 

Newman blinked his big, black eyes as the realization sunk in. “Holy fucking hell,” the marine muttered. “Commander Shepard is your dad?”

 

“Yup.” He kicked a fallen piece of bulkhead in frustration watching as a keeper loped out of the path of the scrap of metal. “How do we even know this is where they were?”

 

“The blast emanated from over there,” Newman pointed toward an area of the room that was scarred and black. He could see the blast pattern, streaks of black jutting out in all directions. It almost looked like something from a cartoon. The smell of smoke and rotting corpses reminded him this was all reality. Brutal, harsh, terrifying reality.

 

Caleb wandered toward the area, muttering curses under his breath and still trying not to wretch. He surveyed the scene with his hands on his hips and felt his heart sinking further and further into despair. A hand on his shoulder made him jump, and he turned to see Newman watching him with concerned eyes.

 

“You okay, kid?”

 

He nodded weakly, scanning the room once more.

 

“Let's take a break,” Newman suggested. “You look like you could use it.”

 

**

 

“Hola, Viejo,” Vega clapped a hand on Zaeed's shoulder, sliding his bulk onto the bar stool beside him.

 

“Vega.” He drained the remnants of whiskey from his glass and set it down gingerly on the bar in front of him. They'd been stranded on a jungle moon for months, crash landing there after the Crucible fired. During the repairs to the Normandy, he'd managed to keep himself fairly busy, but the journey back to Sol had been long and arduous so far. With little to do to occupy his mind, he'd turned to brooding, one of Gabe's awful habits. He snorted with disdain.

 

“How're you holding up?”

 

“I don't need a goddamn therapist, kid. I can manage just fine on my own.”

 

“Clearly,” James muttered, tapping his fingers on the top of the bar. “Scars thinks we'll be reaching Sol within the next three, four days.”

 

“Wonderful.”

 

“Come on, man. I know this shit is tough-”

 

“You don't know a goddamned thing.”

 

“I know Shepard would be fucking pissed at seeing you moping around like this.”

 

“Fuck Shepard. Who gives a shit what he would do?” He didn't want to acknowledge how much his hand shook as he attempted to pour another glass of whiskey. The way the liquid sloshed over the rim of the glass and onto the bar top gave him away. James gently grabbed the bottle from his hand and refilled the tumbler for him. Zaeed grunted in appreciation, took another sip.

 

“You're pissed. I get it. You're mad he didn't take you with him. But why? So you could wind up dead, too?”

 

Zaeed let out a wild cry and shoved the younger man off his stool. “Go to hell, Vega,” he yelled. “You don't know me! You don't-”

 

James stood his ground, staring him down, faces so close their noses were almost touching. “What I know is that there's a chance he's still alive – just like Lily and Caleb! What I know is we have to be strong until we know for fucking certain that they're gone. What I know is that if I bring you back to Gabe Shepard looking like this, he's going to kick my ass! Don't fucking tell me what I do or don't know! We're all fucking terrified of what we're going home to. Stop being such a goddamn selfish bastard for five fucking minutes!”

 

The merc launched himself at the man. In his drunken stupor, Zaeed's punch was off target, hitting James right in the corner of his mouth, rather than the nose he'd been aiming for. It still had the desired effect of shutting the man the hell up for one blessed second. James grinned at him, spitting blood onto the floor.

 

“'Least I got you off your ass for a minute.” The younger man laughed briefly before his face turned to stone again. “Be pissed all you fucking want to, but you're going to listen to what I have to say. You love Shepard, I love Lily, and they both love that kid. Where I come from, that makes you and me family, and I'm not going to watch you sit here and fucking waste away.”

 

“Leave me the hell alone, Vega!”

 

“Sorry, Viejo, no can do.”

 

“And stop fucking calling me that!” Zaeed snapped, raking a hand through his disheveled hair with a sigh. He sat heavily on the couch, cradling his head in his hands. He'd been out of cigarettes for weeks, and he was ready to kill someone for a hit of nicotine. Hell, he was ready to kill someone for lots of reasons. “I know I'm a goddamn mess right now,” he muttered toward the floor.

 

“No one expects you to keep it all together.”

 

“I've always kept my shit together, Vega. This... goddamn him!”

 

“He did what he thought was best.”

 

“It wasn't best for me, was it?” His voice shook with barely restrained anger. “He did whatever the fuck he wanted to do, just like he always does. He never gave one minute's consideration to... to...”

 

James eased down onto the sofa next to Zaeed, an encouraging hand on his shoulder. The merc started to shift away from the younger man, but stayed, sighing in resignation.

 

“He never gave one minute's thought to what would happen to me... without him.”

 

“I don't believe they're dead,” James said with confidence. “I... we have to hold out hope till we get there.”

 

“I'm fresh out of goddamn hope.”

 

“So be angry, but instead of using that anger to drink yourself into oblivion, use it to help us all to get home to the people we love.”

 

“Gabe always used anger to numb the pain he was feeling.”

 

“Works a damn sight better than booze, and doesn't give you a hangover the next morning.” James squeezed his shoulder with a grin before letting his hand fall away.

 

“I always said rage was a hell of an anesthetic.”

 

**

 

“You know, sometimes I think about all the stuff that used to bother me – the kids at school, my grades, making the basketball team, my crush on Lana,” Caleb laughed with a humorless huff. “It all seems so damned irrelevant now.”

 

He leaned back in his chair, running a hand through his unruly hair. He hadn't cut it in months, and the black curls were a wild tangle on top of his head. Something should probably be done about it soon, especially since mom was hounding him to cut it. Somehow haircuts seemed insignificant in the face of everything else they were dealing with.

 

He clutched the hand on the bed harder. “Damnit, dad! Wake up and talk to me. I just... I need you to wake up.”

 

Gabe Shepard's body – broken and barely recognizable – had been found in the rubble of the Citadel after four days of searching. Caleb had enough sense to recognize a miracle when he saw one. His dad had been lying in this bed ever since, sleeping peacefully while his body healed. Every day the bruises and scars faded and healed a little more until his face had returned to an almost normal color – somewhat paler than before – save the glowing orange lines showing through cracked skin.

 

“Good afternoon, Caleb,” Miranda Lawson greeted the teen in her usual professional manner.

 

“Good afternoon, Ms. Lawson,” he replied, sighing as he watched the mechanical rise and fall of his dad's chest.

 

Miranda peered at the child and sympathy for him welled within her. She knew, of course, that Caleb was not Shepard's son. According to the DNA scan she'd done, he was probably the man's brother, and she didn't want to think about how that could have come about given the age of Caleb's mother. It was really no wonder that Shepard had claimed the boy as his own.

 

During the time she'd spent researching Shepard, she'd turned up surprisingly little of his life before the Alliance. It was public record that he'd been born and raised on Mindoir, and anyone with even a cursory knowledge of history knew what had happened there. Presumably, his parents had both been killed in the raid, but Shepard had never spoken to her about his family.

 

When he'd brought Caleb aboard the Normandy and begun telling everyone he was the boy's father, she'd been furious. She hadn't relayed the information to the Illusive Man because she hadn't wanted him to know how badly she'd fucked up in gathering intel on the Commander's life. It was a critical detail to have been left out of his history. Knowing what she knew now, she was thankful for that decision. The Illusive Man would undoubtedly have tried to take the boy for some nefarious purpose, and Shepard would likely have killed her for it.

 

The fact that Shepard would willingly take on the responsibility of the boy showed a side of him that she'd never thought to see. Shepard was chosen for his ruthless and efficient nature – his ability to get things done at any cost, just like with Torfan. The way Shepard had latched onto the role of father, and later, husband with both hands, had honestly been a surprise, showing a softer side of him that she suspected very few in the galaxy had ever seen – at least none of those left alive.

 

For six months she'd been working tirelessly, day and night, to repair the damage done to his body by the Crucible, and he'd yet to show any signs of ever waking up. His body was healing, the scars mostly fading. Due to his notoriety, she'd been able to have first crack at the most advanced medical technology that could be found. Shepard had been nearly rebuilt from the inside out yet again. He was still unconscious, though, and she had no idea why.

 

Every species had sent doctors to see to his recovery, knowing that everyone in the galaxy owed the man their survival. The more time she spent watching Caleb sit in desperate misery at the bedside of the man he believed to be his father, the more she wanted Shepard to wake up, if for no other reason than to see an end to the boy's suffering.

 

“Why don't you take a walk, Caleb? Stretch your legs; get a cup of coffee. I need to run a few tests today. Shouldn't take too long.”

 

Caleb nodded slowly, squeezing the hand within his own once more before leaving the room. Miranda took up the chair the boy had just vacated, and held Shepard's hand in her own. “I'm sure you would probably cuss me out or maybe even kick me out if you knew I was holding your hand, you stubborn bastard.” She sighed but smiled at the man on the bed. “We were never very good friends, you and I, but I believed in you. Enough to put your sorry ass back together, twice now.”

 

She reached for a tube of ointment for his chapped lips, rubbing a little on his skin. Shepard didn't move. “Does Massani even care if your lips are chapped? Probably not.” She chuckled to herself. “I'm going crazy, obviously. Sitting here talking to an unconscious man, but... Shepard... you're not done yet. Your job isn't finished. The galaxy has asked so much of you, taken so much from you, but I know you have more to give. I'm done watching your  _ son _ die a little every time he walks through that door to find you still unconscious, so I need you to wake up! Get out of that bed! Not for me or the Council or the galaxy, but for Caleb. He needs you, Shepard.”

 

Miranda watched him for any sign of movement or recognition, but saw none. Not that she expected her little speech to work wonders. It had been little more than wishful thinking. She'd just stood up to go over her charts when Caleb returned, a cup of coffee for her as well as one for himself. He was certainly more considerate than his father. Turning her back on father and son, she listened as Caleb began to speak once more.

 

“This is one of mom's favorite stories to tell. When I was five, we took a trip to Earth...”

 

**

 

“ _ This isn't the end.” _

 

“ _ I certainly don't want it to be.” _

 

“ _ Then don't let it.” _

 

_ Shepard laughs. “And if I can't help it?” _

 

“ _ Make sure I go with you.” _

 

“ _ I can't do that, Zaeed.” _

 

“ _ You can and you will. I've no goddamn intention of facing the world after this war without you by my side.” _

 

“ _ You're talking like a fucking crazy person, you know that?” _

 

“ _ I'm talking like a man in love who doesn't want to lose his husband.” _

 

“Zaeed...”

 

_ His protests are held up by a pair of soft lips. He remembers dreaming about those lips for weeks before he finally took a chance and kissed the man. Every detail is vivid now – those soft lips engulfing him, their wet slide up the length of his cock. _

 

_ Shepard groans, _ “Zaeed...”

 

“I'm here, Gabe. I'm here. Come on. Open your bloody eyes.”

 

Shepard felt pressure against his fingers, warm and comforting. He tried to open his eyes, but the light on the other side of them was too bright, blinding. “Where... am I?”

 

“A hospital in London. Can you open your eyes for me?” A different voice this time – a female voice with a thick accent that he couldn't place. He tried opening his eyes again but slammed them shut in wake of the light that flooded in.

 

“Turn the goddamn lights down!”

 

“Zaeed?”

 

“I'm here, Gabe. Not going anywhere.”

 

The voices faded in and out, and he was vaguely aware of being poked and prodded while something beeped incessantly in the back of his mind. It ground on his nerves making him lash out, if only to make it stop.

 

“Lie still, Commander.”

 

“Miranda?”

 

The light dimmed considerably, and Gabe blinked his eyes open at last. His breathing began to even out after his brief bout of thrashing on the bed. The first thing he saw as the world slipped back into focus was a familiar pair of mismatched eyes – one pale blue, one emerald green. He tried to smile, not sure if he was accomplishing it, but the expression he received in return made him think he just might have.

 

“You stubborn goddamn bastard,” Zaeed grinned. “I missed you, you bloody arse.”

 

“Missed you, too.”

 

“Don't you ever fucking do that to me again.”

 

“Never.” Shepard licked his lips, tongue so dry it did little good. The cool rim of a cup pressed against his mouth, and he took a few greedy sips until Miranda reminded him he'd be sick if he drank too much at once.

 

“There's someone else who's been dying to see you. I've taken the liberty of calling Caleb. He hadn't been long gone and should be back any-”

 

“Dad!”

 

Miranda smiled and slipped out of the room, while Zaeed moved out of the way so the boy could get to his father. Caleb was careful not to jostle the man on the bed. Instead of embracing Gabe, he sat carefully on the edge of the chair by the bed, taking his father's hand in his own.

 

“Hey, kid,” Gabe said, voice hoarse from disuse.

 

“I'm glad you're going to be okay.”

 

“I guess that remains to be seen,” Shepard told him with a chuckle that morphed into a cough. “Probably be awhile before I can even walk across the room to take a piss by myself.”

 

Caleb laughed softly. “You're awake to talk to us, now. That's all that matters to me.”

 

“Our boy's a bloody hero,” Zaeed said, clapping the kid on the back. Caleb glanced at the floor with an embarrassed grin. “He's the one who found you, pulled your ass out of the rubble up on the Citadel.”

 

Shepard listened to the tale intently, a wide smile nearly splitting his face in two. Caleb and Zaeed kept talking, even as he began to drift in and out of consciousness again. There were still plenty of unanswered questions, but for now, it was enough to know that he was alive, and so was his family. He was vaguely aware of a pair of lips on his own, then a gentle squeeze to his shoulder before his dreams took him once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last official chapter! There will be a short epilogue on Wednesday. Thanks for sticking around till the end!


	24. Epilogue

“ Going dark.”

 

Zaeed watched the spot where his husband vanished into thin air, then turned his focus back to the skirmish they'd landed in. It was just their fucking luck. What was supposed to have been a simple drop and grab – get in, get the intel, get out – had, of course turned into a clusterfuck of Commander Shepard proportions.

 

“ Goddamnit!” He raised himself out of cover and fired off a concussive round to thin the herd, caught the shimmer of Shepard's tactical cloak just before blood spurted from a mercenary's neck. Other than the gash, there was no physical evidence of Gabe's presence, and the merc gurgled lifelessly to the floor. The next in line fell in similar fashion before Shepard's cloak flickered out. By then, the Spectre was back in cover.

 

Carefully placed shots from the other side of the field dropped three more mercs before Caleb lobbed a grenade into the center of the group. The mercenaries dove for cover while the younger man grumbled, “How the fuck do we always end up in these situations?”

 

“ Ask your old man,” Zaeed huffed, dropping back into cover to reload after another enemy fell with a smoking hole in his forehead. “He's been getting me into messes like this since I met him.”

 

Shepard's defense drone hovered in the air, giving away his location, but the drone's explosive missiles sent the mercs scattering for cover again, allowing his cloak time to recharge so he could advance on another unsuspecting person. “I've never gotten you into any mess you didn't want to be in, Massani.”

 

Caleb groaned. Zaeed laughed.

 

A woman died from Gabe's omni-blade to her heart, then he unleashed a cryo blast and sabotage attack in quick succession, freezing one man to the ground and disabling the weapons of the rest. A sticky grenade was placed on the frozen man's back, and Zaeed lobbed his own inferno grenade into the rest of the unwitting soldiers. A grenade from the opposite end of the room landed in their midst, as one woman dropped from a neruo-shock.

 

“ I'm safe,” Shepard said, just as the grenades went off and the rest of the merc's fell to the ground howling in agony. “You didn't wait for my signal!”

 

“ I knew you'd get your ass out of the way.” Zaeed made one last sweep to be sure they got everyone.

 

“ You almost lit my ass on fire!” Shepard groused, nudging one of the bodies with the toe of his boot to be sure the man was dead.

 

“ I'll gladly light your ass on fire if we can get this goddamn intel and get back to our cabin.”

 

“ Pops, I'd really appreciate if you wouldn't say things like that about you and dad while I'm here.” Caleb Shepard strode out of his cover at the opposite end of the room covered in soot and blood.

 

“ Right. Because we didn't walk in on you and Mei the other day humping on the goddamn couch like it was going out of style.”

 

“ You and dad were supposed to be gone for the weekend!”

 

“ Mister grumpy arse over here,” he hitched a thumb at Shepard, “can't sleep in an unfamiliar bed.”

 

“ That wasn't what happened, Zaeed, you bastard,” Shepard growled. “You bitched and moaned about every little thing the whole time we were there. It was hands down, our worst anniversary ever.”

 

“ That place was a shithole, Gabe!”

 

Shepard sighed. “Can we just drop it and get the intel? I'm ready to get the fuck out of here.” At the wave of his hand, Caleb went off to do as ordered, re-initiating the download he'd begun before they were ambushed by a ragtag group of mercs calling themselves Phoenix. Zaeed figured that was supposed to be symbolic or some shit, but they'd died just like all the others.

 

Massani approached his husband, smirk firmly in place and grabbed him by the cowl of his armor, yanking him close for a kiss. “I've said I was sorry for ruining our anniversary weekend at least fifty fucking times.”

 

“ Yes, but you still haven't made it up to me.”

 

“ You've turned into a demanding goddamn diva over the last fifteen years.”

 

Shepard rolled his eyes and kissed his husband again. “You're still sexy and distracting as hell, Massani,” the Spectre murmured.

 

“ Think we could sneak off for a minute while the kid gets the rest of that intel?”

 

“ I can hear you,” Caleb called to them. “And no, because I'm done.”

 

**

 

“ We should retire,” Zaeed murmured against the back of Shepard's shoulder.

 

“ You? Retire?”

 

“ Why the hell not?”

 

“ Because I seem to recall making that suggestion a few years ago, and you were rather emphatic in your hatred of the idea. 'Only way I'm retiring is in a goddamn hail of gunfire and glory.'” Shepard reminded him with an affected British accent.

 

“I said that?”

 

“ You know damn good and well you did,” Shepard huffed, rolling over to face his husband. “You really wanna retire?”

 

“ I do.”

 

“ Why? What would we do?”

 

“ Because I'm getting old and fucking tired. Because I want to stop worrying every time you walk out that goddamn door that you're never coming back.” Zaeed pressed his lips to Gabe's. “Because Caleb and Mei are tying the knot soon, and she's going to start popping out little mini Shepard's. And I wanna live long enough to fucking see it. And I want a bloody dog.”

 

“ A dog, huh?”

 

“ Yeah. A fucking big one that slobbers on the couch and pisses you off.”

 

“ You want me pissed off?”

 

“ You fuck better when you're angry,” he laughed, nipping Gabe's lower lip between his teeth.

 

“ I fuck good all the time.”

 

“ Christ, do you ever.” A hand slipped down over Shepard's ass, squeezing gently. Gabe chuckled, wrapping his arms and legs around his husband and rolling onto his back. Zaeed settled on top of him as they indulged in a languid kiss.

 

“ So... you want us to be old, pissed off grandpas who fuck all the time? That's your retirement plan?”

 

“ Goddamn right it is.”

 

“ Shit, you don't really think they'll start having kids right away do you?”

 

“ I bloody well hope so.”

 

“ Why?”

 

“ Because we never had kids, and... I dunno. I think it'd be entertaining as hell being crabby grandpa's together.”

 

“ Well, I'll be damned. Massani, you've gone soft!”

 

Zaeed sighed, resting his forehead against Gabe's chest, feeling the man's fingers drag slowly through his hair. “I'm tired, Gabe. Worn down. Fucking sick of staring death in the eye every goddamn day. Aren't you?”

 

“ I was five years ago when I brought it up the first time.”

 

“ When the hell did we get so old?”

 

“ I'm not near as old as you,” Gabe teased, laughing when Zaeed bit him just above his nipple. “Grandkids,” he muttered in disbelief after the laughter had subsided. “Fuck.”

 

Zaeed hummed, fingers toying with the hair on Shepard's chest.

 

“ I never even thought about grandkids,” Gabe admitted. “Hell, I never wanted to be a dad, much less a granddad.”

 

“ But you are a dad,” Zaeed reminded him. “A damn good one, too.”

 

“ I don't know about that.”

 

Silence descended on them, interrupted only by barely stifled yawns and rhythmic breathing.

 

“ Where will we retire to?” Shepard asked at length.

 

“ Don't fucking care. A secluded beach. A cabin in the woods. Hell, we could stay here on the Citadel for all I care, I just...”

 

“ We'd drive each other crazy,” Shepard pointed out.

 

“ Then think of the incredible make up sex.”

 

“ What happens when you're too old to get it up anymore?”

 

Zaeed bit him again, earning another chuckle. “They make fucking pills for that shit Gabe.”

 

“ That's what they're called? 'Fucking pills'? Seems appropriate.”

 

“ You're a goddamn idiot, you know that?”

 

“ I'm your idiot.”

 

“ You are. My retired idiot?”

 

“ Yeah,” Gabe inhaled deeply. “Yeah, let's do it.”

 

“ And be pissed off, fucking grandpas?”

 

“ Emphasis on the fucking,” Shepard said, grinning. “Don't forget the dog.”

 

“ You really want a dog?”

 

“ Why not? It'll be an adventure at least, right?”

 

“ Abso-fucking-lutely.”

  
  


 

~~End~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus we reach the end! I want to say another huge thank you to Estalfaed who beta-ed this mess for me and really helped me turn it into a great story. I love these guys and I don't see me being done with writing them. Hopefully I'll have more to come in the future. 
> 
> Thanks for all the comments and kudos! They really helped keep me going. The only downside to writing rare pairs is the lack of attention they receive, but that just makes the comments I did get that much more special and meaningful. So again I say, thank you, from the bottom of my heart! xoxoxo

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my amazing beta [estalfaed](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Estalfaed/pseuds/Estalfaed)! I appreciate your help and your friendship so very much! You made this story a thousand times better than it was before! xoxo
> 
> Find me on tumblr: [ellebeedarling](http://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> Much love,  
> Elle


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